AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

I think that's quite reasonable for a party. Children are only young once and should have the enjoyment of parties whilst they can.

I also wouldn't buy second hand for Christmas or birthdays, nor would I like to have a used gift for mine.

You're stricter than me, we never factored the party into the present cost as just saw it as something we did for birthdays. However on MN anything over a piece of coal is seen as excessive!!

Hi OP I'm not surprised you've stayed away as there have been some truly miserable and self righteous fuckers pop along .

Did you go binge shopping? Regardless I hope you and your little boy had a lovely afternoon celebrating his birthday, I hope it was sunny and warm for you x

Gaaaa bike obviously

I'd be telling him that 40 presents in not normal. You'd be doing your son no favours if you replicated this approach

I agree. That is not normal at all, if he is disappointed because he saw his cousins getting so many presents, it is very important to teach him that 40 gifts is NOT normal, nobody should have expectations of things out of the ordinary like that. Even being 8 years old, he shouldn't expect 40 gifts surely? And you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to give him that. I mean this in a nice way...

I understand you wanting a new bike. I buy most of my DD toys second hand, I love charity shops, but for a birthday present I'd rather buy something new, that's completely understandable imo

He's 8.

You've spoiled him already if he expects that lot.

And re Bikes, buy second hand, he'll grow out of it pretty quick. £50 should do it nicely.

Not that I think children are stupid, they're not, but he may not be able to grasp that party = huge cost. I remember going to book a party at soft play and being shocked by the £150 charge so we said right, we'll just have it at home. Never knew they were that much, didn't occur to me!

He sounds like a spoilt brat. I spent £25 on my sons presents (he got 5) and his party is costing nothing as he's having a play date with friends and my mum is making a cake.
He's over the moon with what he got and we had such a fun day together. We went to a water park that was £7 for the pair of us to go.

I spend similar to
You, a bit more on the party because we’re in London and I think it sounds fine - but I would have explained about nothing to open.
A friend of mine does a family cake and takes her children to the local mega-Tesco on their birthday to choose a birthday toy.
They are gorgeous kids, not as spoilt as mine are and they really appreciate everything they have or get given.
Less is more. You are teaching him that he can’t have it all - good lesson.
It’s my youngest s 9th soon and there is literally nothing he can think of that he wants as he has it all - wish I’d done it differently.

Hi OP hope you are still reading these replies, just wanted to say remember that the majority of posters on here are rude and unpleasant for the sake of it, and for some bizarre reason obsessed with buying everything for their children second hand or from a charity shop.

I am not a snob but i don't do second hand for my children, i never had it as a child and don't see why my children should have to.

I hope your son had a nice birthday and has a lovely party

*He’s got an expensive party and a new bike plus other presents and he’s disappointed?

I’m afraid you have already spoiled him*

Exactly what I thought too.
When I saw the title I was expecting some poor overworked single mum who’d struggled to provide any gift, not an 8 year old in tears because he only got a party, a bike, a £20 gift from siblings and whatever else turns up.

You know something OP? The clue’s in your first question

AIBU to want to spoil my child

Of course you are! Spoiling is exactly that! Treating him in such a way that he won’t be able to relate to the real world in 10 years time. Preventing him from understanding that it’s the time and effort and care that people give which is important - not the size or cost of the present. He sounds great& I bet he will love his party and this will make up for the morning’s transient disappointment. Don’t spoil him. Make him happy & proud of his second hand bike.

Spoil him with love, 365/6 days a year. Sad but true to modern life post.

Seeing your children disappointed is the hardest part of parenting. I hate it. It makes me feel sick and too sad. I totally get you OP. Think the trick is managing their expectations beforehand. I'd spoil too as default if I didn't talk myself out of it!

When you throw a party for your child do the following;

Put up decorations such as balloons in YOUR house
Bake a cake
Make some little sandwiches
Have garden games such as water balloons & nerf weapons
Invite all his friends to the house.

You just spent a few quid on one hell of a good time.

Don’t worry OP, sounds like he’s spoilt already

I think it's you with the jealousy issues over cousins' presents op, not your boy.

Fwiw, for my ds's 8th birthday he got a (2nd hand, but new to him) bike that he was delighted with, and has almost outgrown in 18 months!

Shocked at all the people saying your ds seems like is a spoilt brat. He actually sounds mature and resilient from your description.

