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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 19/06/2019 09:07

I have always made it clear that my children will be attending family events whether bored or not. Unless there is relevant SN, learning to handle social events not of your choosing is excellent training for life.

But in the present case, I agree with the posters who think it makes a difference what kind of sporting competition it is. Depending on the sport and on his level of proficiency, this might just be an age where important decisions are made about his future. I know you said "routine" competition in your OP, but do you know for sure?

In any case, don't let it spoil your wedding: focus on your happiness. Weddings are fun- HAVE FUN!!!

CollyWobbleNightmares · 19/06/2019 09:08

My aunt and cousin had to miss my wedding for a sporting competition. It led to qualification for national events. What might seem routine for you, might not be for him.

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2019 09:08

Oh, get over it. You are not the centre of everyone's universe.

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 09:08

I’m afraid that unless its the commonwealth games or a qualifier for similar, it’s just plain rude.

IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2019 09:08

I agree with pps that it depends on the level of comp and the knock on effect of missing it. Is it regional/national level and does missing mean he might miss out on the next level of competition?

Either way, if your sister and her DH are together and he is invited to the wedding too then why can’t another parent/team coach take your DN to the comp?

Have all three of them RSVPd and have you already paid for their meals?

Very very rude of them not to tell you direct and to expect to be able to waltz in halfway through the meal. YANBU and I would be angry at the way they’ve gone about it, especially as you facilitate said sport.

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 09:10

I’d be gutted if ALL my family hadn’t been at my wedding or major birthday. We even have 3 line whips in mine & dhs family for all family events, especially a wedding. Poor form on their part, poor form. And nothing wrong with learning how to cope with being bored.

IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2019 09:10

Oh, get over it. You are not the centre of everyone's universe.

@bridgetreilly you’re a charmer, aren’t you. 🙄 There are such things as basic manners. Also, given that @LittleMissCool facilitates her DN’s sport by babysitting o/night every week, she deserves the courtesy of being told directly.

Inniu · 19/06/2019 09:10

Regardless of the level of the competition not telling the OP was very rude.

Are the still expecting the OP to babysit this week?

CrumpetyTea · 19/06/2019 09:12

I think YANBU to be upset that your sister didn't tell you - it isn't right for you to hear it second-hand - if I was her I would have wanted to manage the way you were told

Its not clear whether its unreasonable that he (and your BIL) don't attend- depends very much on the sporting event/size of wedding/size of family/sister's role. For a special competition and if they weren't playing a special role at the wedding (ie not top table) I would smile nicely and bear it

VeThings · 19/06/2019 09:15

I’d be upset in your shoes about your sister not telling you directly, for that yanbu.

For DN attendance, I assume the competition is critical for him to move up stages (rather than a scheduled match for which someone else could be given the chance to play). So whilst very disappointing that he can’t come to the wedding, it’s understandable.

If it’s not critical, this would be very hurtful. You’ve helped her out enormously and your wedding should be the priority as a family occasion.

Does DS have form for not keeping you informed - was she worried to tell you and putting it off? Or is she dismissive of you generally but you’ve managed to brush it off / ignore it before?

NauseousMum · 19/06/2019 09:15

Tbh given her brusque reply, next time dhe needs a babysitter I'd be telling her that your time doing X is more important to you.

It's really rude she didn't tell you, especially with catering now 2 people will be gone.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/06/2019 09:18

It depends on the competition.

For them to travel a couple of hours away it must be important especially if they're missing a wedding for it.

Personally, I remember going to a wedding at 10 and being bored stiff. Other PP's have enjoyed it but I guess it depends o the person.

It wouldn't bother me, I'd be happy to see them after the ceremony but yanbu to be upset that you found out second hand - your sister should have told you.

MsTSwift · 19/06/2019 09:20

Now imagining the nephew as Billy Elliott as just watched the film!

BadLad · 19/06/2019 09:22

We even have 3 line whips in mine & dhs family for all family events,

You have what?

