AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

It is difficult, esp at that age when you're going to friends' parties and are building a picture in their heads of what everyone else gets on their birthdays. A difficult lesson to learn that sometimes it's not possible to have what everyone else has.

But OP, I think you could be more strategic. I understand your point about DS saving the money and buying a bike himself, but if you'd done that for him, he would have had a bike to unwrap this morning and that might have avoided the disappointment.

Similarly, a bike for £100 would have allowed his relatives to also give gifts - sometimes quantity has more impact than quality. He's seen his cousins get lots of gifts, and I can understand wanting that feeling of being spoilt (in a good way, no bad connotations).

Similarly, perhaps buying two gifts from ebay for £10 each rather than 1 new gift from a shop for £20 would have meant 2 presents to unwrap rather than 1.

I do think at 8 he's a bit too young to go through the save money and buy himself a present process.
I'd have had a chat with relatives and bought the bike for him to get on the day.
No need to spend money on other presents he didn't care so much about.

But hindsight is a great thing, so don't beat yourself up about it. He'll get the bike and have a great time with it.

But by the end of the day he will have enough to go and buy himself the bike tomorrow

Remind him he can buy a bike a later.

Stop second guessing yourself - you've made these decisions it's done - he'll be fine he just has to wait a bit not a bad lesson in life.

Try and get everyone focused on the party he has coming up.

At 8 I figure maybe he doesn't quite understand the value of money. I know soon to be 8 dd is that way. £200 is a fair amount for a birthday as today's toys can be expensive. I don't see how you have done anything wrong OP.

I think that this is more about you, than your son.

I'm curious about what your experiences of disappointment were in your early childhood. What was it like to be disappointed? How did your caregivers react? What messages were you given about birthdays, "being spoilt" and "being grateful"?

Being disappointed because he doesn’t have 40 presents to open like his cousin, isn’t a bad thing!

Gives you the opportunity to explain, we can’t also have, what others have. What’s important in life and what’s not.

I think the problem is that you didn't anticipate the reaction OP so didn't head it off at the pass.

We've had similar with DS in the past. We bought him a play station - gave into the fact that every friend had one and he didn't (our observations - he never said a word). So a couple of years ago we bought him one for his birthday. He had a small party at home so we could save cash on that.

But, we told him that he was getting a bigger present so he wouldn't have a lot to open on the day. He only had that present to open plus a couple from his aunties but he knew he'd get more later when his other family arrived and some friends might get him something for his actual party day.

I'd have probably told him ahead of time that we aren't going to be able to get a bike but we'd give him cash to start to save up towards it and he can have the fun of choosing it when he has enough. That way, when the birthday cash arrives in, he'd be able to count it all up. it's not a bad lesson to learn that you sometimes have to wait a little bit for some things. But I think the expectation was there of a lot of presents and you, may be, could have nipped that in the bud before the day so he knew what to expect TBH.

And, honestly, I wouldn't worry about the 'you shouldn't spend that much' comments. We don't spend anywhere near £200 on gifts at birthdays but we splash out at Christmas. Our money, we don't get in debt and that's our choice. As long as you're not robbing Peter to pay Paul to find the £200 then moaning about it, it's no-ones business.

I don’t think £180 is a lot to spend on a party assuming there were 10 children plus food, cake and party bags. £100 is not overly spoilt and I would have been a little bit dissapointed at a lack of presents in the morning too. I think he should be told he is getting the bike so he has something to look forward to. £100 is a decent amount to spend on a bike he will grow out in a couple of years.

See how he feels after the party

He'll soon cheer up at the party.
Have a lovely day.

Christ! Why the necessity to pile shame on the OP???? Becuase you cant afford it, then she is shameful for providing it for her son and even more shameful for feeling sad her son is upset? Sure. Makes perfect sense.

OP. I feel you. We cant always afford to give our kid what others have. Hes only small, and he is sometimes disappointed. He has a lot of allergies too, so often he has to look at kids eating things hed love, but he cant have. Even tho I KNOW that actually the amount i give him is enough, and he really cant have that icecream, i still feel sad and disappointed for him.

Emotional regulation is taught!!!! Most importantly, especially w boys, you shouldnt undermine what he is feeling. All too often boys arent allowed to be sad. So. What I do (or at least try) is to give choices (as you have), empathise with the emotion (hes not wrong for feeling sad at relational inequality and shouldn't be shamed for it). And be honest. Say we cant afford it kiddo. I am trying my best to give you a good party and presents.

