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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 19/06/2019 18:40

Actually I think OP is being very reasonable. Turning up half way through the meal is really rude. The catering staff would be fussing about which course they were being served, or half/all the meal is wasted, or they interrupt the speeches. Much easier to cancel the meals & save the money. If he feels ‘deprived of his desert’ then I’m sure BIL can buy him lunch & an ice cream after his competition.

Also those suggesting it’s unfair to make a 10yr old suffer a boring wedding, don’t mind his siblings being subjected to it.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/06/2019 18:48

Actually I think OP is being very reasonable. Turning up half way through the meal is really rude.

This. I think it's a poor show that a 10 year old can't miss a monthly sporting competition to attend his aunt's wedding, especially given how much of a contribution his aunt makes with babysitting 2 nights a week so he can do the sport. Unless it's the bloody Olympics, the kid should be at the FULL wedding. He certainly shouldn't be rocking up halfway through the meal. That's even more rude than not attending at all. I'd be saying that he misses the entire wedding then. Be there for all of it or none of it.

BummyKnocker · 19/06/2019 18:51

He can do his sport every month, you only get married once (hopefully). Your sister has handled this very badly.

billy1966 · 19/06/2019 19:09

OP Try not to let this spoil your wedding.

I certainly don't think YANBU.

I think your sister has been very, very rude.

For someone who clearly depends on family to oblige her, she's a beauty. And rearing a beauty too. He should absolutely be going to his kind Aunt's wedding.

Arriving mid meal because of a routine sporting event🙄.

Where on earth do people come from with the manners they display.

Very rude.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 19:58

So posters who think family is SO important would prefer them not turning up at all? you might as well them the sister not to come at all either, what a lovely way to celebrate a wedding.

The bride won't even notice who is there and who isn't for the first part of the wedding- apart from the groom. Surely it's better to have the entire family coming at some point that none at all.

It's not rude not to go to a wedding, but it's never a nice message for the bride and groom if people haven't go very valid reasons.

I'd rather have people I like for half my wedding than none at all frankly.

BarbarianMum · 19/06/2019 20:02

I think that, if the people I love think so little of me that they can't even be bothered to cancel a routine leisure engagement to see me wed, then the relationship needs serious recalibration.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 20:07

Good grief, it's a 10 year old boy, not the bride's father.

Some people really need to get over themselves. Such a shame to waste so much energy and spoil your thoughts of the wedding with such petty comments.

CripsSandwiches · 19/06/2019 20:10

I wouldn't blame the 10 year old at all. I can imagine at 10 wanting to go to the sports thing instead of a wedding but my parents would have insisted I missed it that month and explained that a wedding was important and it was important to my aunt.

CripsSandwiches · 19/06/2019 20:17

Honestly, I must really live in a parallel universe. One where it is really, fucking rude to rock up to a wedding reception halfway through cos you had something better to do first.

This!

MsJuniper · 19/06/2019 20:21

He's going to grow up to be one of those men with an Important Hobby, isn't he.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 19/06/2019 20:28

Or @MsJuniper he could grow up to be one of those men who compete in the Olympics.

Some sports demand commitment above all else. But there are massive rewards at the end.

flumposie · 19/06/2019 20:29

Yanbu. I have a family member who constantly chooses her hobbies over christenings, weddings etc even when they get 9 months notice Then turns up to the party part . I'm pretty much done with them.

fadingfast · 19/06/2019 20:33

I quite agree @MsJuniper. I think it's an important lesson for children that sometimes they have to put other people first, and a close family wedding is a priority over whatever sport they happen to take part in. At 10 it's really not going to hurt them to give it a miss, however 'gifted' they are. I'd be really disappointed if one of my sister's children didn't come to my wedding for that reason, and particularly to hear it from a third party. For me it's a family celebration and not something I would give a 10 year old the choice of attending.

Inis · 19/06/2019 20:42

Yanbu. I have a family member who constantly chooses her hobbies over christenings, weddings etc even when they get 9 months notice Then turns up to the party part . I'm pretty much done with them.

