Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
Proteinshakesandtears · 19/06/2019 09:20

8 years olds are perfectly capable of understanding and expensive party means less presents and that the bike will come later.

He could have had loads of a presents, had he not wanted a party and bike.

He is really old enough to understand this.

ssd · 19/06/2019 09:21

Mine always had a party, that was their present. Everyone usually brought a gift so they got gifts then. Your son will get party gifts, maybe you could explain that to him. I don't think you should be gutted, it sounds like hell have a lovely birthday.

Spanglyprincess1 · 19/06/2019 09:21

Err this is mental and he does need to be more greatful. Money dose not grow on trees.
My dsd once asked why she'd only got. Two presents from her nan not more and she got sharply told off by dp and me about being u greatful. A lot of children get one present.
Were getting her a glut of sylvanian families stuff off a mate second hand for 40 quid for her birthday and she will love it. She knows uts second hand but is excited as normally we could afford for her to have it.
When I was younger we got one gift for birthdays, plus one small from. Our siblings plus our extended family. Parties were a bbq in the garden etc.

ssd · 19/06/2019 09:23

If he gets money as gifts maybe a second hand bike would be an idea?
Happy birthday to him anyway Cake

agirlhasnonameX · 19/06/2019 09:25

I wouldn't have spent that amount of money on an 8yr old. I do now that my oldest is nearing 12 as the gifts get more expensive, but the rule has always been party OR presents and she fully understood this from about 6yrs old.

I agree with pp you have spoiled him enough already and he needs to learn if you spend money on one thing you won't have it for another.

buckeejit · 19/06/2019 09:25

Yabu, he is spoilt. You need to talk more if he's disappointed with this. At 8 he should have so,e understanding of money & it's limits

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2019 09:25

But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

That's your problem right there. You can't give him everything. Even if you had all the money in the world, you can't make the world perfect for him. And even if you could, you shouldn't. Do you actually want to raise him to be entitled, arrogant, spoiled and self-centred? I assume not. Teach him instead about what is important: he has a family who love him, friends to play with, a birthday to celebrate.

And he's 8, which is plenty old enough to understand about money. Start teaching him.

LauraAshleySofa · 19/06/2019 09:26

Please don't waste his money on a brand new bike, at this age they grow out of them so fast, we have bought all our bikes second hand for twenty to thirty pounds, they all looked really tidy and all came with the same 'just used for one summer then it was too small' story. Save all that money for when he is a teenager because that is when he needs a decent bike, for transport and independence. Btw we are a cycling mad family and always get the bikes with suspension for muddy uneven trails. Our bikes are trashed by the time we've finished with them so I feel no guilt buying birthday bikes second hand to try to stem the tide of mindless consumerism.

Ravingstarfish · 19/06/2019 09:27

You can get a bike for £50 so what was the point in giving him £100 and saying you can’t afford a bike? Confused

PotolBabu · 19/06/2019 09:27

I am in the ‘he’s quite spoiled already’ camp. DS1 has plenty of stuff- books and board games and what not. He also plays music which is a very serious investment of money (he plays it v v seriously) and is the same age as your DS. For his birthday he got two board games from us and books from the grandparents. Maybe 4 presents. He also had a party. What he really wanted was time with us to play the board games. That’s all he wanted really- time and attention because that’s hard to get with two working parents and a toddler sibling. So we have tried this year to give him that extra time with us. He’s asked for a bike helmet for next year as he thinks the current one is a bit childish (it is!).

bloodywhitecat · 19/06/2019 09:28

I'd buy a secondhand bike too, I think he already has a lot of gifts and he's a lucky boy.

DonkeyHohtay · 19/06/2019 09:28

Birthdays do not have to mean a pile of "stuff". That sort of attitude is depressing,

Kaykay06 · 19/06/2019 09:28

Did you explain beforehand to expect a few bits that day and the plan with his bike?
So he knew what would happen to minimise his expectations. It was my sons 8th birthday on Friday there and he had spent £120 ish on stuff and we are taking him and 2 friends out on Saturday. So spending £200 at the most.

So your son is very lucky he will get plenty gifts/money at his party then £ for his bike
I’d say he’s already been spoilt - in a nice way and he’s not kicked off just manage expectations Better. Sure he’ll have an amazing party and get lots of fun gifts from friends. Hope he enjoys his bike too & happy birthday to your son

RingtheBells · 19/06/2019 09:28

When DS was that age we always factored the party into the overall present price and DS could choose what he wanted, so big party = small present. No party = more or bigger presents.

£300 sounds plenty for both.

Alsohuman · 19/06/2019 09:30

You’re doing a pretty good job of spoiling him as it is.

RingtheBells · 19/06/2019 09:30

I would get a secondhand bike as he will grow out of it quickly and they don't generally look after them that well at that age.

Driveamazdashopatasda · 19/06/2019 09:30

You've spoiled him, sorry. You need to reign it in sharply ASAP. I had to do this with one of mine regarding birthdays. It's fine now

Mrsjayy · 19/06/2019 09:34

Your son was acting spoiled and that really is on you I'm afraid he has been taught lots of presents mean mummy /-daddy loves you that is why you are upset you didn't get that rush. You need to lower his "stuff" exoectations he got plenty for his birthday.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/06/2019 09:38

I'm not certain whether he got the bike or not? At 8, if you are getting a bike for your birthday, you want it to be right there all shiny and ready to go for a ride on.

If the bike was there then I think he should understand that he's done well with the party and gifts.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2019 09:38

I don’t get why you needed to spend £200 on a bike for an 8 year old.

Aren’t they under £100 anyway.

I would have got him the bike from the £100 he was going to get from you then other relatives would have been able to buy him actual presents then he would have seen actual presents.

I don’t think he is spoilt expecting a few presents. I think it stems from you wanting to spend an unnecessary amount of money on one present and then not having even that for him to open on the day.

Soubriquet · 19/06/2019 09:38

Jeez....

We don’t spend anywhere near £300 for a birthday..

We would also point out, that if they wanted an expensive birthday gift, they would have to downsize the party or not have one at all.

You are being ridiculous and it sounds like your ds is spoilt

WaltzForDebbie · 19/06/2019 09:38

I don't think he sounds spoilt. Even my older kids prefer presents to open over money. They would probably be disappointed with a couple of small presents. It sounds more like a misunderstanding won't have analysed the cost of the party. We have an £80 budget for birthday presents and usually get them more presents of a smaller value. We have always managed to get good bikes from eBay for around £50 - £80.

Original poster
LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:39

Like I said he didn’t act like a spoilt brat and he was grateful for what he got
He has never had huge piles of presents and has never felt disappointed before but I think after seeing cousins piles of presents and of a similar age he is feeling disappointed

It’s just hard for me to see that this morning
He didn’t act out and held it all together and said thank you

I haven’t already spoilt him, I set limits and stick to them

OP posts:
ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 19/06/2019 09:39

You need to be straight with him. He knows what money is and he'll know that hundreds is loads. My three have the worst timed birthdays you could imagine. Always a day before and one on payday and right before and after Christmas. Sometimes our organisation sucks so they'll be told straight, "That expensive game you want will be a couple of days late because we can't afford it til daddy gets paid, okay baby?." They don't give a shit. They know we can only afford certain things and don't care if they have to wait a day or two.
Be straight with your child. He's not daft. And if he still gets upset then I'm afraid he's not daft but spoiled, and a disappointment or two is what's needed.

CannonCaboodle · 19/06/2019 09:39

Sounds like you've got a spoiled kid there. Good luck, OP.