AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

Setting a limit doesn't mean the kid isn't spoilt!

Well then in the nicest possible way OP you need to stop worrying about it.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

He is learning the valuable lesson that even if you really would like something to be a certain way, sometimes it just isn’t.

I have felt a pang if disappointment before when opening gifts. But always immediately followed by a healthy dose of guilt and then gratefulness at what I have been given. Eg I love to sew and always hope for sewing related presents as it is what I would love the most. I have felt disappointed that DH, or ILs have given me something generic instead but I am genuinely grateful for the other things I have been given as birthday / Christmas gifts .

Anyway what I’m saying is , he was polite about it, he is managing his own emotions well and later (maybe even later today!) he will realise that he didn’t need a great big pile of presents!

Leave him be to work it out. Don’t worry any more about it OP.

What's wrong with 2nd hand? Do you understand that society is moving more into a "reuse" mindset? Instead of new, shiny and wasteful? An 8 year would have no idea and wouldn't care.

Also... a bike for an 8 year old, even new, is less than £100. Go to Halfords or go to smyths toy shop. They aren't crap bikes. They are good and have colourful characters and they do the job of being a bike for a child!!!

You've made this problem when there didn't need to be one.

I think you have been more than generous. Sometimes it is a bit much for them. I remember when my daughter was about 9, we bought a scooter that she wanted and some other bits. When she opened her presents, the scooter wasn't exactly the one she thought and she just burst into tears. I felt terrible, but I also thought she was acting very spoilt. It turned out that she was just a bit overwhelmed and they expect things to be exactly as they imagine and that doesn't always happen

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here OP. As parents we all want our little ones to have the best birthdays we can manage - be that with time spent with them, or money and amounts of presents. As someone upthread pointed out, 8 is still very little and you've brought him up properly if he said thank you for what he got. And children that age have no idea about the real value of money - how long it takes to earn a certain amount etc.

Maybe next time a quick trip to Poundland or B&M to get a few large but very cheap presents to open? I hope he has an amazing party (with lots of presents).

They do need to adjust their expectations as they get older so this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For example my ds gets around £300 spent at Christmas,when he was younger this used to mean a massive pile of presents to open as it was mostly plastic tat,last year when he was 9 he got a PlayStation 4 and a set of headphones,that was it. He also looked slightly disappointed as he had grown used to a sea of presents for birthdays and Christmas. I’ve since been teaching him the value of items and explained that it’s unlikely there will be any more massive piles of presents as the items he now wants are more expensive and come in smaller packages. He seems to have taken it on board as he was delighted and not at all disappointed when he received just 3 presents (video games) for his birthday. It is hard though as I would love to give him more but where does it end if you do that.

@LazyDaisy29 I can understand where you are coming from...you just wanted to give your boy the best possible birthday for him to enjoy and was simply asking a question.

Children that young don't sit and add it all up, so of course he isn't going to sit and think how some people are saying he should. He is a child, and wanted what he saw others getting...I as a child at some point had those feelings as did every child.

Once he gets his bike and enjoys his party he will be thrilled.

My mum could never afford parties of expensive gifts, and I was grateful for what I got, like your little one, but deep down I use to be sad that I couldn't have a party like the other kids or the same presents they all had as at that age it hurts to not fit in. That didn't make me a spilt brat at all...it made me a child!

Take no notice of the nasty comments at all. You felt sad that you couldn't give your boy all you wanted too...I know I want to give my boy the world of I could and I want him to have all o couldn't...that doesn't make me a bad parent ❤️

Be careful OP. Try to explain costs etc and manage his expectations. My BIL and sister has gone over the top spoiling their kids and spends £1000 on birthdays. Now it's expected. He spent that and couldn't afford a party which is what they really wanted. They are now in 20k debt and he's exactly same at Xmas. It's awful to watch. I spend £100 I could afford more but then I spent £250 on party where they get more presents. Between me and my friends this is the norm and I think it's a lot of money to spend on birthdays. So I think what you have provided is more than enough.

OP
I think you need to take the pressure of expectations off yourself. You are providing well for your DS. Don’t get sucked into the competitive parenting by stealth. Your DS is still young and you have years more of this.
You are giving him a great birthday.
(Wait until you have teenagers wanting phones and festival tickets - you will be really glad you have done a bit of expectation management when they are younger)

The issue here isn't the boy's reaction, it's the mother's. It is not being hard on her telling her that she needs to manage his expectations. She has spent plenty on him, he is more than old enough to have a little conversation to explain the cost of everything and saying if he wants more presents next year he'll need a smaller party. Remind him how lucky he is compared to others. OP is coming across as apologetic to her son which is ridiculous and could end up in him feeling entitled.