You seem to feel that you 'earn' your party by attending the church service or whatever, but she may feel entirely differently, and think she is doing her bit by showing up to part of the event to do her family duty.

Some of us don't put family above all else. I don't think it makes us lesser people. Some families are affectionate but not particularly close-knit, and sometimes you marry into a family that has very different ideas about celebrations and seeing one another to your own. DH's family will throw a huge party on the flimsiest of pretexts, and they all live in one another's pockets, and don't understand why I don't drop everything to attend all of them.

The OP's sister presumably doesn't see this wedding as an occasion for a three-line whip. Yes, she should have told the OP herself, but the wedding is still 2 months away, so it's possible she was hoping the fixture would be moved, and wasn't anticipating that another family member would drop her in it first.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/06/2019 20:51

IHeartArya

We even have 3 line whips in mine & dhs family for all family events,

So your family has adopted a means by which they can bully and sanction another family member.

I'm if that is what you mean then there is something seriously wrong.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/06/2019 20:56

MsJuniper
He's going to grow up to be one of those men with an Important Hobby, isn't he.

Or one of those men whose hobby became his profession.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 21:03

Of course we're all arguing a different issue from the one the OP is making.

She's okay with him going to his competition. She just wishes her sister had had the guts to tell her.

OP is a better person than I am.

Tavannach · 19/06/2019 21:11

If you do so much for his sport, which is really kind of you, he could think that you of all people would understand. He's the child, you are the adult, don't take it on him.

Agree.

He's a 10 year old boy showing great committment to his sport. He'll learn that family's important if you continue to support him by saying that it's great he's making the effort to come to your wedding straight after an event which is a 2 hour drive away. I would welcome him no matter what time he arrives.
I agree it's a pity your sister didn't tell you herself. She may have assumed that as you're so supportive you would realise how important the event is to him.

jacks11 · 19/06/2019 21:23

He's a 10 year old boy. Most 10 year old boys do not generally enjoy weddings all that much, whose wedding it is probably doesn't make much difference to that. I remember being VERY bored at family weddings about that age. Why do you need him there to see you get married? He won't care that much and you probably won't even miss that he's not there (unless you choose to focus on it).

I don't think you should get upset unless it means that your sister can't come.

Penelopeschat · 19/06/2019 21:29

I understand why you are upset. I don’t think you are being unreasonable. He should be there, your sister should communicate and there are some family things that are just more important. It’s a privilege to be part of a loving family and teaching her son to value that is important IMO. Life isn’t just about self, we should teach children to care about their family.

I would talk to her and if the rumour is true tell her how hurt you are. I also like the advice not to let this cause a rift or row. At the end of the day it’s her decision whether you agree with it or not (and to be clear I really disagree with someone skipping a family wedding due to sport unless Olympics etc!).

BackforGood · 19/06/2019 21:34

I am from an older generation,the idea that a 10year old gets to decide what he is doing is alien to me.
Me too, but then children going to weddings is also alien to me.

Interesting that, due to the answers, you've changed from being so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding, to not minding that fact, and now only being justifiably cross that your DSis accepted the invitation and then has said neither her dh nor ds will be there, and hadn't told you.

MsTSwift · 19/06/2019 21:57

Agree with Penelope. The number of kids who become professional sports people is vanishing small. We had a foreign student who played a sport for her country but was giving it up so she could go to university

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/06/2019 22:27

MsTSwift

The number of kids who become professional sports people is vanishing small

So we should just take that chance away from them?

Starfish85 · 19/06/2019 22:57

YANBU.

I'm astonished at the number of people saying that a wedding wouldn't interest a 10yr old. That's not the point at all. He made a commitment to someone very important in his family and that takes precedence.

Your DSis has behaved appallingly. I'm wondering if she is secretly resentful of your wedding for some reason?

If I were you OP I would stop any babysitting. Your DSis has let you know exactly how important you are to her in a very unkind way. Don't let her take advantage of you like this.

BlueJava · 19/06/2019 23:32

Yabu. Your sis is there, he's 10, not seeing a problem. Are you over invested in the planning if its taken 2 years to plan?!

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