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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
Celebelly · 19/06/2019 14:32

MN is full of competitor under-gifters, who apparently earn six figures but wouldn't ever buy more than some stickers and some pencils for their child's birthday. These threads always bring them out in force. Not sure what do they do actually spend their money on, mind you.

Perhaps I was spoiled as a child as I got a party and presents (even though my mum was a single parent), but I have bloody amazing memories of birthday gifts and coming into my mum's bedroom in the morning to find a pile of gifts waiting for me and opening them with us both sat on her bed in our PJs Smile I can't wait to do the same with my daughter. One day of being 'spoiled' a year will do no harm. If you can't be spoiled on your birthday, then when can you?

ElizaPancakes · 19/06/2019 14:33

Glad you’re hiding the thread ssd you sound a positive delight.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 19/06/2019 14:45

I don't think you need to feel bad that he looked sad!
Sounds like you've done absolutely loads for him, but you can never predict how he will feel.

I can still remember being a little kid and sulking about getting given quite a nice present, just because I didn't like it. Very embarrassing memory! And I was by no means a spoilt kid. Kids just feel what they feel and that's okay. Spending more money won't make him happy, spending less won't make him sad. It really is the thought/effort that counts in the long run.

BadLad · 19/06/2019 14:47

I'm hiding your thread.

Are you going to put an ad in the paper?

Nobody gives a fuck if you participate in the thread or not.

crosstalk · 19/06/2019 14:48

OP only a comment on the bike ... do think of second hand. Many are indistinguishable from first hand, and if you come from a tall family, your lad will be too big for it this time next year. You could get him to do his own research on bike shops/ebay/facebay ... and point out he'd have money left over for other things if he didn't buy new. Some kids grow out of them so fast - which is why the second hand market is brilliant!

crosstalk · 19/06/2019 14:49

OP and the best helmet he can buy .....

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 19/06/2019 14:49

P.s. we always buy second hand and our little one gets toys I could never have even dreamed of!! It's amazing!

Proseccoinamug · 19/06/2019 14:51

But celebelly my kids do have a pile of presents and a birthday full of excitement. It just doesn’t cost £300+.

It sounds like OP’s DS just wanted a bike and she could have got him one for £20 if she so wished, and had plenty to spare to get odds and ends he’d love opening.

I’m not a competitive under-gifter. When the dc were tiny they did sometimes get a £20 birthday present. But they have had some big presents too. They have never been disappointed. And I’ve never spent what the OP has.

ElleDubloo · 19/06/2019 14:55

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted to chip in.

Birthdays should not be about money. Gifts should not be about their monetary value.

We’re pretty loaded by most standards, but I wouldn’t spend hundreds on a party or a gift.

When we give gifts or receive gifts we don’t talk about their monetary value. It’s just not a thing.

Birthdays are about love and cuddles and good times and being thankful for each other.

You have a good kid who didn’t cry or tantrum because he was disappointed. But somehow he’s been conditioned to think he should be disappointed in the first place. That’s something for you to change over the next few years.

Celebelly · 19/06/2019 14:56

But this entire thread is about how this little boy is spoiled and entitled. He hasn't woken up to a pile of presents - he's woken up to a couple of small things and basically an IOU (that's what the money means to him). He doesn't know that his party has cost £180 or how much that is given the family finances. He's 8.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/06/2019 14:59

Some of these comments are ugly. And the hypocrisy to be saying the OP needs to teach her son better qualities...

HandbagsAtDawnOrMidday · 19/06/2019 15:04

My DD's birthday is within a week of her best friend.
Different families, different budgets, different priorities. DD intellectually understands this and I'm confident we do what's best for us but it is hard when it's rubbed in your face.

So the best friend will have a massive iced cake, most of which will be scrapped in the bin. £300 of sports equipment bought for a couple of heavily instagramed moments and several hundred pounds of other gifts to unwrap on the day.

We can't and don't want to 'win' at birthdays, it will all be a lot more restrained in our house but sadly it will over shadow my DD's perception and emotional response to birthdays. I feel sad about that.
But.....we're going on holiday in August (friend can't afford it this year) and in the long term I hope my DD won't feel so trapped by 'stuff' - desiring it, buying, storing, etc.

so the long term is good but the short and medium term tricky to manage.

Feelingwalkedover · 19/06/2019 15:04

I’ve never spent that £180 on a party .christ .i did small parties at home and never spent more than £150 at the absolute max on any party and presents...and we could of done as we had the money to..but I just think it spoils them.

CripsSandwiches · 19/06/2019 15:09

I agree about the competitive under gifters. Where I live I doubt there's ever been a party for less than £200. I'm not even sure how you'd manage it unless you have a huge house and can host there. I actually love small parties but it's definitely not the norm where I live. It's usually the entire class at a pay per head venue. Obviously you don't have to do it just because everyone else is but at 8 if all your mates have a certain type of party of course you'll be disappointed if you're the one person who doesn't.

There was a thread recently (not sure if it was AIBU) about whether OP should send their kid to private school on a modest income. Lots of people came forward to say they were the poorest family at private school and they hated having less than everyone around them. It's natural to compare - especially when you're 8 years old.

