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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 20/06/2019 19:02

I can understand why you're disappointed. They accepted the invite, then discussed not being able to attend and then didn't tell you. Finally, they tell you that he'll be there halfway through the meal.

  1. They should have given you a heads up, and not let you find out 3rd hand
  2. They should have ASKED if it was ok for him to come late.

YANBU

Cockadoodledooo · 20/06/2019 19:03

If it happens monthly and you babysit his siblings in order to facilitate this, why would you have not just chosen one of the other 3 weekends in the month if you wanted him there? 🤷‍♀️
Understand you being peeved about hearing it second hand, but telling him he's not allowed to arrive during the meal (which you say you've already let the venue know he'll be having) seems churlish.

Lima45 · 20/06/2019 19:12

Totally agree with what @Jaxhog has said.
It's not what's going to happen, it's that they've made all these arrangements without informing the OP.

One of my cousin's got married the day I had an art GCSE. So I had to miss the ceremony. We spoke to her and worked it out so I could show up later without interrupting proceedings. Unfortunately I had to miss the meal because I'd have showed up midway through at best.

So I ate en route and showed up for the cake cutting and first dance, but at the bride's suggestion not because we decreed that that was how it was going to happen!

Catsinthecupboard · 20/06/2019 19:28

I think that your sister felt badly and did not know how to tell you.

Your family member was brave or trying to start trouble?

Be gracious. Be kind. Your nephew will remember if you are not.

Theoldwrinkley · 20/06/2019 19:30

I think you are being a bit precious. A 10 year old, generally, is not going to be interested in a wedding, even a very special aunt’s wedding. Let him enjoy his day. You enjoy yours.

missbloomsbury · 20/06/2019 19:39

Bear with me OP this is a long story -

Our nephew was born 12 years before we had our own children. We loved spending time with him. He came to visit us & stay with us. We took him to theatres, restaurants, museums. He loved it & we loved it.

Fast forward 35 years. Sadly my husband has MND. Our only son is working abroad. Our wonderful nephew now cares for my husband full time (paid of course, we wouldn’t have it any other way). He does this out of love & constantly talks about how we helped shape his childhood - many of the experiences he mentions we had long since forgotten!

What I’m trying to say is, yes of course this is your important day, but your nephew is your nephew for life! If he really needs to do this, be gracious & understand - he will love you all the more!

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 19:58

@NoooorthonerMum

In this case without a doubt the person who can't give up a routine event to go to an important one off family occasion they had already committed to attend is the selfish one. Your response is unbelievably selfish and people like you don't tend to like it when their attitude is turned around back on them.

I could virtue signal and tell what I do that I would miss a wedding for and if my family thought less of me then I wouldn't consider them in a particularly good light.

There are many many people out there that need routine events and help and its people like me that provide support.

Its people like you, living in a bubble that can't see beyond your own lives that need to branch out and give others a helping hand, that might just make you reconsider your values.

HomeMadeMadness · 20/06/2019 20:01

Bloody hell it's not virtue signalling to say you would honour your commitment to come with your family to your sister's wedding which you've known about for years!

Some people on MN seem happy to accept favours from all and sundry but the thought that they should suffer any minor inconvenience for their nearest and dearest family members is beyond them. Jeez it's a once a month sports event the 10 year old will get over it.

HolesinTheSoles · 20/06/2019 20:03

Its people like you, living in a bubble that can't see beyond your own lives that need to branch out and give others a helping hand, that might just make you reconsider your values.

Yes that bubble is called basic good manners and consideration. If your sister is close enough to care for your kids over night to enable your son's hobbies then you can take the trouble to clear your schedule for ONE DAY to go to her wedding which you already committed to doing. I'm definitely with PP if you can't do that you're just monumentally selfish.

HolesinTheSoles · 20/06/2019 20:06

If it happens monthly and you babysit his siblings in order to facilitate this, why would you have not just chosen one of the other 3 weekends in the month if you wanted him there?

Probably because she had lots of other people to consider some of whom would need to travel and book time off work and the many had limited availability and she assumed that since it happened every month she wouldn't need to rearrange her entire wedding around a 10 year old's hobby!

ChiaraRimini · 20/06/2019 20:06

fucking rude of your sister not to have discussed with you.
The 10 year old won't have a clue though, don't blame him.

MiniEggAddiction · 20/06/2019 20:10

I worry about these kids who are led to believe that their every desore is the centre of the universe and weddings should be rearranged so that they don't have to miss a single week of their hobby.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 20:11

HomeMadeMadness
Bloody hell it's not virtue signalling to say you would honour your commitment to come with your family to your sister's wedding which you've known about for years!

Who said that it was?

