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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
NauseousMum · 21/06/2019 10:06

I dont get why not babysitting punishes the child. If it's an important sport commitment then either one parent will stay home or they'll find a babysitter.

The sister's been rude in her communication or lack of. Why should OP do her favors?

And i agree with not doing meals, it's doubtful that after the event, showering, changing and driving 2 hours that bil and nephew will be there on time. At best is not an indicator and if the boy has played sport he will be hungry and need food before driving 2 hours. Bil and nephew get food then come. The sister is unreasonable to be annoyed at that.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 21/06/2019 10:15

They can come to the end of the meal part without being served a full meal though- it’s for the speeches and the ambience, surely? Banning them from the room seems petty.

I’d like to know why children with two parents need weekly babysitting to enable their sibling to do his sport?

lazymare · 21/06/2019 11:18

We know that it is not important. OP says it is routine.

A routine 'turning up' can still make a huge difference going forward. Could be the last chance to gain points etc.

Jaxhog · 21/06/2019 11:40

I think a lot of people are missing the point.

  1. Sis had already accepted the invite. Presumably, she knew about DN's regular sporting event at that time. She obviously doesn't value keeping commitments.
  2. Sis didn't tell the OP. The OP had to find out 3rd hand. This is just plain rude.
  3. Sis has arranged for DN to turn up during the wedding without asking if this would interrupt the OP's special day. Pretty selfish.

I think the OP is being perfectly entitled to be upset about this. Her sis clearly doesn't value her at all. I agree with the OP. Either people turn up at the beginning and stay to the end, or they don't come.

loobyloo1234 · 21/06/2019 12:08

YANBU OP. I honestly think MN is a parallel universe for people with strange opinions sometimes

1 - Its not a competition that he couldnt miss so YANBU to expect him to miss it
2 - I loved going to weddings even when I was a child. If you think a wedding is boring for a child, maybe your wedding was just boring
3 - Your DS is out of order for not discussing this with you before you had to speak to her. Almost pathetic in fact

Hope you have a great day nonetheless

senua · 21/06/2019 12:31

You need to be the bigger person here OP. BIL and DN will be late but DSis and the other nieces/nephews will be there. The perfect hostess will ensure that there is as little fuss as possible for the late arrivals so I suggest that your table plan places DSis and her empty chairs at the back of the room near the toilets the door.
Smile

GabsAlot · 21/06/2019 13:01

I think your sis has been monumentally rude and you should rethink how much you help her out

Its not for a special comp or anything so he could miss one time

wednesday32 · 21/06/2019 13:06

It is shitty the way you found out, however if you regularly babysit the family to work around this activity, had your sister assumed you knew he would be at this particular event? You need to speak to her directly as it sounds like a lack of communication has caused this. Just a thought, could there be a feeling of he's not important enough to have a role such as pageboy so he wouldn't be missed. personally if i was as close to my sisters family as you are i would be having them as flower girls/pageboys(just a thought, this is not a dig in any way x)

PuppyMonkey · 21/06/2019 13:18

He’s ten years old, just what is the unmissable sporting competition he’s due to take part in - Wimbledon? The Olympic Games.

(Sorry, can’t come up with any other famous spirting events as I detest all sports).Blush

Very poor form of your sister and her family OP.

(This one needed the vote button, take note @MNHQ).Wink

SVRT19674 · 21/06/2019 13:44

Well, I became a mum at 44 so the idea of a ten year old getting to chose what he does is weird. Family first, unless it's a massively important competition. You do what you're told full stop. I agree better to show up in the evening so as not to pay for good food that will go to waste. I remember when a good friend got married to a man who had a son, about 14, the son couldn't be bothered to attend because he had decided to go to a concert. Both were very hurt by it, as they were especially close.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 21/06/2019 16:40

I became a mum at 44 so the idea of a ten year old getting to chose what he does is weird.

I don’t follow. I became a Mum at 43 but I can grasp this concept! I don’t agree with it, but I can see why some parents might permit it. What has being an older Mum got to do with this?

IHeartArya · 21/06/2019 17:46

To the posters saying op won’t miss her nephew, how do you know that? I’d be gutted if any of mine or dhs nephews & nieces missed our wedding or big birthday!

