AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

I think everyone is being harsh here. Children's parties have moved on from when a plate of fairy cakes in the kitchen was usual - £180 is not at all an unusual amount to spend.

Also don't most children have bikes? It's not an outrageous request. he was probably just hoping to get it on the day.

But OP you certainly shouldn't feel bad - you've been more than generous. Piles of presents would be doing him no favours.

AIBU to think people are piling on the original poster a bit? For context, her little boy is 7 almost 8. 7 is still quite small. That's about the age that some kids see their friends having the parties in venues, and depending on the current rage, a trampoline park party for example is very expensive per child. Thirdly, I think it's fair that the OP wants to have everything perfect for her little man, that's only natural. But I think this lesson is harder for her than him, and fair play to her for following through. Some people would (and do) buckle under pressure and borrow money they can't afford. We have this great thing at our school where the pta organise a bike sale party where families bring in their old bikes and can opt to donate part of the final price to the school. Always LOTS of great bargains, and because kids grow so quickly, there are always lots of bikes. No point buying new bikes. Hope your sone has a lovely party, OP. x

You can easily buy a bike for £100,you could have bought one, ££doesn’t mean much to young kids. Halfords have a sale on, just looked they’ve got a boys Apollo bike down to £90. I don’t agree he’s not got enough but he is probably disappointed if he expected a bike and you gave him cash. Why not go after school and pick up a bike.

He sounds massively spoilt already. And somewhat ungrateful. He was 'trying hard not to cry'?! That's a big indicator that you've pandered to him too much already. You say you set limits and stick to them but your limits are huge! They're not normal unless you mix with very wealthy people.

*son

I think loads of posters here are being a bit silly. An 8 year old has no idea about the cost of things or the value of money. He'll know everyone else has their birthday party at X I want it there too. I actually really really wanted my son to have a more expensive birthday party he wanted to have his friends at home - which was cheap but stressful and took bloody ages to clear up.

Kids base their expectations on what they see around them. In DC's class in Y1/YR everyone had their birthday at one of a few places which would easily cost over £400. It's a wealthy area. Of course the kids didn't feel particularly lucky because they saw themselves getting what everyone else had anyway. (I did actually make an effort to explain to DC but though they understand intellectually they're lucky at this age they won't appreciate it on an emotional level).

TBH I would have bought him the bike and had a smaller party - the bike will last years, the party is gone in 2 hours.

Or I would have made sure the bike was there that morning. Birthdays are about today, not deferred excitement.

Yes it is all down to affordability but most 8yo would be upset at £20 toy, he’ll has to face all the 'what did you get' questions from peers this morning and unless he's verbally dexterous enough to say 'I’m picking my new bike up on Saturday' that disappointment is going to show. In my experience, 8yos don’t tend to think much outside of that moment.

BTW you don’t 'spoil' a child with gifts - a child is 'spoilt' when their excessive demands are met. Giving a child a present isn’t going to ruin them for life.

O/T incidentally, if this is all about managing expectations, can the grown women on this forum stop mithering on about the poor quality of presents? That would be a joy.

I don’t even know why I posted here
Everyone has made me feel even worse (not everyone)
Firstly I’m sure every single one of you have get disappointed at some point in your life cause you can’t have something
He has merely seen his cousins get spoilt and thought I want a piece of that
And got his hopes up thinking maybe that’s what he would receive if they had
He didn’t cry, he was grateful, he understands he’s got a party and a smaller present

I don’t want to get him a cheap bike and I don’t want to get him second hand! That doesn’t make him spoilt and that doesn’t make me a bad parent

The fact I have given him some money and he is saving all his other money to get the bike is a good life lesson to save if you want something nice

If I saw my child look disappointed and just told him to suck it up and stop being daft I think would make me a horrible person who’s child would feel like they couldn’t show me emotions

I haven’t given in and gone out and spoilt him cause he was disappointed and I wouldn’t change my plans for the future because I set these limits for a reason

What on earth is wrong with a 2nd hand bike for an 8 year old? My dd found lovely ones for her 2 on eBay or gumtree, far cheaper than new.
And 8 is easily old enough to understand that money isn't finite.

I think with kids it's all about having a few presents to open. It can be cheap ones. I'd probably spend less on the party and main present to be able to accommodate a few pressies to open.

Also I disagree that a cheap bike is just as good. Admittedly DC2 has dyspraxia but he wouldn't have learned to ride on a cheap bike and would still be getting left behind by his friends. WE bought a Frogg (second hand actually) and it was absolutely worth the money.

You gave an 8 year old £100 to buy a bike?!

When mine were that age they didn't really get the value of money. They just liked presents on their birthday, even if they were cheap tat. £100 would get you a really, really decent bike at Argos?!

I don't understand why you would give an 8 year old that much money

PS. Your son doesn't sound like a spoiled brat. He was even trying to hide his emotions

I wouldn't worry about it OP. AIBU is a bear pit. At 8 years old kids base their expectations on what they see around them. They also don't know that a paintball party is much more expensive than a backyard garden party. If their cousins/friends have a certain type of birthday of course they'll expect the same. He isn't spoiled at all. People on MN are very oblivious to normal child development when they've decided to stick the boot in. Your kid didn't have a tantrum or demand 50 gifts. He sounds like a nice boy. It's natural to feel disappointment sometimes and actually important for him as he grows up. You're doing a good job.