Fleetheart · 19/06/2019 09:24

YANBU to be hurt, but YABU to make a fuss. this 10 year old nephew does not care about watching you get married; he obviously loves you for who you are not for the pomp and ceremony. You will see him at the breakfast. No need to be a bridezilla.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 09:28

He's 10 and your wedding is not on his radar. Sorry, I know it is important to you but cut him some slack. If this sport is so important to him that you babysit his siblings twice a week, surely you can understand that?

GlamGiraffe · 19/06/2019 09:31

Yanbu.

BIL and nephew won't be showing up until late.
To me that shows little respect and in future is be less willing to babysit for them in honesty. Have you told your sister how hurt you are? If not I suggest you do.perhaps she's for an odd reason utterly unaware. Possibly they don't feel close to you in the same way you do to them.
I'd be upset and annoyed and expect my nephew to be there whether he thought it was boring or not. Its a family occasion and he should be there.

Whatnotea · 19/06/2019 09:32

Totally unacceptable from your sister. It is a big family occasion and there should be no discussion with a 10 year, his family commitment takes precedence over a sporting comp, however good he is. Unless there was some back story.

His parents should be teaching him about family loyalty and making difficult decisions.

However, you need to let it go, rise above and stop the baby sitting. Make no fuss and just let it go. He will be there for the service & photos. Though I think it is shocking they expect you to pay for an adult and child's food and leave 1/2 through the meal.

Good luck with the wedding.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 09:34

There are such things as basic manners

Yes, and understanding a ten year old’s need to compete at a sport he loves, and spends a lot of time taking part in, is mannerly too.

Insisting the boy is one of a whole bunch of guests to watch you say “I do” and eat luke warm, mass produced food, is entirely unreasonable.

The dad and the boy are willing to do what they can to attend when they can, sounds like a great compromise.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 09:38

His parents should be teaching him about family loyalty and making difficult decisions

What about loyalty to his coach, to the people who give up their time to teach and support? How about dedication to becoming better at something, by training and competing? Good things for a ten year old to learn too.

rise above and stop the baby sitting

Sure, what better way to show a child you love them. That’ll teach HIM to not make decisions other people don’t like.

The only think wrong in the scenario is that OP had to hear it second hand. Although, given her response here, I’m not surprised her sister didn’t want to raise it with her.

TheRedBarrows · 19/06/2019 09:40

You will always be his aunty, that’s what matters.

You have facilitated the training he does for this sport, so what is that all about if you then expect him to drop a county level (or above) competition?

Be proud, wish him luck, be pleased to see him when he arrived at the Reception, and don’t create an ongoing feud by deliberately withholding contact in the future.

Why ruin a happy day with drama and taking everything do personally?

WomanLikeMeLM · 19/06/2019 09:41

I think your being a bit of a Bridezilla about it. The sporting event is just as important to your nephew as your wedding is to you. Your marrying your DF, and thats all that matters.

Original poster
LittleMissCool · 19/06/2019 09:41

He wouldn't lose his spot if he didn't attend the sporting event. they had all RSVPd and these had been confirmed with the venue.

I have no real issue with him not attending my wedding due to this. It's the way I have (or haven't) been told thats bothered me, especially considering how much I do for the other children to ensure he can continue with this sport.

Anyway, the general consensus is a bit mixed. I've spoken to her and said I'm disappointed that she didn't speak to me, and I don't want him to turn up mid way through the meal but he is welcome later in the afternoon/evening.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 19/06/2019 09:43

God theres some arseholes in full force today on this thread you should be shamed of yourselves. OP you are not being unreasonable or a bridezilla they are massively rude to attend half way through a meal who does that!

BossAssBitch · 19/06/2019 09:55

YANBU I would have been v sad if my nephew didn’t come or want to come to my wedding and like you I am also very close to my sister and my nephews. I got married last year and both nephews are very sporty but there is no question that my nephews wouldn’t make my wedding day, it was one of the most important days of my life. And not all children find weddings boring, my nephews (13 and 17 at the time) had a lovely time. Likewise I will go through hell and high water to be at events that are important to them.

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