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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
IHeartArya · 20/06/2019 00:36

As I explained upthread Boney for both mine & dhs families it’s families first & foremost.

You may not care about families but ours do. All The dcs now mostly teens & in their 20’s understand this. It’s about mutual respect & values a thing I’m sure some less selfish people would understand. All the dcs have grown up to be loved. We are a family of almost 30 immediate members on mine & dhs side with lots of in-laws on both sides. It’s the Greek way. Family first. Nothing to do with bullying.

It’s a huge huge support network. I was very ill a few years back & my sisters in-laws flew over from abroad to look after her dcs so she could be by my side. My BIL in-laws took care of my dcs so my immediate family could be by my side.

Bullying? I don’t think so. Can you say the same. I didn’t think so.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 06:41

IHeartArya

You may not care about families but ours do

Interesting extrapolation from a response.

It’s about mutual respect & values a thing I’m sure some less selfish people would understand.

Who is more selfish the one that doesn't want to come because they have something on (a commitment of some sort) or the person who invokes the 3 line whip and demands your presence?

I was very ill a few years back & my sisters in-laws flew over from abroad to look after her dcs so she could be by my side. My BIL in-laws took care of my dcs so my immediate family could be by my side.

So nothing remotely like missing an event?

Can you say the same. I didn’t think so.

Actually I can, but we do so because of actual "mutual respect & values" not because of a demand by someone that threatens "consequences" if they don't get there own way.

TeddybearBaby · 20/06/2019 06:59

Given the details I’d be upset. This isn’t a once a year event, it’s a monthly routine sounding one and it doesn’t only take away your nephew, it takes away your bil. Sometimes children have to be told no, not this time and I think this is one of those times. In fact I wouldn’t even consider my son would be going anywhere else on his aunts wedding day or frankly anyone else’s wedding that we’ve already rsvp to. Not great priories or manners imo.

I hope you have an amazing day 💐

IHeartArya · 20/06/2019 07:08

I apologise Boney I was extremely & unnecessarily rude to you last night. I still stand by family first but was out of order in the way I spoke to you.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 07:19

IHeartArya

No worries.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/06/2019 07:24

YABU, you can't insist guests come or moan when they don't. It's an invite not a summons.

Are you over invested in the planning if its taken 2 years to plan?!

I wonder that too. Marriage is about the vows made between two people, not the set dressing on the day. Too much emphasis on the big day seems to be the growing trend and listening to wedding planning for two years gets very very boring.

BackwardsGoing · 20/06/2019 07:28

Your DS was rude not to tell you.

You are now being petty to say they can't turn up as soon as they are available.

Let it go. Everyone has their own problems which don't stop for your wedding. It's not worth falling out over.

Have a wonderful day.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 20/06/2019 08:17

He's 10. Let him do something fun instead of sitting through a wedding.

Italiangreyhound · 20/06/2019 15:18

Weddings can be brilliant times, seeing family you might rarely see, enjoying special food, bring part of something bigger than oneself. I find it so sad people expect so little of children that they cannot now do anything not centered wholly on them!

Tiredand · 20/06/2019 17:37

Wedding vs Sport, I know which my kids would pick.

Youngest is still miffed he missed his teams biggest game (they lost and say they'd have won it with him playing) to attend his grandfathers wedding. And it took a lot to persuade him he had no option but to attend.

NoooorthonerMum · 20/06/2019 17:48

YABU, you can't insist guests come or moan when they don't. It's an invite not a summons.

This is so so so stupid. You can't insist anyone comes but of course you can be upset if they don't come to an important event. No normal person would be fine if a close relation couldn't be bothered to come to an important event.

NoooorthonerMum · 20/06/2019 17:50

Wedding vs Sport, I know which my kids would pick.

Yes my DC would rather go to Legoland everyday instead of school. The kids don't get to decide though - because they don't understand the importance of these events or the effort their aunt has already put into their life and how upset she'll be if he's not there.

TigerTooth · 20/06/2019 17:51

He’s 10! Let him play - so long as your sister is coming. Silk shouldn’t have told you, that was mean.

NoooorthonerMum · 20/06/2019 17:53

Who is more selfish the one that doesn't want to come because they have something on (a commitment of some sort) or the person who invokes the 3 line whip and demands your presence?

In this case without a doubt the person who can't give up a routine event to go to an important one off family occasion they had already
committed to attend is the selfish one. Your response is unbelievably selfish and people like you don't tend to like it when their attitude is turned around back on them. Sorry I'm not babysitting anymore - I'm going to go out with my friends instead because it's more fun. If you can't put yourself out for your family even a little tiny bit you can't expect favours in return.

Pinkmouse6 · 20/06/2019 17:53

YABU, ten year olds hate weddings. Of course his sport is more important than a wedding to him.

FullOfJellyBeans · 20/06/2019 17:56

I can't believe the bare faced selfishness of some people and encouraging the same attitude in their kids. My kids often have things they'd rather do in favour of Aunt Agnes's 70th birthday or a Wedding but they go because it's important for their family member for them to be there. Especially an aunt who's put a lot of effort into enabling them to do the sport in the first place! You can't reap all the benefits of a close family then not bother when they expect a bit of consideration in return. Unbelievably rude!

FullOfJellyBeans · 20/06/2019 17:57

YABU, ten year olds hate weddings. Of course his sport is more important than a wedding to him.

In some families 10 year olds have parents who make decisions about where they go and at what time. My DC don't like school on Monday mornings because they have spelling tests - they'd rather go to the park. They don't have that option.

HaveNoSocks · 20/06/2019 18:01

lol I love the idea that kids can just opt out of family events at the last minute because they'd rather be doing something else and somehow it's not at all rude!

RosaWaiting · 20/06/2019 18:14

OP, yes, she should have been the one to tell you.

cory "Unless there is relevant SN, learning to handle social events not of your choosing is excellent training for life."

I sort of know what you mean, but this is so depressing. If more people just said no, there wouldn't be so much pressure to attend.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 20/06/2019 18:17

I sort of know what you mean, but this is so depressing. If more people just said no, there wouldn't be so much pressure to attend.

Oh come on this is so so selfish. We're not talking about pressuring distant cousins or old friends to travel to some distant location we're talking about immediate family coming to a wedding which is important to OP. Sometimes you should feel pressure not to hurt the feelings of family members who have gone out of their way to help you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2019 18:21

In my family, weddings and funerals trump pretty much everything else. There are some things that you just don't get to decide to do something else for. We don't do that.

Your sister is not as close to you as you think, OP. Feel free to swerve her family 'important events' too now that you're aware of the precedent set.

RosaWaiting · 20/06/2019 18:22

All I was thinking of the statement generally, not the OP wedding.

I read it as "obligatory social events - life training - suck it up generally" - as if life is jam packed with these things. Well, it can be - I learned to say no.

not as "someone did some nice things for you, return the favour". Also, even if the second applies, there are other nice things that can be done in return.
.

EdWinchester · 20/06/2019 18:46

I find weddings a bore and I'm an adult. Let him do what is more important to him and his family. You really won't miss him.

DoulaDaisy · 20/06/2019 18:56

My DD is 10. She wouldn't have wanted to miss her aunties wedding for the world. Your sister is being UR.

HorridHenrysNits · 20/06/2019 19:01

Your sister should've had the courtesy to tell you herself, that's absolutely fair enough. You're being silly getting upset over the kid not coming though. He's 10. Of course his sport is more interesting and important to him.

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