I don't think OPs son is spoilt but at 8 he should understand that if he's having a party (which will result in numerous extra presents) he won't be getting loads of presents from family.

I get where you are coming from OP. I grew up with strict budgets for birthdays and Christmas and saw friends getting 10 x as much as me. You need to explain to your 8 year old that other children do get spoiled and it does nothing for their financial education and can make them quite unpleasant and entitled.

@avalanching I don’t disagree with you. It’s about managing expectations. If your budget is £200 and you intend to spend 90% of that on a party, it needs to be made very clear what that means in terms of presents. He’s only little. It sounds like he didn’t understand the consequences of having such an expensive party and that’s why he’s disappointed today.

I think you need to do harder expectation management in future.

Though I don’t see what’s wrong with second hand unlike pp – mine have had second hand things as presents though never manged to get a second-hand bike yet.

It you do end up with some money for bike shopping – Argos prices are good for basic bikes.

7 almost 8. 7 is still quite small.

But he’s not 7, he’s 8!

That said, I don’t think he sounds like a spoiled brat. Even though OP thinks he felt disappointed, he was grateful and polite.

I would have had the bike to open on the day OP, but other than that I don’t think you have done anything wrong, and as long as you keep managing his expectations he will be a happy and well-adjusted child. It’s just a life lesson for him that not everybody gets the same.

I'm surprised at the harshness of these responses.

Firstly, I think there's some confusion. If I've understood correctly, he didn't get the bike he asked for like some people are saying. He will have enough money from a combination of relatives to purchase a bike at a later date but he doesn't know that yet as he won't find out til this afternoon. Is that right OP?

All these posters saying he's "spoiled" and "ungrateful". OP's DS didn't throw a tantrum, he didn't cry, he didn't ask where his bike was or why he hadn't got one, he didn't mention how many presents his cousin got, he didn't actually say or do anything negative whatsoever. OP just felt he was trying not to look sad. So assuming she's right, all he's guilty of is not doing a good enough job of hiding his true feelings. Well, I know plenty of adults who struggle with that so it's a tall order for an 8 year old!

As for people saying he has no right looking sad when he's had X amount of money spent on him...he's 8 years old! You're expecting an 8 year old child to have an adults understanding of finances and to be able to mentally offset the cost of his party against presents received. We don't even know if anyone told him that getting the party of his choice would mean no presents, it's not clear that this conversation happened at all let alone whether he fully understood.

There are threads on here all the time from adult women who admit to being disappointed by gifts they've recieved from DP's and family members, who admit to having had a little cry because they didn't get something that they'd hinted to their DH they wanted for Christmas or Mother's Day. But an 8 year old boy who's hoping for a bike and doesn't get one, doesn't say anything but looks a bit sad and everyone loses their shit. Sometimes we hold children to standards we don't even adhere to ourselves.

The OP does not have a spolied child. God this place is full of arseholes.

He is 8. He saw cousins get more. He got less. Hes upset by that. Because he is 8. And he has handled that upset very well and is trying to not let it show.

That doesn't sound like a spolied child to me at all. He sounds lovely.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Totally agree with you

LazyDaisy29 I think you’ve had an unduly harsh pasting. Parties are expensive and £180 isn’t excessive. I just did a party this weekend which was £260 plus £40 cake and then party food on top. My daughter and her friends loved it and we can afford it. She’s been invited to lots of similar ones so I’m not out of the ordinary among her social group for spending that.

People do birthdays and Christmas in different ways. Some people save things up over the year, others buy as they go. Some include clothes, others don’t. That can make a big difference to the size of present piles. The cousins’ parents might just do things in a different way.

I think it is natural for an 8 year old to look a bit disappointed. He’s probably still a bit young to fully appreciate that the money will let him get the bike and the delayed gratification. If he’s been used to opening lots of presents, it’ll take time to get used to the difference. Once he gets his bike I’m sure he’ll be delighted.

@Bringmewineandcake absolutely, as children we just don't think about the cost (or painful admin!!) of a party, so it's good to get them to understand cost to a degree from a young age. Although not to the extent of taking the fun out of it of course! DS2 wanted a party and a weekend at legoland, he's much younger so I just explained it was one or the other for his birthday treat. Thankfully as he's much younger presents are quite cheap anyway!

It's OK to tell him (nicely) to suck it up,because he is getting the bike and party as well. He has had the chance to express his emotions, but now he needs to be told that he is in fact very lucky, it's just that his gifts will not take the form of a giant heap of presents. It's a good life lesson for him- he loses the temporary thrill of the big heap, and he feels disappointed, but he gets the long term fun of a bike, which will make him realise it was worth it in the long run. But make sure you do point out to him how fortunate he is,regardless of what the cousin got

And Morgan12 i agree