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/06/2019 18:03

PuppyMonkey

Its not just about the event as such, there are competitions that you don't miss because not just because of places in team or rankings but because talent scouts are there.

We don't know enough about the sport that the DN does to say whether or not it is one of those events.

senua · 21/06/2019 19:37

there are competitions that you don't miss because not just because of places in team or rankings but because talent scouts are there.
If you are that good then the talent scouts will find you. Nobody who is potential world class standard gets overlooked because of missing one event.
However, I think that OP should not insist on nephew's attendance or she risks getting the blame when (when, not if) he "doesn't make it".

lazymare · 21/06/2019 21:39

I remember when a good friend got married to a man who had a son, about 14, the son couldn't be bothered to attend because he had decided to go to a concert.

Or could not cope with his parent marrying someone else.

Original poster
LittleMissCool · 21/06/2019 22:58

Thank you all for your comments all of which I have read and taken on board.

Yes I understand that a 10 year old would likely rather be at a sporting event, however I had since confirmed with my sister this is a routine event and nothing out of the ordinary and he wouldn't lose his place. I still did not insist that he attend my wedding instead. I just asked that he arrive once the meal had finished. I was taught basic etiquette growing up and turning up mid meal would be considered incredibly rude.

My issue is not at all with my nephew who is a child, but with my sister for not talking to me about it, especially after RSVPing. Especially after I do a lot to help her out. For the person that asked why I do so much when he has 2 parents, my nephew insists on both parents being present for his training sessions, it is their choice as parents to go along with this.

I understand that a few of you believe that I am a bridezilla for planning this for 2 years, the reason for this is that I have been brought up a Christian and both my fiance and I agreed (his suggestion) that we attend church for a while together so he could understand fully before our marriage ceremony.

I have let the matter go as life is too short, i wrote my initial post as the situation arose and I was feeling fairly emotional. However, i did calm down and take a step back before reacting to this.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 22/06/2019 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/06/2019 08:24

Do you never get to go out on a Friday night OP?

Dropitlikeitshot · 22/06/2019 08:39

I’d be stopping the whole both parents present at training thing, simply by saying ‘Oh no, I won’t be coming over to watch your other DC for a while, so you’ll have to make other arrangements. Sorry!’

Both you and his parents are enabling him in to thinking what he wants is much more important than anything else in his life, including these sort of gatherings which are a big deal.

Also, we planned our wedding for 3 years so we could save, book and pay off exactly what we wanted. I wasn’t a bridezilla, and neither are you.

saraclara · 22/06/2019 09:22

my nephew insists on both parents being present for his training sessions, it is their choice as parents to go along with this.

WTF? And they let you give up your time twice a week to enable his entitled attitude?

I had a very sporty child and was runnning around a lot to facilitate her interests and commitments, but there's no way I'd have allowed this. The other children deserve a parent's presence too, and asking another adult to give up so much of their time would be entirely unfair.

I'm gobsmacked, frankly. That kid is going to grow up onto a horrible adult.

timeisnotaline · 22/06/2019 09:55

Well, it sounds highly likely you will have zero interest in hanging around with the adult your nephew grows into, with his attitude. Please say no to the odd night you usually help, it sounds like an essential development point that he can’t demand both parents go to every training. Poor other kids Shock

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/06/2019 10:11

If you think a wedding is boring for a child, maybe your wedding was just boring

Grow up.

00100001 · 22/06/2019 11:26

If you think a wedding is boring for a child, maybe your wedding was just boring

Face it, weddings are boring for adults too
Inky gets interesting once the drinks have settled I and the dancing begins.

Weddings are a lot of sitting/standing and politely listening.

Or standing and making small talk whilst waiting for the next round of politely sitting and listening/making small talk.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/06/2019 14:27

Most weddings are boring for adults too. Sitting through speeches, waiting for hours whilst photos are taken, making small talk etc. More around the bride having the perfect day than the guests I've found with weddings that are planned for months on end.

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2019 14:41

@Molly564

Well of course the 11 year-old was bored if he was the only child there.
Would have been kinder to say no children at all.

I'm of the older generation where weddings were for whole families, an excuse for children to see distant cousins and make new friends. And always a giant piss up party too.