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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
mysteryfairy · 20/06/2019 22:14

If I've understood right an 8 year old had on his birthday morning a £20 toy from his siblings, 3 little gifts from someone else and money from his mum and dad to be exchanged for a bike later. OP you've obviously been very generous with the party and the upcoming bike, but I can understand how he didn't get the wow factor first thing. What a lovely boy he sounds to handle it so maturely.

If you end up with the same budgeting constraint another year I'd be tempted to pad it out with very very low cost gifts - sweets, magazines etc - or save and wrap up things you would have to get anyway (new lunchbox, sports equipment etc?). And of course you're not unreasonable to want to treat your lovely sounding DS on his birthday. I hope he enjoys the party and bike.

Thequaffle · 20/06/2019 22:20

Can we cut the kid some slack? He’s 8. He saw his cousins massive pile of presents and in his head that was what = birthday.
He will learn as he gets older and tbh, he didn’t actually complain or cry, OP could just sense some disappointment.
OP, try to get him super excited for his party and get him wondering if he will be gifted enough to go look at bikes this weekend. I hope he has a great time! He’s got plenty for his bday, any more and it would be too much.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 20/06/2019 22:30

When my dc were that age they had a £30 limit for birthdays!
£300 at 8 years old is not being hard done by.
Dd2 was 18 recently I gave her £300 cash and a few other bits (not expensive) I thought that was plenty and we have a household income of over 100K Confused

Cornishgorl44 · 20/06/2019 22:33

Oh dear sounds spoilt already it only gets worse my husband has totally ruined his daughters and now aged 16 one is a complete money grappling spoilt little madam. Very entitled

BadLad · 20/06/2019 22:35

I'm genuinely appalled at some of the nastiness on this thread... comparing him to Dudley from Harry Potter, for gods sake?

That was the cousin, not the OP's son. There was a clue - the words in the post.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 20/06/2019 23:15

My similarly aged DS was given the choice for his birthday - big present or party and small present. He chose a party so I made it clear that he wasn't to expect a lot of presents on the day.

He got a couple of decent presents from his grandparents (sports stuff & lego set) and a small present from each of his brothers (football and waterbottle). I got him a few little things from us (book, cap, novelty sharpener) and made him pancakes for breakfast. He was delighted and full of anticipation for his go karting party that was taking place in a few days.

It's a shame your son was disappointed but I think you didn't manage his expectations well.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/06/2019 23:51

Oh bless your DS. He sounds like a lovely 8yo. He didn't have a tantrum and he tried to manage his disappointment. I think once he's got his bike and had his party, he'll have fond memories, but I can see why an 8yo doesn't quite grasp the cost of expensive items. My 9yo wouldn't be able to accurately guess the cost of a bike or a party (she does buy her own small items so does understand their cost in relation to her earning her pocket money)

Hindsight is great. It might have been better to have re-thought the bike and either bought cheaper/secondhand, or asked for contributions earlier so he could have unwrapped it on his birthday. I expect if he had his bike to unwrap, it might have made things a bit easier on him.

I would be very clear with my 9yo what to expect in terms of presents, if she was swapping presents for a party, especially if that was happening on a different day. She's not spoilt or unable to understand, she's just 9yo and needs a gentle reminder.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/06/2019 23:53

Also, I guess, where he hasn't had a party before, he's used to more gifts. It will always be a bit of a shock the first time he sees the impact of his choice.

I really hope he has lots of fun choosing his bike.

Doidoit19 · 21/06/2019 00:58

@LazyDaisy29 Unfortunately you probably won’t get a lot of sympathy in AIBU Confused I totally understand where you’re coming from. Your son isn’t ungrateful and it’s your right to want to spoil him, I’m the same with both my DC and I would be upset to see them disappointed on their birthday. The fact that he tried to hide it shows he didn’t want to upset you and he’s not the ungrateful brat some people on here seem to think he is! I think people in here expect children to grow up too quickly. He’s 8, for god’s sake, he’s a child. Everyone in here would hate to see what we buy for our DC’s for birthdays and Christmas!! Grin ‘Rod and back come to mind’ etc etc.
I hope he had an amazing party with his friends. Happy birthday to your son!! Cake

SleepAllDay7 · 21/06/2019 02:36

DS sounds entirely pleasant.

Half of the posters on here though? Not so much...

malificent7 · 21/06/2019 03:21

Birthdays are about being spoilt op. Yanbu but at the same time its a good chance to talk about life not always being fair, budgeting etc.

