Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

[BirthdayBlueSx]

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

F*ing cycling. I have a close friend who has lost her husband basically to cycling. He goes away for months at a time and it's all he cares about. The other shit "mid-life crisis" hobby is that ridiculous Iron Man event stuff.

I think you're right about laying down some rules. I get that a new hobby can be a passion, but honestly with some of these men - it's as if they've chucked an addiction into your marriage, such is the obsessive, self-centredness around it.

Stop cutting him some slack Birthday - you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking! I bet you work really hard too because looking after kids isnt easy and they are 24/7 so you cant get longer hours than that.

he cant be working that hard if he has so much excess energy that he can go for long bike rides can he?

Get the ground rules sorted first. how much notice you need for bike rides and however many hours a week he spends on his hobby you expect him to spend at least the same number of hours doing things with the kids AND you want the same number of hours for your hobby. Your life will go by in a blink with him having all the good bits and you doing all the dull stuff.

this wont get better by itself so you have to take control of it now or it will happen again. how old are your children? are they not affected by his absence too.

Ask him how he'd feel and the tables were reversed? How would he feel if you demonstrated the same lack of effort and thoughtlessness? Tell him it's really hurtful and you expect and deserve more than that.

Then order the most expensive thing on the menu.

He doesn’t like letting people down. The irony hey?

He doesn’t like letting people who matter to him down. He’s put you firmly at the bottom of his priorities.

I’ve been thinking about the scenario that might have taken place on the morning of your birthday OP and am struggling to imagine how it would have played out.

1. Did he give you a card (or was that forgotten too?)
2. Did he give you a card from the children?
3. Did he not see any cards that arrived for you...people usually receive some cards a day or two before the actual day?

How disappointing for you. Let him sort out the shoes. He should have sorted out getting them for you. Why should you have done that and now have the hassle or trying to get an exchange or refund? That's crap. He needs a kick up the arse. Blood MAMIL.

Maybe she can take you out tonight? You can tell dh you don’t like letting her down.

Enjoy your meal op 💐

Friartuck, yes he is human but that doesn't give him the excuse to forget his wife's birthday. ONE date to remember but he can't be bothered.

He knew it was OP's birthday because he had asked what she wanted but then done nothing about it. I guess he didn't buy a card or any presents from their children. He went to buy himself beer but could not be bothered to get a card there or some chocolates or flowers or a bottle of wine.

He is a selfish twat.

I am so glad my DH will never take up cycling (he thinks they are all wankers) because if he did I think I would throw him out of the house especially if he wore lycra

I'm glad to read that he has realised that he was a knob. However, I'm a bit Meh that he text you to appologise, I LOVE texting, I prefer that over all communication, but I think I'd rather in these circumstances that he did it in person, like just before he left for work, a hug and a sincere appology , even a phone call if he was gone from early, would suffice.

Would this be a case of him going into work, someone pointing out that he looked in bad humor, him saying that he never did anything for his wife's 30th birthday and the other person telling him he's a dick !! so he text you.

Anyway, go for the meal, hope you are able to enjoy it. There's no making up that be done, the day was ruined, you'll always rememeber your 30th as the day you sat at home while he chose to work late and never even gave you a card or wished you a Happy Birthday and not even a card from your kid(s) and the birthday where he told you days beforehand that he wasn't doing anything for YOUR birthday and the day he stopped off to get his fill of beers and not even a packet of crisps for you. All you can do is try to move on from it, if that's what you want and try to enjoy a night out. I do hope he arranged a babysitter.

On a side note about cycling, I have a brother and a BIL that cycle, BIL was the first to get into it, he roped my brother in and I can tell you that if this is a new hobby, you need to set down some ground rules. My brother actually went part time after a year in his job to do more cycling. There just wasn't enough hours in the day working full time and trying to have a family life too, thankfully he was able to do jobs on the side when needed as the cost of the cycling is massive ! between the gear, the bikes and as BIL says, you need more than one bike !! and the weekends and weeks away, they are currently away at the moment for 6 weeks cycling. My sil (brother's wife) is due her 3rd baby in 7 weeks), My brother was NEVER this selfish, I don't recognise the person he has turned into. BIL on the morning he got married, went for a cycle up the Dublin mountains, there's some great track there, he turned up at the hotel full of muck and 15 mins to service. All his family were patting him on the back as they are all cyclists too, congratulating him on the distance he covered ! When they get sucked into this it's like a drug, they can't stop.

I'm sorry you had a rotten birthday. My 30th went fairly similarly. My (now Ex) Fiancé apparently didnt have the money as he didn't get paid until a couple of days after my birthday. So rather than have planned anything with his previous wage I woke up to a birthday card simply signed "Love Jimmy-Bob" and some garage forecourt flowers that were dead since he had left them out overnight on top of my card. I let it be know I was annoyed (understatement) but he never "got" it.

I'm in no way saying your relationship reflects mine (we had many issues) but it was just another straw on the camels back and we didn't last long after that. Birthdays do not have to be elaborate or materialistic, but they do matter.

No he didn’t get cards from him or the DC. I got a few through the post from family and I put them up. In his defense he may not of actually noticed as I took down the DCs birthday cards and replaced them with mine. He’s at work when the post comes.

You are absolutely right mummymeister, it won’t get better by itself, I will take control and speak up. Probably not tonight but I’m going to use the weekend to have a long hard think about things. As I’ve said he’s becoming very selfish lately and I’ve pulled him up on it many times.

Kids are 10 & 7 the youngest is quite independent but the 10 year old is constantly up my ass, so leisure time goes out the window. Don’t get much time to myself.