But unfortunately even if you spent £3,000 on each birthday you wouldn’t be able to protect your ds from small-scale disappointments like this. It is just something that is part of everyday life.

Can’t you find him a decent second hand bike?

I may have been a pita to my dc but they were seldom surprised on days like this.

I would have told them what was going to happen:

You will get a few presents in the morning, at home. Your big present is going to be your party. You might (wink, smile) get a big present at the party bc grandparents chipped in. They want to see you open it.

I know this sounds goofy to some, but I had very sparing birthdays as a child. It hurts. So I always tried to think of all possibilities of hurt feelings for my dc.

I think that spoiling a child is not the amount of money spent. It is the sense of entitlement. They expect it without thinking of others.

My mother passed away shortly before a venue birthday party. Nobody wanted the party so we gave it to a children's charity.

Our dc understood that their birthday money was going to a sick/poor family. They chose to give it. It made all of us a little happy at a sad time.

I made a concerted effort to make them aware that things are not love. And love can be represented by things. But it is only one way to show love.

They turned out pretty good. Not pretentious or grabby.

My dh and I believe that spoiling dc is a form of abuse. We have siblings who are spoiled. They are miserable inside and out. It was not money spent on them that spoiled them, it was the lack of them understanding that their parents were favoring them over their siblings in an unfair manner. They think only in terms of themselves.

We did everything we could to teach our children that everyone is equal, including them!

I think that what taught them the most was watching the lack of respect given their grandparents by their spoiled uncles.

I may have gotten off track. But spoiled children have unhappy lives. I really do not think that giving what you can afford is spoiling dc. We tried to always help our children understand that it's people before things. Love before money.

It sounds like he has received plenty. He has to learn life lessons and this is just something to get through. I would be curious to know how much you would spend on him and why? We don't spend more than £50 on a bday present and a party at home. We keep it bare bones and have no guilt. They get presents from friends and family...not many but they have enough.

I can afford but I choose not to buy my children lots of presents. I find it empty consumerism and hated when they were little and the parties would result in dozen of presents from classmates. Everything ends up loosing the meaning. I always made an effort to get something I knew they would appreciate and never had they complain. He is picking up this expectation from you. My children colleagues also have their parents buying dozen of presents but I always explained to them what is really important.

I'm genuinely appalled at some of the nastiness on this thread. People piling in, calling him spoiled, comparing him to Dudley from Harry Potter, for gods sake?

He's a LITTLE BOY. It was his BIRTHDAY. He was slightly let down, but put a brave face on it because he's clearly a decent kid and didn't want to hurt his mum's feelings.

In that respect, he sounds a lot more mature and better brought up than the shower of shits on here, gleefully putting the boot into a stranger who is sad because her son (who is EIGHT, not EIGHTEEN, in case you missed that part) was upset on his birthday.

If even one of you has the decency to come back and apologise, I'll be amazed. But you won't, will you. Because you're off looking for another easy target. Pathetic.

What a dangerous precedent to set - what happens if, heaven forbid, you end up unemployed or in very different financial circumstances in time to come. Is everyone going to have a nervous breakdown? He will always find people who get bigger and better than he does, so what are you intending to do about that? This may sound harsh, but the truth is the best things in life aren't things, and the sooner we learn this the happier we can become.

I'm genuinely appalled at some of the nastiness on this thread. People piling in, calling him spoiled, comparing him to Dudley from Harry Potter, for gods sake?

I love how nasty everyone is being to OP here and berating her for spending so much on a party when there's another thread at the moment berating OP for being shocked at someone who spent £20k on a kid's party.

I don't understand the unkindness of so many people here. He's a little boy and had a picture in his mind of his birthday. What he was excited about happening, didn't happen. Even the loveliest person gets disappointed sometimes, and it's heartbreaking to hear how he tried to hold in his tears and seem grateful. He sounds really sweet. Birthdays are not a good time to teach children about life lessons, birthdays are when they feel special. Obviously his expectations were not all that realistic, but that's what happens when you're 8.

Obviously the OP will be careful of that next year, but for now she's sad and her boy is sad and she wad just looking for some support. What good does it do anyone to pile on saying how much better they would have handled it? It's so easy to be the perfect parent when you're sitting behind your keyboard. We all make mistakes.