Yes he needs to learn a lesson. But its not about how spoiled he is, how others have less and how he should be ashamed of himself for being so ungrateful. He needs to learn that, even if certain feelings are natural, he will need to deal with them in a healthy way. His response seems very much in line with the idea that he is learning this.

Btw, I suspect he was more disappointed for not having the bike than for not having loads of presents.

He seems already spoiled to me. It's easily done. We're strict as are able to afford anything the kids want really as we have high paying jobs BUT we're both from WC/poverty backgrounds so we don't give them lots of stuff.
In my experience the more you give them the less appreciative they are - our DS chose a party and knew that meant no big pressies from us even though we could have afforded it. He got 15 pressies from friends at the party - that seems loads to me.

OP, you must feel gutted that he’s disappointed after going to so much effort. I know how you feel.

My 6 year old DS told me he’d had a “rubbish birthday” after I had spent months planning a party (£700+), cake (£100+) and got him piles of presents (£400).

It was the wake up call I needed; I have stopped spoiling him. He would have been less overwhelmed and much happier with a couple of presents and a smaller party. Just because you can spoil them, doesn’t mean you should.

Talk to him, explain that he can't have everything. And if it's an issue still next time put the half the birthday money he's given in a savings acct.

IMHO kids don't want or need lots of stuff or gadgets, they need your time and attention. I know our two would rather I go out on my bike with them than actually costs money.

I think he sounds like a normal 8 year old and I also think I'd have felt the same way at his age. Running downstairs on my birthday and there just being an envelope with money in rather than actual presents to open.

I'd personally have gone with cheaper bike (doesn't have to be second hand, I think my son's brand new one only cost about £70 from the sadly departed Toys R Us), then bulked it out with some books, DVDs etc. which you can purchase really cheaply 'Used but like new' from Amazon, just so he had more to physically unwrap.

If his party's not today I'd buy or make a small cake with a candle in to make a fuss of him at teatime. Birthdays are a big deal when you're small, I couldn't actually tell you how much or how little my parents spent on mine but I remember then being special.

Get him a decent second hand bike FGS. What a stupid, wasteful,
snobby attitude. Then there'll be lots of money left over.

I think it's all relative...some would say I spoil my boys, others would say I'm stingy and don't do enough.

I manage expectations here by giving them a choice. They either have a party with a small present, a couple of bigger presents or a small present and cash to spend how they want. Only my 4 year old doesn't get the cash option (hed rather shred notes than spend them!) and my 6, 9 and 11 year old all usually go for the money. They tend to spend around half and keep half for spending money when we go awesome places in the summer. It works really well for teaching them a bit of money management.

I’m not a snob! My children have second hand toys! But my opinion is it’s his birthday, he’s a good boy and deserves something special!
Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it

He’s getting a bike for his birthday. And a party.

What’s the problem here?

Just an idea for the future. We have a separate savings pot for parties and presents and put money aside each month. We then alternate having a bigger and smaller party. This year my son had a sleepover with a few close friends while my daughters had bigger parties. They will get smaller ones next year. Then they still get nice presents either way.

I think some of the comments are really harsh. It's understandable that an eight-year-old expects some presents on his birthday. My son was a bit disappointed this year because he got Robot Wars tickets for his main present which he will have to wait ages for, so he only had a few small things to open. Note to self that he is still young enough to prefer tat to open.

Minister agree. Disappointment and jealousy are normal emotions especially at 8, see this as a chance to talk to him and help him manage his feelings, as a pp correctly said when the teen years hit there are many more trigger points for these emotions.

It's your business what you spend on birthdays. Yes you can do it cheaper but everyone manages their finances differently and piss money up the wall in different ways.

And wise words from Magpie too, time to move on OP. He will get over it Focus on having a lovely afternoon with him after school.

I don't think he sounds spoilt! He's 8 years old and as you said, tried very hard not to show his true feelings. He's still young and as you said, he saw his cousin get much more, that's hard to see.

I can understand the feeling of wanting to give a child as much as you can, but there are much more important things then financial gifts. You have already spent over your £200 limit, and whilst you are comparing yourself to those who can afford more (or spend as if they do), how about remembering those who are a lot less fortunate. You have a very lucky child and teaching him about responsibilities and being happy with what he has, would seem to me to be a much better gift.

Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it
But you're not a snob?
I feel sorry for you that you think the only way for something to be special is for you to throw money at it and be brand new.