Snog · 19/06/2019 15:12

Maybe you could have asked him to choose between £200 new bike and no party or a party plus a second hand bike.

Snog · 19/06/2019 15:15

Don't feel bad if you can't afford to spend more than £200 as kids generally far prefer your time and attention to stuff anyhow.

CountryGirl1234 · 19/06/2019 15:20

Ill admit now to not reading all the horrible comments posts.
He sounds like a lovely young man, ok so he’s obviously seen his cousins spoilt. The party sounds like it’s a decent affair and I hope he’s enjoyed it. Of course he will look at what others have had. Present wise but he seems to have rationalised it pretty well, as upon being presented he had neither party or bike and hasn’t had a wobble so he’s been amazing.
It’s not really about the money for the party as he won’t see that until party time. Just the initial wow factor was a few prezzies.
Maybe he hoped his bike would be there. I don’t see why you should have to go second hand or why not wanting too is an issue.
Obviously by the end of the day he will have what he wanted but he’ll learn that somethings are a slow burn.

I remember crying on my birthdays because all I wanted was a horse. Not spoilt, just loved horses Hmm

Stinkycatbreath · 19/06/2019 15:31

Not quite sure what there is to be upset over. It sounds like he will have a lovely birthday.

Katiem1234 · 19/06/2019 15:57

Did you ask him to pick between the party or the bike? I'd of made that clear previously.
I remember my first birthday party, I was 9, so a year older but not sure if it makes a huge difference. I was so excited! It was done at home and pretty cheaply. I knew I wasn't going to get any presents. To my surprise I did get a small box of malteasers too, I was delighted! But I was most excited about the party, I can't remember what presents I got at the party, but I do remember us all playing football in the back garden and having a wonderful time!
Perhaps you didn't make it clear to him previously that he was going to need to choose between the party and the bike. Or let him know everyone was going to put some money towards the bike and he'd get that. Perhaps you should've managed his expectations better.
Although I strongly disagree that secondhand isn't special! My bike was given to me by my cousin, she had 3 siblings who had it before her and it was very clearly not new when I got it. But I rode that thing with pride and joy, it felt very special to me.
However, I don't think you spent too much as others may of suggested. £300 spent on the experience of a party, and money put towards a bike is better than £100 worth of tat. A pile of £100 worth of tat spoils a child more IMO. I probably would've bought the bike secondhand and maybe asked family to get lights or a helmet to go with the bike, or other presents though.

minou123 · 19/06/2019 16:00

Op, I think I understand what you are saying.
I think the social expectations is immense, especially today with social media, that loads of presents is the 'norm' for children.

  • There are some birthday parties where there is an enormous pile of gifts for the child.
  • the thousands of social media posts of parents who put pictures up of all the presents they have bought their children with a caption "look whose a lucky girl/boy this year?"
  • There are also the conversations in the playground after xmas, "how many presents did you get?" "I got 3" "oh I got 20".
And so on

As adults we can employ some critical thinking and reject the pressure to feel we should be getting children loads of presents.

But as a child, we dont have this skill yet, and sometimes this comes out as disappointment. Some children may not succumb to the pressure and be perfectly happy, some children are influenced.

choosingchilli · 19/06/2019 16:39

Op I understand what you're saying and I think you've had some really harsh responses on here.

I'm sure your ds will have a fab party and be completely excited about getting his bike tomorrow Thanks

OpinionatedCyborg · 19/06/2019 17:17

@ssd I'd worry less about OP's values and more on your manners and self-importance where you think announcing your departure holds some significance.

Toodles!

Mamabear12 · 19/06/2019 18:55

Celebelly I doubt people are being competitive when saying the don't splurge mega bucks on gifts even when they can. If you went all out for their birthdays, xmas etc then what would they have to look forward to? I think its important for children to people happy with simple gifts and kind gestures. And for example, instead of blowing several hundred on gifts, putting money aside in your children's savings would be more beneficial. I have seen my children open gifts, very happily of course, only to toss them to the side, play with them once or twice and then forgotten. I get some children like the wow factor of opening and seeing a pile of gifts, but they can be simple ones like - books, stickers, with one or two bigger gifts.

I think the OP should have also set the expectations correctly, by being clear - if we spend X amount on party, we can only afford X amount on gifts. If you want to have more to spend on gift, perhaps a small party with 4 guests at home can do (pizza, games and movie etc). This kind of party is perfectly acceptable. It also teaches children to understand about making choices, thinking whats important to them etc.

honeygirlz · 19/06/2019 19:06

I haven’t given in and gone out and spoilt him cause he was disappointed and I wouldn’t change my plans for the future because I set these limits for a reason

I don't get you OP, on the one hand you say you want to limit spending on birthdays and you set limits for a reason (which I agree with) and on the other you say you want to spoil him and you're gutted you can't.

I'd be telling him that 40 presents in not normal. You'd be doing your son no favours if you replicated this approach. It's obscene.

Pa1oma · 19/06/2019 19:15

What an absolutely vile thread. MN at its worst. My god there are some nasty, aggressive people out there. Talk about kicking a mum when she’s down. Horrible to read.