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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/06/2019 09:39

Btw a good bike would cost well over £100 - I personally buy DS's bikes second hand, but I can see this would not work for a birthday gift.

tomatostottie · 19/06/2019 09:39

So will he be getting the bike when he has enough cash?
If this is the case, then that's his present and he is old enough to understand that.

I wouldn't have booked the party of "his choice" if it was going to be too expensive. Could you not have had a cheaper party for fewer children?

I think you have been more than generous. There are many children out there who get next to nothing. He's had a 180 quid party and 20 pound present from siblings and 100 pounds towards a bike. That's a lot of money.
You need to explain this to him again so that he understands - not feel bad because he didn't have a big pile of presents to open on the day and say you "want to spoil your child and feel gutted you can't".

LagunaBubbles · 19/06/2019 09:41

don’t think it’s a particularly nice trait in anybody to have that level of expectation

This. At the moment he is only 8. I can see it get much much worse, and I fear he's picking up his attitude from you.

Happyspud · 19/06/2019 09:41

Jeez, he’s a very lucky boy as it is. If you can’t see that and communicate that to him then you’re not doing a great job here. Sorry. You want to spoil him. Do you know what spoiling leads to? Spoilt children. Never a good thing for them more than anything.

IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2019 09:43

You sound like you’re well on the way to raising Dudley Dursley, @LazyDaisy29 😳 £300 on an 8th birthday? WTH are you going to spend on big birthdays?

As pps have said, you can get a nice bike for £100 or less so I don’t know why you didn’t get that. He’s old enough to understand basic value for money. Did you manage his expectations clearly or was he expecting to open an actual bike rather than just cash?

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/06/2019 09:44

The word is 'spoil' for a reason. It's not a good thing.

katseyes7 · 19/06/2019 09:44

l'm afraid l agree with the previous posters who say you're making a rod for your own back.
l worked with a girl who was 20 who had always (and still was being) treated as "daddy's little princess." She went to look at houses with her boyfriend. Came back to work, she hadn't liked the first two, loved the third one, "but it's more expensive, so my dad will have to give us another £15k for a deposit."
Not "We love it, but we really can't afford it", but "will have to give us." No thought of whether it's possible, or even that she should ask. l dread to imagine what she's like now. Children brought up like that have no idea of the value of money, or that it has to be worked for.
Are you willing or able to do that later on with all of your children?
Maybe it's time to start letting him know that we can't all have the things we want in life. He's having a party and getting presents. That's a lot more than many children get.

Bringmewineandcake · 19/06/2019 09:44

I wouldn’t have spent £180 on the party. He’s 8, he won’t understand how much the party has cost.
I think it was fine to have a budget and he’s not spoiled - his expectations should have been managed better.
Young kids do expect lots of presents and it’s up to us to manage that.
You could have easily got him a bike for less than £100 and then he would have woken up to his big present and had a party and been much happier.

RebeccaCloud9 · 19/06/2019 09:44

Also, get on Facebook selling sites. You can get a really good bike for £20. If he's not a spoiled brat he wouldn't turn his nose up at second hand.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 09:45

If he looked disappointed he wasn't grateful for what you got. You need to be careful here, if you pander and act defensive and apologetic he's going to grow up feeling entitled, you're telling him you don't think you got him enough. You got him plenty, instill in him how lucky he is. I really hope it's your own insecurity projecting here rather than his actual disappointment, if I felt my son was disappointed with that his party would not be going ahead.

WonkoTheSane42 · 19/06/2019 09:46

Fuck’s sake the kid’s not spoiled - he’s not having a tantrum or doing anything much other than feeling a certain way (and he’s 8 for crying out loud) and doing his best to put a brave face on it so as not to upset other people. Sounds the opposite of spoiled to me.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/06/2019 09:47

My ds1 is the same age and last year he asked for something quite expensive for his birthday(like £100 expensive) and we explained to him if he really wanted that then he wouldn’t be getting anything else.

I think at this age you need to talk to them really, they are old enough to understand that £300 is a lot of money.

Gamble66 · 19/06/2019 09:47

I think you have split him just not in the way you think.

FloatingthroughSpace · 19/06/2019 09:48

I feel sorry for your ds too. Kids at (just) 8 like opening presents, it's part of the excitement. I think you have misjudged children's psychology here. A 15 year old would want a "good" bike and would be happy to have money presents towards it so they can select their own. An 8 year old wants a bike and the label or whatever matters less. My son got a bike for his 8th birthday too. I bought it for 20 quid off Gumtree and put new wheels on it. This meant he also got to open a few presents too. And having the "new" bike there all shiny on his birthday morning was a really important part of his excitement.

avalanching · 19/06/2019 09:48

@Bringmewineandcake 8 is not too young to understand the cost of a party. Similar to the OP we set a budget. We set about £350, I explain how much a party is, how much the presents he wants cost and we work it out. This year he's gone for a compromise, he's chosen an activity with one friend with lunch that will cost £100 so we can buy the present he's really like. We could afford more, but I think it's important to set limits.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 19/06/2019 09:48

You can set an arbitrary "boundary" of any amount you like, but it doesn't therefore mean that because you didn't go over, that the money already spent isn't a considerable amount.

Fibbke · 19/06/2019 09:49

I would have bought him a bike and spent far less on a party. Bikes last, the party is a couple of hours.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 09:49

I got a home made dressing gown for my 8th birthday. I never had a party, just a few friends round for lunch.

I remember opening that dressing gown and thinking it was the best thing ever. Came home from school and got changed in to it at 4pm. I loved it so much. I can’t actually remember any other of my birthdays the way I remember that one.

If your 8 year old is crying that his birthday presents aren’t enough, you don’t have to worry about not spoiling him.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/06/2019 09:50

When did children become so grabby and entitled? I know the answer really. When their parents made them that way. ☹️

stucknoue · 19/06/2019 09:50

He wants a bike, the rule with bikes was always you don't get anything else. £200 on a bike is a lot too, many kids get second hand presents or nothing

Fibbke · 19/06/2019 09:50

Money is a crap present when you are 8.

Omzlas · 19/06/2019 09:50

I asked my DD this morning what she wants for her birthday, she won't tell me as she loves surprises

Me: ok cool, I'll buy you an apple
DD: oh no, not an apple
Me: a watermelon?
DD: ooo yes please!!

Your DS needs to understand that money isn't endless and that the party in itself has cost a lot (IMO) so that's where some of the money has gone. And no less than £200 for a bike??? Really??

ChibiTotoro · 19/06/2019 09:50

You do realise that the term spoil doesn't have positive connotations, so before we even get on to the topic of mass consumerism, YABU.

Alwaysonarecce · 19/06/2019 09:51

Yes, I think £300 is a lot to spend on a child’s birthday as well, sorry.

However I do think sometimes that having lots of presents to open, even if all cheapish, makes it feel more like a bigger birthday to a child for right or wrong. I don’t know, have this all to come, mine is 2.5 and so far happy with the spectacle of a cake!

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 09:51

doing his best to put a brave face on it so as not to upset other people

Putting a “brave face” on opening gifts for his birthday, right before his expensive party treat Hmm

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