I absolutely think he’s mentioned it in work and someone has said something. He never thinks he’s in the wrong.

I just can’t understand how he’s forgotten. He knows my birthday and at work uses a diary and has to constantly write the date on paperwork.

HappyRoots The other shit "mid-life crisis" hobby is that ridiculous Iron Man event stuff.

Oh god don't. I am an Iron Man widow. Apparently the force is too strong to resist.

I was really sad to read your update. No cards from the kids either. What kind of parent is he that he couldn't even do this. I know you want to think this over at the weekend but look at it from his point of view. He hasn't had to bother, he is still going away at the weekend and the only bit of inconvenience is a bit of a sulk last night and a meal tonight. In his mind the "wife's birthday" box has now been ticked. Job done. All he will be thinking about is his weekend away. So if you do go out tonight ask him not to mention the c word. I bet can't do this because obsessions mean excluding everything else. You know my view is not to go but if you do and he mentions it more than once then you need to get up and leave. People with obsessions have incredibly thick skins. It's not like trying to get through to a normal person. Honestly I really hope that just a conversation will sort this out. But I am not sure it will. It needs imo a grand gesture type response. Have a look at past threads on cycling obsessions op. It will be a real eye opener.

My friend almost became a cycling widow but she is a tough cookie and wasn't having it.
She put up with 3 weeks of him, every night, going out cycling for 2 hours. Then getting up on a Saturday and just going "I've got an event" and disappearing. After those 3 weeks, she booked herself a bunch of classes for stuff every night and as soon as he got in the door, she went out. On nights when he was home with the kids after school, she'd fire off a text from work telling him she had a class. She basically left him with all the parenting for 1 week; no discussion. Just like he had done to her. At the weekend, when she woke up and went out, he blew up at her over text and she responded with "you did this to me for 3 weeks. I followed your lead. Are you now saying that I can't behave like that, but you can? Are you saying that the children are my responsibility but not yours? Are you saying that time together only matter when you want it and not when I want it?"

When she got home that evening, he was very contrite. And they had a good talk about how he just assumed she would deal with everything so he could do what he liked and how he only realised the problem when he was faced with it himself. They agreed that every hour he got on cycling, she had to get on her leisure activities so they stuck at 4 hours a week. They agreed that cycling would come behind everything else at weekends so if they had family plans or events book then he could not cycle. They agreed a maximum of 6 weekend a year away cycling, and she would also get 6 weekends away. They agreed no annual leave for hobbies because they needed it for childcare during holidays and family holidays. She really had to put her foot down though, and anytime he would come back with "I know it's not my cycling night but im just going for a wee hour", she would say "are you going to skip your lunch tomorrow and leave an hour earlier so I can have an extra house tomorrow". She always reminds him that if he wants to check out of family life to cycle then he needs to plan when she get the time too. If they can't both have it them he doesn't get dibs.

No he didn’t get cards from him or the DC. I got a few through the post from family and I put them up. In his defense he may not of actually noticed as I took down the DCs birthday cards and replaced them with mine. He’s at work when the post comes.

There is no defence. He didn't get you a card, neither did he organise anything from your children. That should have been done before you put cards from your family up. Good luck this evening. As a pp said, I wouldn't go - but I hope you manage to make the best of it. Are your children going with you or has he arranged babysitting?

If you're not going to LTB, make him pay when he realises he's forgotten... weekend in New York or something haha

As a MINIMUM he should have organised the kids to make you a card and been prostrate with apologies for forgetting.

If your kids are 7 and 10 I think he should be taking them out on rides, combine hobbeyband parenting.

So do your children know it was your birthday? Actually, at 10 they might even be expected to remember the date themselves.

TheInvestigator I would hate to have a marriage like that, with all the exact totting up, down to the hours "owed" to each other.

I'm all for equal disposable income and equal leisure time but if it needs to be micro managed to that extent, it can't be good surely? Surely good partners should want equality and just generally be kind to each other without being forced into it? I can understand there will be times when it might be unbalanced, but not to the point you need a spreadsheet to rectify it

Sorry, slight derail but also kind of on topic.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

I don't think @TheInvestigator is tallying up hours. It's the only way to make her dh realise how much time he wants to take for his time & hobby

If he has to think about giving her equal time, suddenly he doesn't need an extra hours cycle in the evening

I agree with the investigator. Waiting for the other person to suddenly develop a sense of fairness and kindness isn’t working for the OP. Or many other women .

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles
I wouldn’t want that marriage either, but it really seemed like she was going to end up the sole carer to the children whilst he went cycling whenever he felt like it. And he didn’t understand the problem. She could have left him, but then she’d be the single parent anyway. So she stayed, but has fought hard to make him see the inequality in his design. If she doesn’t keep reminding him, then the cycling starts to creep in as being the only thing he thinks about; no thought about childcare or anything. He’s not the best.... but she picked him.

Agree NY. Of course no one wants a marriage by spreadsheet. But how else do you bring someone so thoughtless to their senses. I wouldn't go for the whole I get 4 hours you get 4 hours nonsense either. But then my dh co parents and wouldn't dream of taking up an obsession which limited his time with his family. In my experience people behave badly because they can. Because they are enabled. They convince themselves that everyone /all men do this. They know that their partner will take up the slack. So to get their attention you have to be prepared to do something radical.

@ny20005
He’s not my husband! I’m a single mum. She’s my best friend from primary school and married him right out of high school, but we live round the corner from each other so I see them all the time and have witnessed many discussion like that between them!