Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

[BirthdayBlueSx]

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

TheInvestigator, just to say I realised it wasn't your own marriage, I wouldn't be so rude as to criticise you directly like that

"But how else do you bring someone so thoughtless to their senses" mummy I would divorce someone who was a thoughtless selfish prick, tbh. I'm not going to force anyone to be kind to me, if they can't do it off their own back, they're not good enough.

However I may be biased as I am quite obsessional about my "hobbies" (hate that word!) luckily DH is the same and our DC are older and more independent so we will quite happily spend hours doing our own thing and then spend the rest of the time telling each other all about it I realise this wouldn't work for anyone but it works for us.

I just realised I explained I didn't mean to be rude then basically called your friend a "selfish thoughtless prick" apologies

Clearly my hobby is being rude to people on MN.

Haha! Don’t worry! I’ve lost count of the number of times I have told her to LTB! But I’m hoping after a while of counting things up, they will get back to normal (just with him being a bit more attentive to family life and logistics).

I'd give him a big "No, thanks" for dinner tonight. And let it be very very clear you were disappointed. He's blamed you and now is trying to remedy with a dinner...and if you ever ever dare to bring back this day he'll throw at your face the dinner he took you to the next day and you were happy with. Just don't go, you have more to lose than to win at this point.
Tell him to try again next year IF he has the chance.

At 10 and 7, surely the kids should have done something for themselves? Their not doing would probably have upset me almost as much as the husband forgetting. Maybe more, because kids are usually excited about birthdays.

To all those pps saying to cut him some slack for forgetting, he DIDN'T forget! He warned the OP in advance he hadn't done anything about it - and effectively said he wouldn't be doing anything either and that if she wanted anything she should order it herself.
That's a whole different level away from a hapless rushed individual who is SO rushed off his feet he hasn't had a moment.
This bloke clearly couldn't give a shit.

And, let's not forget the old MN saying, "when someone tells you who they are, listen." He managed to find time to get himself some treats on the way home. But the OP featured so low down in his mind that it didn't even cross his mind to get her something (which most decent types would do even if it wasn't their partner's birthday).
Sorry, but I'm not buying "busy at work" as an excuse.

I agree. When me and dh go to the shop we either ask each other if there is anything we want or need, or pick something up for the other.

Also we encourage our child to be involved with birthdays, signing cards, wrapping presents etc. It teaches them about giving and also respect for others .

He knew the birthday was coming up so had plenty of time to organise the children (even to sign a card)

OP do you encourage the children for birthdays and Christmas ? Is it something they get excited about and therefore think for themselves or remind you about getting something organised?

I remember that by age of 10 I would know when birthdays were and for my mum I would do breakfast in bed etc and get my dad to help me find a present

Ah if this was me I would put his bike on the floor behind my car and roll over it... that would be the perfect birthday present for myself 😂

Joking.... 😏😏 (sort of)

Hope you have a nice day with ur friend!

Get onto your friends OP and plan some weekends away. He can cancel any impromptu cycling and stay home with the kids instead.

Thinking further about this, I think it's less about him having "forgotten" your birthday, and more about him "choosing to ignore" it.

Make of that what you will.

I mean, come on! Who on earth says. "I know it's your birthday this week, but I haven't been arsed got you anything and I don't intend to."
Would ANYONE say that to even a distant friend? Why does he think it's acceptable to his wife?!

And this was a milestone birthday as well. I am often a bit at adults who make a big song and dance about their 26th or 34th or 43rd but even I get that ones with a zero on the end need to be marked!

I didn’t end up going for a meal out with him and the kids. I just really couldn’t be assed. I’ve been in a awful mood today, ended up having a little cry. Just feel a bit unloved at the moment and that he’s a selfish prick.

I returned the shoes, they took them back no quibbles but we’re out of my size so have ended up with a gift card. I could of treated myself today but didn’t bother as it would be a reminder that my not so DH is a bit of a shit.

But I’m looking forward to going out with my friend tomorrow.

Oh OP💐. Has he responded in any better way as yet? Please speak to your friend about this tomorrow...I think acknowledging the situation will help you move forward in dealing with it.🍀

I dreamt about your shoes last night. They were an odd pair. One low heel and one a high heel.

Guys are not the greatest with remembering things.....dates, anniversaries etc. And I think it's always been joked about to some degree. That said there are things you just don't forget.....milestone birthdays and anniversaries for example.

From a blokes perspective I would tell your DH the way you feel and that you are not happy and his latest hobby needs to be curtailed to once a month. If he brushes your concerns and unhappiness off that will be telling on how he sees you. At that point consider your options and tell him as much. Sometimes the fear and reality of potentially losing something is what's needed to show the status quo cant carry on.

I'm so sorry you're feeling unloved OP, it's not a nice feeling. I think you and he need a real heart to heart. I hope he listens to you and takes on board how you're feeling.

Enjoy your time with your friend

Oh give over Rob.

I'm sure you remember perfectly well where to go for work every day, if you have important meetings; when your holiday is; when your favourite sports team is playing or if you have a weekend hobby, when to go and meet them.

Women don't have some super special brain "dates" add-on. Stop pretending that men are some helpless little breed.

I’m really sorry. What a cockroach
I’ve just had a milestone birthday and I arranged everything myself because I know dh doesn’t.
That’s fine because I knew! He’s supported me in all my excursions and plans because that’s what I wanted to do
That’s all yours needed to do. Be clear yet support anything you wanted to do
Not just withdraw and not bother

Yes they are Rob. If you're forgetting things it's because it's not a priority. Guaranteed you never forget the footy or a night out or important things at work. There's also this thing called a calendar - your phone will even remind you!

Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas - all happens once a year on the same date. It doesn't exactly sneak up on you. There's no excuse for it.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly.....did I day that men are helpless? No, so get off your high horse for a second. I'm currently a SAHD on shared parental leave I am great with dates. I remember all birthdays for family and very rarely miss something. I also have few hobbies as I look after my daughter and I cant stand sports! Unfortunately most blokes are not like that. I'm not condoning it, Far from it, I'm just pointing out a fact! I also said that certain things are unforgivable.....Like missing a milestone b'day. I wouldn't dream of missing a birthday for my wife or any important date. I write them down on a calendar as I'm sure most people do. My point was precisely the opposite. Theres no excuse to miss your partner / wife's birthday, especially a milestone one and if he did miss it but remembers his hobbies or when he is meeting his friends etc. Then it's more if a reflection on complacency and perhaps how he feels, hence why I said to tell him how she feels!

@imnotcheryl....completely agree. My apologies if my post alluded to me making excuses for missing things....far from it. I personally think its inexcusable to miss any birthday tbh......unless like my wife you miss mine because our daughter was very sick....only then is the reason justified. A long / hard day at work is not a justifiable excuse IMO.

Far from it, I'm just pointing out a fact!

Fact?

It really really isn't.

Absolute bullshit Rob

It's funny how these men manage to function at work, get to meetings and remember the dates for hobby related activities......it's 100% about priorities.

My ex forgot dates.....birthdays, anniversaries etc. It was because I wasn't a priority and it showed in other ways too. My now DH can be quite forgetful in every day life but he had never missed a birthday, anniversary or important date. It's a choice to not prioritise someone like this and it's incredibly hurtful.