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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/06/2019 08:27

Does this sport go on all year or does he miss it for holidays etc?

underneaththeash · 19/06/2019 08:30

I'd be really upset too....bloody swimming competition.

I'd be cutting down the babysitting too.

justmyview · 19/06/2019 08:31

I think it depends on the nature of the competition.

primary school level - should be at the wedding

county level - borderline

national level - should be at the competition

PutyourtoponTrevor · 19/06/2019 08:32

God, a wedding would be so boring for a 10 year old. Let him go and do something he'll enjoy

TheRedBarrows · 19/06/2019 08:33

Well maybe your SIL should have MN def her business and let your DSis tell you first.

You know your Dn trains for this sport, so it is important to him and the family.

They will be back in time for the fun celebration time.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 19/06/2019 08:34

I don't know , justmyview: if missing a county competition means missing the opportunity to compete nationally, my sympathies would be with him.

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 19/06/2019 08:34

YANBU. I would be gutted if my nephew hadn't been able to make my wedding, as would he to be missing out! Kids have something on all the time and sometimes parents should prioritise other things.
I'd be really hurt if my sister did this to me, but even more hurt that she didn't tell me herself.
Sorry OP. Maybe explain to her how you feel now. Nothing will change for her I am sure but it gets it out if the way and you can then let it go and focus on your fabulous wedding xx

TheRedBarrows · 19/06/2019 08:34

If it is a couple of hours away it is at least county level.

Missing it could put him out of a national competition, scholarship place, team place....

Lizzie3869 · 19/06/2019 08:35

YANBU, it's very rude, particularly your sister not telling you directly. Also, my DDs are very sporty and have gymnastics every Saturday morning, no way would that come first over a family wedding (unless it was a major competition, which they practised hard for).

ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2019 08:40

It sounds like this kid is dedicated and serious about his sport. It is more important to him than a wedding, and that's not really unreasonable: I hate sport myself but people who hope or intend to make it their career have to be dedicated and committed at a young age. And your DSis is not wrong to put her child ahead of her sister, either. They have tried to compromise - he and his dad will go to the event and then come along to the party. So please try to be generous about it rather than insisting that he comes for the whole day - do you really want a miserable kid there on sufferance?

JustHereWithPopcorn · 19/06/2019 08:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable!! I actually think your sister is being inconsiderate and selfish! At 10 years old your nephew will remember the event when he's older, he should be part of the pictures and celebrations. Also your brother in law should be there for the celebrations.

Hearing it also second hand is bloody rude. How close to the wedding was she going to leave it to tell you?!!

If I was you I would be reconsidering your babysitting duties.

jennymac · 19/06/2019 08:41

Totally not being unreasonable. Very strange behaviour in my view and wouldn't have happened in my family. My brother got married a couple of years ago when my kids were around the 9 and 10 age mark and they had a ball playing with all their cousins. No way they would have wanted to miss it even if they had a sporting competition on the same day.

MsTSwift · 19/06/2019 08:41

God my 10 year old would be in heaven if invited to her aunts wedding and wouldn’t miss it for the world. Stop generalising about 10 year olds! You wouldn’t say “all 43 year olds enjoy golf” would you?

Nonnymum · 19/06/2019 08:43

It sounds as though it is an important competition ans he takes it very seriously. If he is part of a club perhaps he has to go I'd he wants to continue with them? I'd they were on holiday would they break it to enter the competition. If so I think you should just accept that he takes his sport seriously and it takes priority. At least he will still be attending just a little late. And your sister will be there.

LondonJax · 19/06/2019 08:51

Depends on what the particular day is. If it's a competition or something that will count towards an award then I'd be more inclined to put it to one side. If they're driving a couple of hours away from their normal training area then that implies a competition as someone said. Having said that, I'd expect a bit more consideration from my family in letting me know. These things don't just 'appear' overnight so my question would be why weren't you told earlier. There's things like table plans to consider. I'm assuming, even if they are arriving half way through, they're only expecting to be fed with the evening guests - surely they're not expecting you to pay for a meal then they'll only eat the dessert?

If, however, the reason for the couple of hours drive is because of your venue is away from the normal training centre, so it's not a competition then, as his mother, I'd be telling him to suck it up.

DH doesn't enjoy family weddings on my side of the family, just as I don't enjoy family weddings on his side. Both of us only know the main family as we're from opposite ends of the country so don't meet 'outlying' family members. It's hard work. But we do it because, as my DH says, sometimes there are things that just have to be done. Weddings is one of them. If it's a regular training session I'd be dragging him along, telling him to get a smile on his face and learn that that's life sometimes.

Either way I wouldn't be doing quite so much babysitting in future - probably less if it turns out he's just having a strop because he's going to miss a training session rather than a full blown competition that his parents could have been more courteous about.

BarbedBloom · 19/06/2019 08:52

What level of competition is it? If it is a requirement for the next level or is linked to his long term.ambitions then I can see why they would be sending him. It hasn't been handled very well at all, but whether YABU does depend on the nature of the competition.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 08:52

So your BIL isn't coming either?

Is this really top level sport? I'd be gutted not to have such close family at the ceremony. And I'm also amazed that so many posters don't seem to see a wedding as a full family occasion.

CripsSandwiches · 19/06/2019 08:54

Obviously a 10 year old might not care about a family wedding but as the mother of a 10 year old I'd insist he comes unless the sporting event is really crucial long term.

lmusic87 · 19/06/2019 08:55

Did you speak to her OP?

TuttiFrutti · 19/06/2019 08:55

YANBU. I can see I am going against the grain here, but I think a family wedding is more important than sport (unless he's a sportsman at national/Olympic level) and the fact a 10 year old might be a bit bored is beside the point, he should be made to attend. In years to come he will remember your wedding whereas he won't remember just another village football match. It's sending a message that sometimes you have to put other people in your family first.

zingally · 19/06/2019 09:01

Unless you have a vital role in the raising of this 10 year old, I'd strongly advise letting it go.

I promise you, 10 year old boys do not care a jot about their aunties weddings. And even if he did come, your likely interaction on the day is not likely to extend past "hello John! You look so handsome!" You won't miss him.

Let it go.

Tooner · 19/06/2019 09:02

I think your sister has been quite horrible not even bothering to tell you your nephew wasn't attending the full wedding yet she had bothered to tell SIL. You do her a massive favour babysitting every single week and she didn't have the decency to let you know he wasn't going to be there for the whole wedding.
And to tell you in no uncertain terms makes me think she was quite arsey about it. I would have asked her why she hadn't thought to mention it to you.

Juells · 19/06/2019 09:04

he should be made to attend.

Haha how to make sure your nephew enjoys the day.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 09:05

He can only play this sport because you're kind enough to babysit two nights a week. Your sister should be bearing that in mind.

MILHouse · 19/06/2019 09:05

As PPs have said, a two hour drive to the event does indicate it’s a bit more than “just another village football match”.

The details of the event/competition are hugely significant in deciding who is being U here.

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