Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

[BirthdayBlueSx]

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

So wrong and to be honest I'm not sure I'd enjoy the meal out. Maybe that's being belligerent, but hey he deserves that.

@FriarTuck it's way deeper than a "I forgot", sorry but I think you're wrong. As do the vast majority of the posters..

Clutterbugsmum I think he was apologising for blaming her.

OP if I were you I’d hide this thread. This is ridiculous now.

It's not deeper than 'I forgot' unless you're the type (like all the ghouls that are attracted by this sort of thread) to try and make someone feel like crap about their relationship. He forgot, he feels bad and so gets defensive, he realises he's been a jerk and starts to make amends. Like adults do. No doubt OP will also behave like an adult, accept the apology and use it as an opportunity to stop the slide into cycling-widowhood.

On my own 30th my ex bought me very uncomfortable underwear that didn't fit and was bright orange - a colour I've never worn in my life - from a shop that doesn't accept returns if you don't like a gift. I guess it happens a lot that women want to return underwear gifts they don't like.

He then 'took me out' for drinks with his friends, got drunk on a tab and left me to pay it.

He was also a cyclist.

OP, no advice but belated birthday wishes for you. I hope the next one is much better

I hope it’s a ruse too.

Oops. Clearly not. Sorry OP.

Good grief!! What is it with cyclists?? They need to be studied for the good of woman-and-man-kind (so that we can identify and avoid the fuckers like the plague!). I mean I know I shouldnt generalise but you do see this coming up on MN so often.

As it is a new hobby, can I urge you, OP, to lay down some serious ground rules NOW. There is another thread running at the mo where the OP’s dh has proposed bogging off with his cycling mates for 3 weeks (well he asked her permission but had no other plan, thereby making her the bad guy when she questioned the logistics as they both work and this would mean using up virtually all his annual leave )

So sorry about your birthday - that’s really shit. Would also be taking your crappy friends to task about it.

God, OP, I am really sorry. There is no excuse. Seems like your dh is failing to show you even very basic levels of courtesy - if he's stopping off for beers, why not text you and ask if you'd like anything, or buy you wine too?

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

As for forgetting your birthday, AND HIS REACTION, well, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He's suposed to love and cherish you. Not doing a great job, is he? Especially after the effort you put in to his birthday.

I'm not sure I could forgive this. What are you going to do?

So he's fucked up and is fixing it with a Thursday night meal?
When you have to be home early because of work and with minimal drinking?

Lucky you.

Restaurant on a slow night will just be magical.

Has he thought about the kids?
Are they coming to celebrate mummy's bday too?

Fuck that, I'd refuse to go.

Insist upon a weekend away as a minimum (where he does the childcare)

I wouldn't cancel the hotel you have booked for his hobby.

I would go myself and leave him to look after the DC. I think you'd be well within your rights to say he has hurt you and you need a break and some time out (I do actually think it would be useful for this and not solely done out of spite or tit for tat).

If he is genuinely apologetic he should jump at the chance to be able to make you happier and recognise his fuck up.

So he has sent a text apologising for being a twat but then blamed you? He is a grade A arse and I wouldn’t be going out for dinner with a man who prioritises his hobby over his wife and family, forgets an important birthday, sulks when his wife gets upset then does a half arsed attempt at an apology but then blames his wife

FriarTuck - why should the woman in this scenario be the one that has to take the passive stance? Do you really need to tell someone how to love and appreciate you? they have clearly managed to do it in the past but not now.

This wasnt one of these "shit, I forgot" moments. re-read the OP's post. He knew it was her birthday, she gave him a list of possible presents (which he couldnt be bothered to buy) he then at the weekend remembered it was her birthday coming up because he said she wasnt getting any more presents and then on the day, no message, no card and no present. Cant you see the difference in these two scenarios?

and frankly your referencing car crashes is offensive. Sometimes people/mainly women become so ground down in a relationship that they start to see things as the norm which arent and its only when many others point out that this isnt right that they realise how undervalued they are and how much they themselves have become downtrodden by it.

I am not in the LTB camp. but I do think actions should have consequences. his actions have no consequences. he thinks a meal tonight and job done. because after all he is still off cycling all weekend so no disruption to his plans. Thats the being an adult bit - actions and consequences.

Oh OP

I was following this yesterday and was trying to remain positive for you in the hope he'd pull something out of the bag. But I see he did not.

If it's any help, last year I had a Bad Thing happen on a date that was important to me. It was horrible. So this year I resolved to replace those crappy memories with something lovely, and now when I think of that special date, I am able to remember the lovely day in 2019 more than the shitty 2018 version.

Perhaps you could arrange that for 2020 - a do-over of your 30th birthday and make it wildly over the top so you can't help but remember it over this one?

I agree with @billy1966. Not only did he ruin your birthday, @BirthdayBlueSx, he’d already decided he couldn’t be bothered to get you anything apart from the shoes YOU had to order yourself. WTF? He wants a Mum and a PA, not a wife.

Then to gaslight you, sulk when caught out, project onto you - completely unacceptable. He’s showing you precisely how much he cares about you. This would be a wakeup call for me.

