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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
AwfulExperience · 19/06/2019 13:01

I've bought my daughter a second hand bike for her birthday, it cost £25.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2019 13:02

OP doesn't want her son to have a cheap bike or a second hand bike

But Ds has ended up with no bike.

Giving Ds an expensive bike is just painting a target on his back.

Someone will have nicked it before he has outgrown it.

tomatostottie · 19/06/2019 13:05

But Ds has ended up with no bike.

Giving Ds an expensive bike is just painting a target on his back.

Someone will have nicked it before he has outgrown it.

Well exactly. I was just pointing out to the poster who was suggesting a cheaper bike that the OP doesn't want her son to have a cheap or second hand bike.
I find the OP's attitude annoying to be completely honest. I don't agree with people piling on and having a go at her - but it's not really surprising that she has got people's backs up with her attitude.
I don't think her son is spoilt or has problems with his expectations. The OP has a problem with her own expectations.

Mamabear12 · 19/06/2019 13:07

YIKES, he sounds like he is already spoiled! You have spent quite a lot on his bday already, especially if you have to budget to give him that much. I am always conscious of not spoiling my kids too much, as if we just gave them everything they wanted for birthdays or if they expected LOADS always that is just leading them for disappointment as they grow up, they will always want more more more. They should be happy with what they get.

If my children want to celebrate their bday somewhere expensive, we put a limit on invites...We could afford to pay for 20+ spots, but would I pay over 300 for a childs bday? NO! My children have to think about who they want to invite etc. I explain money is not unlimited and if they want a party at X place, costing 20 pounds a head, there needs to be a limit on how many we invite. As for gifts, I get them a variety of what I think they will like, but don't spend much at all. Maybe 100 max, and again we could spend several hundred...but that would not be doing them any favours spoiling them. I believe its better to help them learn simple pleasures. My 7 year old received board games, art supplies, book, a beautiful dress and one toy from us for her bday and she was over the moon. Her grandma bought her the new bike she wanted (which she was happy about, but too be honest, didn't pay much attention to). She was more happy w the new simple game she received, books etc.

Children are way too spoiled these days. Its far more important to help them understand the value of things, the kind gesture, be happy with what you get, because some kids get nothing....that kind of thing. A child can get EVERYTHING and still not be happy, another child can receive one tiny gift, which lights up their world and they cherish it...help them be happy and thankful for what they have.

thecatsthecats · 19/06/2019 13:10

Your Dm was thoughtless. We know someone who also does this every year. Huge pile for favoured child (now adult) and one or two for other child. It has been pointed out but no change. We have all stopped visiting at Christmas because it is really boring watching while one adult slowly opens the huge pile one by one while a crowd of us watch for hours. Even the favoured child says it is boring.....

Yes, and it really is a peculiar dynamic, because in terms of how she treats us on a personal level, anyone would say that I'm the Golden Child. But she also has this frantic need to 'win' my sister with gifts when they have a crap relationship. As I say, my sister saw how upset I was and gave a gift of hers.

BTW - the gifts in this situation are entirely second hand! Some nice antiquey things, some random undesirable items. And quite a few very childish stocking fillers. So not at all about the expense of them. My dad always gives us both a bank transfer of the same amount and lets my mum get on with buying us random and bizarre items - if he'd been remotely involved in the wrapping process, he'd have noticed the difference.

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/06/2019 13:10

Giving Ds an expensive bike is just painting a target on his back.

Someone will have nicked it before he has outgrown it.

FFS- where do you live?

HotChocolateLover · 19/06/2019 13:12

Bloody hell, I couldn’t even afford to get DH a birthday present (and vice versa) So I think your son did pretty well.

thecatsthecats · 19/06/2019 13:24

OP doesn't want her son to have a cheap bike or a second hand bike.

OP wanted her son to have a really awesome exciting birthday present pile. We have no idea whether a second hand bike would have excited her son (his mother's attitude may well have already rubbed off, who knows?). We do know that a second hand bike would have allowed her to buy more smaller gifts.

Beautiful3 · 19/06/2019 13:26

I think it would have been better to have bought the bike for him, to open on the day then taken the money from relatives to help pay for it. He will get lots of presents to open at the party. Just forget about it and lesson learned

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 13:28

Huge pile for favoured child (now adult) and one or two for other child.

that's disgusting! I can't believe parents would behave that way.

CSIblonde · 19/06/2019 13:35

£180 is a heck of a lot for a party. What on earth does it involve? Families with under tens I know, spend nowhere near that til they're teenage. Did you make it clear that impacted on presents? And as pp said I'd have got stuff from relatives beforehand so it's there at start of the day.

Inmyvestandpants · 19/06/2019 13:36

OP you are not unreasonable to want to see your child delighted. We asked for "money for new scooter" for our 8yo DD's birthday but we collected the money in advance, so that she would have the scooter to unwrap in the morning, and that was her only present.

Your son won't be damaged by this experience. He'll know that you have provided nice things for him, even if they didn't quite meet his expectations, or he had to wait until a day or two after the birthday. All children really need is to know that they are loved, which you clearly do. It sounds like he knows to say thank you for things, and that he did so, so you should be proud of him.

