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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:

BadLad · 21/06/2019 07:59

Apologies

(Cancels Avada Kadavra)

katewhinesalot · 21/06/2019 08:17

At about that age we showed our kids second hand bikes on eBay and brand new ones. They compared the prices and decided themselves whether to have a second hand bike and cash to spend on other things or whether to buy a shining new one. They both chose second hand.

Doidoit19 · 21/06/2019 08:18

@Raspberrytruffle I’d offer you a medal for being the perfect parent but you used the term snowflake so you can bollocks.

Doidoit19 · 21/06/2019 08:19

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Raspberrytruffle fuck off.

Couldn’t have put it better myself

haveuheard · 21/06/2019 08:26

My 8 year old had a small party this year - only 5 friends, and got a cheap (but new as he needed an unusual size) bike. He has always been told that there is only a certain amount of money to spend and if you have a party you get less presents. He understands this and actually this year explained the idea to his younger brother!

BonnieBelleStarr · 21/06/2019 08:40

Oooookayyyyy!! So you booked him a £180 party and gave him £100 and asked the rest of the family to chip in for a bike???

yeah poor kid is seriously neglected and in tears too. How will he ever come through this op?

I hope he never has to deal with reality and all it's horrible effects.

BonnieBelleStarr · 21/06/2019 08:41

By the way op, he doesn't sound spoiled anyway

minou123 · 21/06/2019 09:11

JesusInTheCabbageVan
Raspberrytrufflefuck off.

I agree. I thought this thread couldnt get any worse, with all the your child is a spolit brat bollocks. But no, I was wrong, along comes Raspberrytruffle......

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 21/06/2019 09:32

An 8 year old disappointed in their presents DOES not make for spoilt or entitled. It's a normal human emotion and better to experience it young when an adult who loves you can talk to you about it and help you manage it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland spot on about the second hand life cycle.

Raspberry that's pretty bloody unpleasant. He's only 8, what's your excuse for being so rude? I suppose you're too busy bringing up perfect children to bother. I hope someone else had taught them manners.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 21/06/2019 09:33

Use of capital fail there DOES NOT.

Lweji · 21/06/2019 10:05

This thread is bonkers.

Kid asks for bike.
Kid doesn't get bike on the day.
Kid looks disappointed.
Parent and others assume it's because he didn't get 40 presents.

Some people call the child spoilt.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/06/2019 12:35

BadLad

Turnitaroundagain · 21/06/2019 14:13

His expectation isn’t because you’ve spoiled him it’s because he sees what others get. Comparison is the thief of joy! Many adults don’t get this so I don’t know why so many posters think an 8 year old should. Work on getting him to appreciate what he has and what he has to be thankful for. Ask him at bedtime, what has he got to be thankful for today? Was someone kind to him, did he have a nice meal or a treat etc etc.....kids that get lots of things are usually lacking in other ways. Try to get him to understand that material things aren’t what is important.

Yeahnahmum · 21/06/2019 14:27

He acts like a spoilt brat, so i guess you succeeded in spoiling him

TheInvestigator · 21/06/2019 14:37

A little 8 year old boy only had a few presents to open on his birthday after just watching his cousin get 40 odd gifts! He was a little disappointed but he didn't make a scene; he said thank you and was a gracious. How on earth can anyone call him a spoilt brat?!?!

It doesn't matter If he got a party; kids don't always understand and immediatly apply info to a situation. In that moment of seeing only 3 presents, he is far too young for the thought process of "all the money was for the party and I'm going to love the party". He will understand that; but he's allowed a few seconds of upset! And once he got his bike money, he would be over the moon and realise he was getting the bike he probably thought wasn't going to appear.
I can't believe all the grown adults calling a little boy a brat because he looked disappointed, but didn't complain! He was gracious.

BeardyButton · 21/06/2019 16:19

And we wonder at all the dysfunctional adults out there, all the threads about adult kids reflecting on their childhoods. This is an 8 yr old kid. He is not spoilt. From the brief bit the OP gave us he is showing completely typical development in regards to processing and managing his emotions. The 'spoilt' brigade.... You might have perfectly well behaved children, who display perfectly appropriate emotions at all times (most notably respect and gratitude). These kids grow up... They might start to reflect on that childhood and your endeavours to control them.

BrianniStew · 21/06/2019 17:53

His birthday morning was just a little anticlimactic, with the party and the bike still to come later. He felt a bit underwhelmed in the moment but kept a lid on it and expressed gratitude; I think that's pretty good for an 8 year old (and I bet he was delighted after having his party and main present). Think it's beyond ridiculous that some posters are calling him 'spoiled' and a 'brat'. I feel sorry for the OP, who just posted for a bit of reassurance only to have her and her son attacked.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/06/2019 18:25

Yeahnah so what did he say or do that makes you think he's spoiled? And why does saying a thing like that to the OP make you so happy?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/06/2019 19:04

He sounds like a little trooper, biting back his disappointment.

A thing that has worked very well for us when a present has had to be delayed is printing out, or drawing a little letter or card showing what the present will be, and maybe a little related gift.

So for your boy I would have maybe printed out a letter showing loads of bikes and a message saying, “Can’t wait for tomorrow when we choose your bike”, and wrapped it up with some bike stickers or a bike bell or something. Just something to make it real to him.

But of course, you don’t spoil a child by giving them lots of stuff. My kids enjoyed things like choosing a birthday cake for me to make for them and choosing their favourite family dinner to eat on their birthday, balloons tied to the door, that sort of thing. That makes a birthday special far more than just stuff.

LannieDuck · 21/06/2019 22:21

Hope he's bought a nice bike and you get some good weather for riding this weekend :)

Armadillostoes · 21/06/2019 22:56

Lweji has summed it up perfectly, so many of the replies on this thread are just bonkers/smug and horrible. A (just!) eight year old was hoping for a bike, and gets only a few small packages to open. However, he does NOT throw a tantrum, but tries to smile and look grateful. He sounds like a great kid and you are obviously don't a good job OP.

I can't decide whether most of the nasty posters are just thick and failed to understand the OP, or are just being obnoxious because they can.

MiniCooperLover · 22/06/2019 18:33

My DS's bikes have all been second hand because they're Isla bikes which are stupid money brand new but are brilliant at helping kids learn to cycle well as they're so light. The two we've bought have both been in excellent condition and we've sold them on in great condition too 👍 He's 8 and has no clue anyone has had them before him and loves them. 👍

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 22/06/2019 18:40

I’ve only read the first and latest (eighth) page, sorry.

My 7yo went a bit bonkers around his birthday this year - he’s a normally well-mannered and not grabby child, but he got all overwhelmed and woke up and was really upset because he’d imagined I would decorate the flat as a surprise for him to wake up to (bunting and shit like that). I never have done and I had no idea he’d wanted me to, but he’d had this expectation and it wasn’t met. And he was disappointed, which is a tricky feeling to cope with even though there are many many worse things in the world than a birthday without bunting.
By eight kids are getting messages about piles of presents from all over - cousins, TV, books, playground chat.

I think you’re doing well by your child not to spoil him, OP, and I think by trying not to look upset he’s doing really well himself. It stings now but nothing is really wrong here.

1800swoman · 24/06/2019 15:24

In my experience 8 year olds don't have a clue about what things are worth. He's upset he hasn't got the bike. I like you would have felt bad too but its really difficult to judge these things. You can be really proud of him that he tried to mask that he was upset because some kids would have had a tantrum about it - he's obviously very well brought up.

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