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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

686 replies

BirthdayBlueSx · 19/06/2019 17:39

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

OP posts:
Rob2019 · 21/06/2019 07:43

@Benes.....please read my followup. I completely agree. It's about priorities and to me missing a birthday is unacceptable.

Rob2019 · 21/06/2019 07:45

@Benes....also I'm glad your DH remembers your birthday and treats you as a priority.....everyone should be treated in that way in a loving relationship. If you partner doesn't, time to get a new one!

Throughthenever · 21/06/2019 07:46

Having had a few brothers I have found that the reason men "forget" dates is because they are allowed to. If they have had a mother or a partner who remembers it for them then they simply dont bother (goes for the other way round) my dad was like this for a long time and he and my brothers relied on me to remember my mums birthday until I moved out and now my dad remembers himself.... couldn't tell.me when my birthday is though!

My dh however was on his own for a long time so is much better and remembers his family birthdays (and mine) he often reminds me that we need to do so and so,s card or get a present.

If a person is allowed to be useless and not do something for themselves then they wont. (In my experience) same goes for housework and the like

mydogisthebest · 21/06/2019 07:47

My DH struggled to remember his parents birthdays but has never ever forgotten mine or our anniversary.

Benes · 21/06/2019 07:52

But it's not helpful to say that men are just not great at remembering things. It's a way of excusing shitty behaviour.
Women aren't born with a natural ability to remember dates. We're conditioned into believing it's our job.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 21/06/2019 07:54

Ah I see. Either "Guys are not the greatest with remembering things.....dates, anniversaries etc" Hmmdue to some inbuilt memory defect connected to their penis, or its their mother's fault. Hmm

Nope. Some people are just a bit too selfish but no adult should have to be chivvied like a child for basic things or a milestone like their wife's thirtieth birthday, for fucks sake.

Why are people trying to excuse or minimise this man's self centred, lazy and hurtful attitude towards his wife - who has shown him the exact opposite from the care she put into his birthday.

I do think this might be a very large thing to "get over" simply because I would see it as a reflection of his general attitude. Your word unloved sums it up really.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you have a good time with your friends today. I wonder what they will make of the situation, obviously they know you both better than MN. I hope you get some support and also some laughs and fun with people who care about you.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 21/06/2019 08:01

WeBuilt , why are people notvrrading Robs full post properly and accusing him of minimising/excusing when he was doing THE EXACT OPPOSITE?

While I don’t agree that men are genetically bad at remembering stuff, Rob does, but after he made the point he explained why this genetic defect (real or imagined) was no excuse whatsoever.

Sorry Rob, you’ve stumbled into a thread where the levels of anti-man sentiment are at fever pitch due to the utter cuntery of OP’s DH. Another reason why men like that should be called out-they will bring you all down with them.

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 08:03

Birthday have told your H you need a serious chat about his behaviour recently?
You MUST talk to each other, tell him how his selfishness is affecting how you feel about him. He also needs to talk about how stressed he is at work. Ignoring these stresses and behaviours will only make you both unhappy. You need to talk!

It always amazes me how some couples just brush things under the carpet and ignore issues. Communication and trying to resolve issues, is so important in a long term relationship.

boobirdblue · 21/06/2019 08:04

Guys are not the greatest with remembering things.....dates, anniversaries etc. And I think it's always been joked about to some degree. That said there are things you just don't forget.....milestone birthdays and anniversaries for example.

What a fucking stupid comment..... why are they not? Does have a dick have a detrimental effect on your brain?

The I'm a "guy" give me a break I forgot really doesn't wash and is pathetic to the extreme.

I get why you didn't want to go to dinner OP, the day had passed. Maybe over the weekend go out with the children and let them celebrate with you. DH will be off out anyway, I'm sure he hasn't changed his plans just because of a monumental fuck op that's really upset you.

Enjoy your time out with friend also.

MulticolourMophead · 21/06/2019 08:06

Men are only rubbish at remembering dates like birthdays because women are conditioned by society to do this on their behalf. It falls in the Wifework category.

If they can hold a job, they can remember a date. Use a diary, a phone, calendar, etc, if they need to. After all, how do they remember dates on their job?

If they don't do this, they can't be arsed, that's all. My ex was like this, frequently "forgot" my birthday, simply wasn't important enough to him.

Rob2019 · 21/06/2019 08:08

@Benes.....I agree with you. Perhaps it's also down to environment. Most men I know, father and brother included are useless at remembering dates. I have always been the opposite. I also have aspergers and am blessed with being able to remember lots of things so dates are never a problem for me.