Rather than focusing on finances, and trying to get your 8yo to understand your budget, I would instead focus on praising him for his demeanour, in remembering to say thank you, when you could see he was a bit disappointed to not have much to open. Then you could help him to get excited about picking out his new bike, and about the party. If he mentions that the cousins got more, perhaps you could help him to see that more presents would be exciting for a short while but it wouldn't make him any happier in the long-run. And you could talk about waste and materialism, and the fact that studies have shown that the more things people have the less happy they are with any of them.

We try to focus family birthdays on making a fuss of the birthday person: decorating their room, having candles on their pudding, letting them choose the meal etc, which is really what birthdays should be about, not just getting more stuff.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 13:39

£180 is a heck of a lot for a party.

it really isn't.

A football party around here cost more than £300, for 20ish children.
If you rent a hall, book an entertainer you won't be far behind either = by the time you pay for everything, food, party bags included.

I'd budget around £350 for a class party - but it's cheaper if you do everything yourself. I can't be bother to entertain, and get the food ready and do it all. Entertainer (or bouncy castles or whatever) are money well spent.

15 kids at a soft play would cost around £225 minimum around here.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/06/2019 13:44

In answer to your question WaxOnFeckOff In the real world

WaxOnFeckOff · 19/06/2019 13:53

Funnily enough I do too Olivers Hmm. Routinely believing that any item of value is going to get nicked just doesn't feature.

I don't live in a sheltered affluent community, but theft is rare and it's not the deciding factor for anything I'd look to be buying. DC can be trained to put their belongings away securely. I'm presuming you didn't mean someone would take it whilst he was riding it?

I think the thing is that we all look at things from our own perspective and whilst that would not be a factor that would even cross my mind, I appreciate that it might for some. Maybe OP doesn't live in an area where a small child would be targeted for a not particularly expensive bike.

LadyMinerva · 19/06/2019 13:54

It's heartbreaking to see our kids upset. Which is what I believe your post is all about.

For him to try to hide how he feels and be appreciative on the outside is a credit to how you have raised him. So many kids these days would be very vocal about their expectations and disappointment. He wasn't either of those.

As much as that breaks your heart right now, remember you are raising an empathetic and understanding young man who will be valued as an adult.

CCquavers · 19/06/2019 13:58

At 8 years old no child wants to hear that the party was his present. Presents are for opening on the birthday. Your reasoning is very clear in your head but it’s not in your sons. I feel for him and if all he was getting was £20 present from siblings I would not have spent the money on a party.

stickerqueen · 19/06/2019 14:08

£180 for a party is reasonable if it includes the food etc.
We have done loads of kids parties over the years and spent loads more.

We invested in a bouncing castle and some large outdoor games for future parties to save some money.

Moominfan · 19/06/2019 14:11

Expectation and entitlement are pretty ugly traits. I wouldn't pander to them myself

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 14:15

Expectation and entitlement are pretty ugly traits. I wouldn't pander to them myself

GrinGrinGrin
OMFG

I swear I would love to see who some posters are in real life.

bumblingbovine49 · 19/06/2019 14:22

Good grief. He hasn't said anything and was try to hold back the tears.

He is allowed to feel anything he wants as long as he does his best to behave well which it seems he is doing.

Op just remind him that you will go shopping for a bike after the party. Don't have down heavy conversation about how he should be grateful for what he has. There is no better way to make him feel resentful. He is 8 and he knows not to complain. He is tying hard not to let his disappoint ment show. Praise him for that and explain again NEUTRALLY what is is actually getting and acknowledge it can be disappointing to see only a few small presents when you wake up but that he is dealing with the disappointment really well.

He is just disappointed in the haul of presents in front of him. He is allowed to not have properly thought that through at 8 years old !!!!

Op also try to untangle your desire to see his ' happy reaction' from whether he is behaving well or not. He sounds like a lovely boy actually and I hope he has a lovely party and likes his new bike.

Proseccoinamug · 19/06/2019 14:23

I think this has to be a wind up.

I set a limit of £50 for a birthday present/ main Christmas present for each dc. I have made a couple of exceptions when one has had a big present.

My dd got a big present of a brand new bike one year as she’d learnt to ride her second hand one really well.
It was £120. Which is what you spent on DS! It’s a lovely bike and her pride and joy.

Would ds have been more or less happy if you’d got him a second hand bike and perhaps a bundle of Lego off eBay?

It’s not that you can’t afford things for your son, it’s that your expectations and grasp of things is way off and you’ve placed importance on brand new and brand name rather than the amount of fun ds will get out of the present.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/06/2019 14:24

EarlGrey this thread is like a parallel universe. Only on MN is an 8 year old child unreasonable for having the "expectation" that they will recieve a present from their parents on their Birthday.

Proseccoinamug · 19/06/2019 14:26

“Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it”

Disagree. It’s special because it’s yours and it’s chosen because you will love it.

It’s more special than the things he didn’t open this morning!

Why is a decent second hand item not special?
This is your issue OP, not your son’s and not your siblings’. You’ve placed your wants above your child’s.

ssd · 19/06/2019 14:31

I'm hiding your thread. You have annoyed me. Good luck teaching your son values, something you are missing yourself.
Over and out.