Re the shoes, plonk them on his side of the bed with a note saying “These are damaged. You need to return them.” Otherwise he’ll be asking you to do it.

If I were you I would be ordering myself something fabulous and putting it on his credit card. In any case, don’t let him get away with a meal, a half arsed apology, only for things to carry on the way they are. He needs to change his ways immediately.

i agree take yourself off for the weekend or part ofit.im so sorry for you that this uncaring shit did this to you today.
and hes been a selfish titface so he can put up with the backlash.which means his hobby is trumped at the weekedn by you doing you time.and tell him "we can all be selfish dear,lets see how it works when i dont think of others in this family shall we.enjoy the kids."

I agree with others

My kids love choosing me a present, giving it to me at 6am, making me a cake, singing me happy birthday.

They enjoy it nearly as much as they enjoy their own birthdays

They join in the magic of celebrating others' birthdays because we have both modelled getting excited about each other's birthdays for them. They have learnt how to be caring and get excited for someone else

By not doing this for you your dh is making your children miss out on the pleasure of putting someone else first, and he's teaching them that you are unimportant

If he isn't willing to take his faults on board and apologise genuinely, but instead wants to sulk and make out he's hard done by, this doesn't bode well for the future

If you want to save the relationship then I'd lay out in very clear terms to him that:

• you're really hurt and upset he forgot your bday
• you feel he didn't ever intend to treat you, he couldn't even be bothered to click on a link to buy you a present you chose but got you to buy it
• you even thought he might be pretending to forget in order to throw you a surprise party now you feel really stupid you thought that
• you can't believe that given all the above he's sulking rather than grovelling with apologies
• he needs to think about how to fix it, if he doesn't then how you feel about him will change forever as he is showing himself to be a different person from who you thought he was

I've had a much more minor version of this with my OH and I laid out how I felt about it similar to the above, and when my OH put it all together he suddenly 'got it' and was horrified and mortified he'd let me down and immediately changed from sulk to genuine apology, and he's never been such an arse since

If you want to give him a chance to redeem himself then this is my advice.

If you can't be arsed with him and decide to just chuck him out straight away I wouldn't blame you

my dad got into the bike thing.got one of those "look kate,its as light as air" proper bikes.haha, trouble is i dont know whether his midlife crisis plan worked as my mum tried his bike and is now just as obsessed and if not more so and now has a "look kate,its as light as air" bike of her own and goes out on in everyday!

Belenus Here’s the thing... I have no problem whatsoever with people using bicycles as transport to get from A to B, particularly when it negates the use of a car. In fact it’s commendable.
The problem starts when it is entirely unnecessary journeys undertaken by selfish tossers dressed in Lycra and pretending they’re in the Tour de France. Simply because they enjoy it. And irritating road users who have a genuine need to get somewhere at the same time.
Their self-indulgent hobbies shouldn’t inconvenience other people.
But like I said... cycling to work instead of using a car is great.
Guess all cyclists just get tarred with the same brush. Shame really.

It kind of sounds like he is almost having an affair or is having an affair. My D(ish)H bought me two accountancy books for my birthday last year, and completely forgot Mother's Day (both in March). I knew something wasn't right there and then as he usually makes so much effort! Turns out he was having an emotional affair, not actual sex, but cyber sex. If men suddenly become arseholes, there is usually a reason.... I "accidentally" forgot Father's Day this year and his birthday last year because I'm petty 😂

I would not want to have dinner out tonight with the selfish, sulky douchebag, I cannot think of anything worse. I might accept the meal out, but go with your parents or friends and leave him home to babysit. I would from now on make no effort for him, no treats from the supermarket, no effort on any of his birthdays. I would start putting myself before him in everything. If he has any decency and self awareness he might start to realise how selfish he is, but if not, at least you won't be wasting anymore energy on a self centred twat.

rofl captain buttock.

I am childishly pleased that we all guessed it was cycling.

sorry op.

Well said owlsintowels.
OP, I have asked this question a couple of times, was it not also his responsibility to get the kids involved in your birthday too?
The best birthday present that you can give yourself is not letting him get away with this shit and having a proper discussion about what it means in your marriage. Good luck.

I most definitely will be asking him to scale back on his hobby. And we will be having a big discussion about all this. When he first started cycling he would arrange 1/2 days a week and would let me know in advance. Now he just drops it on me. Even the weekend/s dropped on me with a few days notice. And there is the expense too.

We had a huge bust up a couple of weeks ago. we had something booked for over 6 months. I may have been looking forward to it slightly more than him. I reminded him it was coming up. The next day he asked if we had any plans on x date. Told him yeah I reminded him yesterday. “Oh I can’t make that now mikes arranged a bike ride” no discussion about it just he can’t make it and told me to take a friend instead. I did and actually had a fantastic evening. He doesn’t like letting people down. The irony hey?

He’s always been pretty good round the house but lately it’s non existent. He works really hard and long hours so I do cut him some slack.

I don’t get much leisure time, no. He keeps badgering me to go cycling with him and his friends but doesn’t seem to understand it’s not something I want to do. Plus we would need childcare and it’s putting on the grandparents.

In other news my best friend has messaged her husband has taken her away for a few days and the date passed her by. She’s planned to take me out tomorrow so that will be nice.