I don’t want to get him a cheap bike and I don’t want to get him second hand! That doesn’t make him spoilt and that doesn’t make me a bad parent

I don't get this - he wants a bike but you’re the one putting on restrictions first about money - which I can understand - then conditions about what bike he can have then being upset he’s disappointed he doesn’t have a bike.

He 8 – he’ll get over the disappointment quickly – but not sure what you want from this thread.

There are lot of things my kids want can't get them - it sucks a lot but it's a very common experience.

Yabu, your actions will lead to him becoming entitled if you are not careful. If his party was at the upper end of your budget maybe you should have explained he wouldn't get many presents as a result. That way he could have chosen which was more important. Or maybe you could have looked at ways if lowering the cost for the party? This is a chance for you to teach your son about being grateful for what he has not envious of others. Yanbu to want to give him the world though, what parent doesn't want to, realistically though it is better to live within your means and do what you can afford.

Wow this thread is so horrible.
Does nobody remember being a child and building up expectations in their head? 8 year old birthdays, when portrayed on TV, or in cartoons, or in books are full of piles of presents. He has also seen his cousin have the mountains of presents experience in real life so it's entirely understandable he thought he might get something similar.
This doesn't make him a spoilt brat at all! In fact the opposite, he has been grateful and tried to hide his gut emotions... Just his acting skills aren't quite up to hiding this from his mum. Sounds like a very thoughtful boy to me.
@LazyDaisy29 yanbu at all. Of course you want to see your son with a look of joy on his birthday. It will come when he gets his bike and party though.
With hindsight you could have just explained to him that he wouldn't get piles of presents. But why not look up bikes online with him now to build his excitement.

It's understandable for an 8 year old to be a bit disappointed and jealous of someone who has 'more' than them. I'm sure he's gotten over it and is perfectly happy with what he has. Don't worry about it too much. If you bought him loads of expensive presents, he'd likely grow up to be an entitled brat anyway.

I think what you've done is fine. My eldest will be eight in December he will also be told if he has a party it will impact what he can have for his present it is horrendously expensive With Christmas only a few days behind.

He has gifts and a bike coming (Our ds has always had frog bikes so not cheap so I'm with you on that) and with his party I'm sure he will be fine

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery totally agree

Yes so he doesn’t have a bike today

But by the end of the day he will have enough to go and buy himself the bike tomorrow

I know he will learn a lot from having to save the money up and the feeling of achievement from buying it himself with his money
And he will feel happy

But this morning he didn’t and he handled himself very well
And I suppose sometimes that can make me feel worse cause he’s such a good boy

He had asked me for a party and a bike and his dad was willing to give it to him but I didn’t want to give him it all
His brothers birthday is in November and sister December so they can never receive both cause it’s to close to Christmas

So he has to have the same

He’s never expected more than he’s received, this year is different cause he’s watched his cousins open over 40 presents each
He’s never seen what they get before

Whilst I wouldn’t say he was spoiled as he isn’t being behaving like a brat I think he had unrealistic expectations in expecting a bike and expensive party. Did you explain to him when he asked for a party that his budget was X and the cost of the party was Y so that would mean he would get less in presents? My son turned 7 this year and was told that and got it. He opted for nice presents and we took his friend to bowling and paid for everything including lunch and the amusements instead of a party. It cost £70 rather than £170 the party would have done. He had loads of fun and still got presents. Sometimes it’s about setting expectations so kids understand you can’t afford both and they can decide what’s more important to them. It’s a life lesson really.

By my standards you have spoiled your child! I usually manage a party at around £100 and a gift around £30-50 or may be more if a one off like a computer. Some years leaner than that!

I do manage expectations though, give generous pocket money and the relatives are generous too so I don't think the children feel left out. We also talk openly about choices- big party vs more on gift now that they are older.

Can you maybe look online or go to shops looking at bikes before party? He will have presents to open after it. It's not about the money spent at all he just had an image in his head of birthday morning and did his best to be OK with the reality. Be proud he wasn't bratty about it.

YABU - £300 is spoiling your child! (in a nice way not a bratty way)

£200 for an 8yr old? That's a bit mad in it's self tbh.

And a bike costing more than £100 for an 8yr old too?! He'll have outgrown it within a year, why spend so much?

I totally understand not getting a second hand birthday gift, and I think you are right to avoid the cheapest bikes, OP.

'I don’t want to get him a cheap bike and I don’t want to get him second hand! That doesn’t make him spoilt and that doesn’t make me a bad parent'

I agree with the poster who said you've created this situation by not being consistent. You should have discussed with him what he wanted. You can't exactly say you must have an expensive bike for your birthday but we won't be paying for it and you won't be getting any other presents either. You have an awful attitude to buying second hand btw and are passing it on to your son. If all of our children turn their noses up at second hand we are encouraging them to literally waste their money and continue the mass consumption that is ruining the planet.