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/06/2019 20:13

HolesinTheSoles
Yes that bubble is called basic good manners and consideration.

As is honoring a previous commitment.

Molly564 · 20/06/2019 20:31

i do think this is a reasonable compromise. I didn’t actually have any children at my wedding expect for DH’s 11 year old nephew and i believe he was rather bored. We said family children only as I don’t really think weddings are for children. Ours was a massive piss up as well so I am glad no other children were there.

There are some good comments on here. I mean for one yeah no I am married myself and having been through the stress of it I cba with other people’s weddings and also wouldn’t care less if someone couldn’t make it.

Also, people saying he won’t be on the photos well I don’t really look back at the photos with my family in, it’s the ones of me & DH i love! Also, 2 family members aren’t with the person they brought with them anymore and they don’t want to look at the photos - hence why we don’t have any on display in our house!

On a final note please enjoy your wedding and don’t fall out with anyone :) it’s just one day that means a lot to you and your other half x

Lifeover · 20/06/2019 20:33

At 10 it doesn’t matter if he wants to be there or not. It’s a very close family members wedding. Time to teach him his wants don’t always come first, sometimes you have to do things that aren’t your priority for the good of someone else. At ten he goes where his parent tells him to.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/06/2019 20:37

@Lifeover like when? I didn't go to a families wedding recently...because I didn't want to. The sky is still exactly where it is.

jwpetal · 20/06/2019 20:45

I am going against the grain and am surprised that your nephew, who is only 10 will miss the wedding. We believe that family events are important, because they are a family event. If they lived in another country, yes. For an everyday event no. Speak to your sister. find out what the concerns are. Not all weddings are boring. It is a life experience to be with all the family. A memory etched in the mind. Both my husband I remember our first weddings. Will there be other children? cousins?

Binglebong · 20/06/2019 20:52

Op you have my sympathy. This must have felt very hurtful and I completely understand you feeling upset. Your sister should have talked to you so that you could work out a compromise, rather than having it thrust on you. Possibly she wanted to save you stress and then got defensive when it didn't work.

I would urge you not to act on this on a hurry. Wait until after the wedding and see how you feel. There's a good chance you will have had conversations with your sister by then, you will both have had time to think about what you want to say and how, rather than being caught on the hop. You do a lot for your sister and family and I hope they appreciate it. If they don't, if you feel unappreciated, that is something that should be addressed. But not by lashing out when you're hurting.

A problem on MN is that often people feel they have to act NOW when sometimes letting feelings settle and understanding both why you're really hurting and what solution you want would work better. Don't enter into a row that harms your family over this.

Congratulations and have a lovely wedding.Flowers

BackBoiler · 20/06/2019 21:15

My 11 year old would be excited if his aunt got married and would duck out of the sport for the day if it wasn't a very important event. He is one of his own sometimes though l. My 7 year old will always choose his own activities and I thi k he always will! Maybe the nephew doesn't want to come and your sister is hoping she can change his mind!

RosaWaiting · 20/06/2019 21:16

"It is a life experience to be with all the family."

I think by the time I was 8, I was thinking, shit, how many more of these? And my family is tiny!

it might be a "life experience" but so is the competition he is doing.

Anyway, OP has said she feels her sister ought to have told her herself and I completely agree.

Friedspamfritters · 20/06/2019 21:23

Bloody hell he does the sport competition every month of course he should attend the wedding it's for the parents to decide not the 10 year old! OP is a very close family member who has done a lot to help their family and this is the one event that is important to her. Bloody hell how selfish can you be?

I can't believe people who happily let other people help them out but can't bear the idea of any slight inconvenience to them to show some love in return! "Oh no my 10 year old wants to do his sport instead!" Tough luck! He can miss one out of 12 this year!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/06/2019 21:26

All those people going on and on and on about 'it's the parents who decide!'

They did!! He's going to his event.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 20/06/2019 21:29

I can understand your hurt at decision and the way that you found out about it. I would be hurt by this too. I agree that he can’t turn up partway through the meal.

If I were you I would seriously be reconsidering facilitating his sport in future.

Ohbehave1 · 20/06/2019 21:36

I am getting married next year. I would be furious if I was in the same position. And for several reasons.

First and foremost, RSVPing and then not showing up is not only rude. It costs the couple money.

Secondly, having given up so much time for the child, it would be a huge slap in the face for them not to show up for one day. How many times has the OP had to miss something because of her commitment to the child.

Thirdly, it IS the parents who should make the decision, and if they were a decent parent they would teach the child that you sometimes have to make sacrifices, especially those that have sacrificed for you.

What's wrong with someone wanting a close relative to share with their day. If the child and SIL truly love their sister they would be there for the whole day.