AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

It’s also fine for a child just turning 8 to not really have a firm grip on family finances

This. Some of the responses on this thread are ridiculous.

I'm sorry he's upset. Talk it through with him later, with figures. Explain about family finances. He's so small he won't know he really can't have everything he wants. Let him plan ahead for next year, small present with party or bigger present and no party.
Spoil him with your time, attention, love and care.
Put a limit on what you expect to provide for your children financially.

I'm with Bluntness on this - the posters calling the child for being disappointed are being both unpleasant and ridiculous.

WTAF is it with posters on here slagging off and attacking children

From what I see they are suggesting it is the parents fault, not the child.

@VSheeshazAZ09

err, patronsing much?

At what point did it become acceptable to equate expressing love for one's child with spending huge amounts of money on them?

it's not about that at all, but refusing to spend and give anything to children that could spoil them is completely stupid.

There's nothing wrong in spending the money you have on children. They only have one childhood, no need to feed them gruel and send them down the mine to teach them values. Kids don't get spoilt because they get a few birthday presents, are people that insane?

It’s also fine for a child just turning 8 to not really have a firm grip on family finances

Absolutely this. It's absolutely 100% normal for an 8 year old to compare what they have to others the same age they see. If their cousins got a mountain bike and a games console for their birthday naturally they'll wish they had got as much too. It's just human nature.

I don’t think a bike that is around £90 for an 8 year old is exactly a cheap bike.

I bet he wouldn’t even notice the price tag.

You are thinking the more you spend the happier he will be and kids don’t work like that at 8 years old.

From what I see they are suggesting it is the parents fault, not the child

Then the re read the thread.

This child isn't spoiled. There is nothing to be furious about. The fact he woke up to very little to open on his birthday disappointed him. That's fairly normal. Just because some posters specialise in giving their kids fuck all, doesn't mean this little boy is spoiled, ungrateful, unpleasant or any other deeply unpleasant thing.

well, things like the frogs mountain bikes are around £600, so a £90 bike sounds reasonably cheap.

I think you are getting an unjustified hard time here, OP. It sounds like he handled his disappointment really maturely. I wonder whether you could have prepared him better about what choosing the bike/expensive party option actually meant? I would also have tried to get other family members to chip in earlier so you could have had the bike there for him to unwrap on the day. Eight is very young to understand about delayed gratification. I also don't understand why you are getting a hard time from the environment point of view when you've chosen to get him one present he will use and value rather than a heap of cheap plastic crap.

FFS, the kid asked for a bike for his birthday and when he came downstairs and there was no bike he looked a bit sad..that's it! Based on this people are telling OP she's ruined him for life and he's going to grow up "entitled"? This is completely batshit. 8 year olds aren't supposed to be fiscally responsible, nor are they supposed to be completely adept at hiding their emotions from everyone around them. This child is just being s perfectly normal 8 year old and OP isn't a monster for not wanting her sons Birthday present to be second hand. Second hand is fine if that's what you want to do, but it isn't evil or even in any way unusual to want to buy your child a new bike for their Birthday for Christ's sake!

It's like those tedious "how much do you spend on your DC at Christmas" threads where posters are queuing up to proudly declare "DH and I are both high earners but we're only getting little Johnny a book, a handful of nuts and a jumper I've knitted myself because we he needs to learn the value of money and some of us actually care about the planet!" Bore off!

Oh, and as an adult at Christmas a few years back, I had exactly this response:

looked gutted, trying hard not to cry

... because my mum (scatty as hell, with a weird dynamic with all of us), had taken her usual scattergun approach to gift buying and wrapping, and had a HUGE pile for my sister, and perhaps one or two for me.

My sister gave me one of hers saying 'the label must have been mixed up'. My dad 'remembered' that he was giving me money for a satnav and gave me £100. My mum later apologised when I pointed out it made me feel like shit - but yeah, it still makes me upset to think that she didn't think how obviously bad it was that I was being given so little next to my sister.

He isn't spoilt. Op most of the comments sound like sour grapes, he didn't throw himself on the floor and cry, he felt a bit disappointed and that's ok he is only 8. I always feel torn on birthdays and Christmas I want to buy loads of toys but I know it's not a great idea, I feel guilty but I get over it. Not to mention all the crap gets played with for five minutes then left on the floor.

Yeah I think the issue is that he didn't have his bike - that kind of deferred enjoyment doesn't really work for young children very well. Money as a gift is pretty uninspiring so I think it might have been an idea to collect the money beforehand so he came down to a bike. I remember waking up on my birthday to my first bike and it was amazing - getting money for it and going to buy it in the shop at some later date would have been nowhere near the same.

When he is older he won't remember the present element of his Birthdays as important , he will remember feeling happy with his friends and family. My dc are late teens/ twenties now, when I ask them now about their favourite memories of birthdays and Christmas it's not what they received but the celebrations they recall. All the family being together for Christmas with cousins to stay who we didn't see often, climbing a local hill as a tradition early Christmas morning. Being loved and included will be more important than the gifts when he looks back at his childhood.

what bike did he want? £200 is a lot for a bike that he will outgrow.

Can pick up nice bikes for much cheaper than £200 We paid £98 for a brand new bike for dd.I'm glad we didn't spend a fortune because a year later, it's too small for her they really don't last.

do you live near a bike shop?

Can you go pick out a bike together after school?

He will love it when he gets to choose his bike later. And he will forget the disappointment.

@thecatsthecats

Your Dm was thoughtless. We know someone who also does this every year. Huge pile for favoured child (now adult) and one or two for other child. It has been pointed out but no change. We have all stopped visiting at Christmas because it is really boring watching while one adult slowly opens the huge pile one by one while a crowd of us watch for hours. Even the favoured child says it is boring.....

Fucking hell he's not spoiled. He's a boy who's woken up to a few small gifts and some money. Money just isn't exciting at that age. Having a birthday party is normal and doesn't make someone spoiled.

My sons birthday cost $500 for the party, it was just bowling and some food for a group. Venues these days cost an arm and a leg. My ds is a lovely sweet boy, he's never acted ungrateful. It's possible to receive and not turn out to be a wanker.

Cheaper bikes we've bought have turned out shit. Would much rather go to a bike shop and have them measure out the right bike for him to grow into.

A party isn't a present to an 8yo. I would have got the bike and not the party if you can't afford both.

Can pick up nice bikes for much cheaper than £200 We paid £98 for a brand new bike for dd.I'm glad we didn't spend a fortune because a year later, it's too small for her they really don't last.

OP doesn't want her son to have a cheap bike or a second hand bike.

When is the party?

I agree that picking out the bike (once he has the money) is a good plan but not everything needs to be today?

Its hard as he will have the bike and the party but for all intents purposes he has woken up to very little on the actual day of his birthday. Did he know this was the trade off for the bike / party? Was he prepared for the fact there wouldn't be much?

Firstly, you don't spoil children by buying them things.

secondly, I'm not really sure if the limit is because you can't afford more or because that's what you have decided that's the limit?

If the former, then you do what you can within your limits. If the latter then it's up to you what you decide to spend. I don't have a fixed limit. It depends on what Dc wanted or needed that year. One year it might be a new bike at £££ next year it might be a dressing up outfit and a light saber and a set of lego. As long as you are happy with what you've bought, it's something that DC will love and you aren't getting yourself into debt then what you spend is no-ones business but your own.