This is not a men vs woman issue so my apologies if I implied it was. I suppose we can only go by our own experiences and in my experience all the women I know are great with remembering dates and send the birthday cards but most of the guys I know aren't. It's not an excuse and perhaps they are just all selfish asses!

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 08:09

Rob2019

@BuzzShitbagBobbly.....did I day that men are helpless? No, so get off your high horse for a second.

Think you lost the room there Rob. Woman having an opinion is not being on a “high horse”.

Rob2019 · 21/06/2019 08:10

@boobirdblue....wow, arent you a delight. If you bothered to read my followup comments you would see I didnt explain myself properly for which I apologise. There is no need to be rude though!

boobirdblue · 21/06/2019 08:12

This is not a men vs woman issue so my apologies if I implied it was. I suppose we can only go by our own experiences and in my experience all the women I know are great with remembering dates and send the birthday cards but most of the guys I know aren't. It's not an excuse and perhaps they are just all selfish*

You made it a man vs woman issue..... oh men forget, they leave that to their little wives to remember whilst they get on with the big jobs!

Those days are long gone, thank fuck!

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 08:12

Right Rob I can see you’ve apologised for making the generalisation. Good for you, but you don’t need to have a go at anyone disagreeing with you, you can leave out the “high horse”, “aren’t you a delight” comments and join in debates without those bits!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/06/2019 08:13

Not telling anyone else off who has pointed out that the bullshit premise that men are somehow innately poor at remembering dates, Rob?

Just me who you told to "get off my high horse" for pointing it out?

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/06/2019 08:13

(Cross-posting with Lizzie Grin )

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 08:15

No one has told you to specifically “get off your high horse”. People are disagreeing with your comment and you can disagree back, just drop the personal attacks.

LizzieSiddal · 21/06/2019 08:17

Yes x posted. You’ve just proved my point. Can you stop with the personal attacking language and just argue your point?

mbosnz · 21/06/2019 08:20

I get what you're saying Rob. In actual fact though, the person most likely to forget dates in this house is me - I'm absolutely woeful! DH on the other hand has a mind like a steel trap for them.

OP I understand you having such a miserable day. WineCakeFlowers

Does he think everything is hunky-dory now? Cos it really, really is not, and he needs to know it. You guys really need to talk this out, and set some ground rules and expectations. There needs to be some face to face acknowledgement of how badly he stuffed up, and how much he has hurt you with his unjustifiable and unforgivable lack of consideration and care. (Certainly unforgivable in the current state of play).

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/06/2019 08:20

Lizzie, are you mixing me up with Rob?

Rob told me to get off my high horse when I commented on him using the "poor little men" excuse. I haven't said anything like that!

Rob2019 · 21/06/2019 08:21

@LizzieSiddal....point taken and my apologies. I was simply replying to people saying my comment was 'bullshit' and a 'fucking stupid comment' both I felt were attacks on me.

LoubyLou1234 · 21/06/2019 08:24

@Rob2019 sorry that's crap. My partner remembers all important dates not just related to us but his family birthdays. He is organised and buys cards and gifts in advance I've never had to remind him to do anything he is an adult.
If you are a person ( not just male) that isn't great with dates phones have a great reminder function and calendar. There's no excuse to forget a birthday and make absolutely no effort. It comes at the same time every year. It doesn't have to be a massive show. But. Card and thoughtful gift go a long way.
I'm one of those that milestone birthday should be celebrated. Many don't reach them so it's a privilege in my eyes.

@BirthdayBlueSx Happy 30th. I'm sorry it's been rubbish. Hope your time with your friend cheers you up. You and your H need a serious chat about his actions and how it's made you feel, never mind the bloody cycling! The lack of effort and interest would upset me from someone I loved. It's not about huge gifts but thoughtfulness.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 21/06/2019 08:26

I was simply replying to people saying my comment was 'bullshit' and a 'fucking stupid comment' both I felt were attacks on me.

No Rob, they posted after you jumped on me. All I said was "give over". You then told me to "get off my high horse for a second".

It's not me making attacks, is it.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 21/06/2019 08:28

GraceSlicksRabbit your post is a bit ironic - you apologising to Rob because everyone pulled him up on his sexist stereotypical generalisation then saying "Sorry Rob, you’ve stumbled into a thread where the levels of anti-man sentiment are at fever pitch due to the utter cuntery of OP’s DH"

The whole point of people pulling up Rob's post was people saying actually, no, men as a whole aren't shit at things like remembering birthdays - the opposite of anti man sentiment, surely?!

I hate stereotypical generalisations about either sex. We need to get rid of this shit, and yes, it does need pointing out. In this case especially, saying men don't remember or the women need to remind them - STOP excusing OP's DH and other equally selfish uncaring men on sexist stereotypical shit.