SleepAllDay7 · 21/06/2019 04:00

OP's problem was not having an obvious 'bad guy' in the story. Half of AIBU is people spouting anger and righteous indignation. If you don't give the mob a target to froth at, there's always the risk they'll go for you or your children. Should've worked a MIL, useless DH or transgender person in.

Anyway, next year give him a Mumsnet chicken; that way he can feed all his party guests for a week and make a bike out of the leftover bones.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 04:56

OP - he sounds like a lovely boy. 8 is a hard age to start realising some other people get spoiled. Even as an adult it's hard not to be envious of people who seem to get everything!

I think lesson learned - too young not to have the bike there on the birthday morning.

To all the militant second handers clogging the thread - ok. We'll all stop buying anything new ever. Go find a second hand item to buy.... Oh. Wait. Yeah. Stuff does not last for ever! We've had a few bigger ticket items passed second hand within the family (good quality) but after a second toddler many have simply been knackered. Lots of people buy new knowing that they want some thing to last well through all their kids. It's a false economy to buy 3 second hand bikes at 1/3 the price when you could buy a new one & pass it down through all your kids.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/06/2019 05:06

I’m sure people like being nasty just for the sake of AIBU and also for not reading the thread Confused

He’s a 8 year old child OP, he doesn’t know the value of money, and tbh giving him a cash gift (at this age) wouldn’t mean much.

He just didn’t get the WOW factor on his birthday, and that’s OK, I’d be making a big deal out of him going shopping for his new bike, and getting to choose the style and colour etc... and possibly even party clothes etc...

And saying wait till you see what you have for his party etc...

It’s OK to be disappointment, for me I don’t think this is about the gifts, it’s about the WOW factor on a day it’s supposed/is his day.

Raspberrytruffle · 21/06/2019 05:55

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Raspberrytruffle · 21/06/2019 05:57

Oh and hes not a baby to the posters saying how mean we are being its young but hes old enough to understand if sat down and have things explained, I've done it with my DC from a young age

BertrandRussell · 21/06/2019 06:09

Actually- I’d give him the option. Second hand bike and lots of money to spend on other stuff, or new bike.

Thehop · 21/06/2019 06:13

Your limits are 4 x what my kids get at 8, and your son sounds very spoiled.

VashtaNerada · 21/06/2019 06:22

I’ve had to cut back on birthday spending over the last few years and have handled it by saying no immediately to anything expensive - they have second-hand bikes from cousins for example - and making a point of buying several small gifts from the pound shop or whatever. They are genuinely happy to get lots of ‘stuff’ and don’t seem to even notice that it’s cheap crap tbh.

caughtinanet · 21/06/2019 06:25

I was initially a bit sympathetic to you getting a bit of a hard time then I read your stupid posts about second hand bikes, you will be doing your child no favours if you pass that attitude on to him imo.

In fact the whole giving him money thing is a bit strange,. Ime an 8 year old is still too young to fully understand value.

HairyToity · 21/06/2019 06:32

Always been frugal with childrens presents. They've never been gutted as never expected a huge haul. The bikes have always been second hand.

I think the money we waste on toys to end up in landfill is disgusting.

AngelsOnHigh · 21/06/2019 07:10

HairyToity, so true. It all ends up as landfill.

I'm actually stunned that anyone would spend that amount of money on an 8 year old.

My DC are adults now, but ask them who their favourite Aunt is they will both say the name of the one who very rarely gave them presents as they grew up.
She gave them time and made them great meals when we went to dinner.

The Aunt who showered them with expensive gifts year round doesn't really get a mention.

swingofthings · 21/06/2019 07:25

That he should feel disappointed is OK as already written, he had an image of what his birthday would be like and the real thing didn't amount to his imagination.

That as his mum you would be feeling a bit upset that he feels disappointed is also totally normal and understandable.

That you should deal with it by thinking that you wish you had more money and could spoil him as he would love to be, no no no. This is when it goes wrong. Disappointment is a normal part of life, sadly, they will rarely result in getting what we want the next time. We learn to adjust our expectations and to-be happy with what we do get.

Speak to him afterwards, let him say why he was disappointed, discuss his next birthday and how it could be made better within the same budget and discuss it again when it is time to plan it.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/06/2019 07:33

Raspberrytruffle fuck off.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/06/2019 07:44

@BadLad No no nooooo it wasn't aimed at you!!! There was another poster way back who said something like OP, sounds like you're raising Durley Dursley which is just obvious bollocks. Your post was funny Grin