AIBU nephew not attending wedding

[LittleMissCool]

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

I think it's probably a case of two events that are equally important to the people involved in them. Possibly your DSis didn't know about the clash of dates when she and her family accepted your invitation - perhaps it was a case of DN/his team not expecting to qualify for the event, or the date of it being moved. They might not have known for very long that this clash was going to occur, but your interfering SIL blabbed to you while they were still working out what to say to you.

Again, please suck it up rather than sulking. Insisting he misses his competition just to please you is not the way to make for good ongoing family relationships, and you will have all your other guests around you for the ceremony and photographs etc.

God theres some arseholes in full force today on this thread you should be shamed of yourselves.

Like the ones suggesting she should now quit babysitting, in protest?

got married last year and both nephews are very sporty but there is no question that my nephews wouldn’t make my wedding day,

Were they missing a competition?

Yabbers her sister clearly takes advantage of her and her family cant even attend her special day proper after RSVPING to say they would op finds out from her SIL and now nephew and Bil will arrive half way through the wedding breakfast that's beyond rude and disrespectful

Like the ones suggesting she should now quit babysitting, in protest?

That's not an outrageous suggestion at all. OP is justified in feeling taken advantage of. If she's a close enough family member to look after kids overnight then her sister should certainly make sure all the kids are at an important family occasion - especially when it's just a routine sports event he'd be missing.

I actually think the better option would be to talk to the sister and explain that you're hurt and hopefully come to a resolution but it's not at all ridiculous and precious that OP is hurt. I say this as someone who didn't have a big wedding and isn't that invested in them in general.

With it being a competition, I think I would accept it (whilst being disappointed), but hearing about it from someone else would be the real issue. It's very bad manners, and quite cowardly. Especially in view of the role the OP plays in the kids' lives. This isn't an auntie they only see at family events.

How long you have been planning your wedding is irrelevant. do you really think this child has spent the last 1/5 of his life anticipating auntie's big day and expecting to give up everything in service to playing his proper role in her script for the day?

He is a child, and has signed up to be a certain place at a certain time. No matter he won't lose his place, he has accepted a responsibility. the event itself isn't important, him learning that you sometimes have to choose knowing you have to disappoint the expectations of either these people or those people is. a childhood sports event might be routine and unimportant to you, and when it's your child you are welcome to impress upon him how unimportant his interests are, but his parents have decided his responsibility lies with the team he signed up for, not the party he was invited to, as is their right.

He signed up for the wedding too!

Reassess your relationship with your sister. Is she a taker? Does she support you in any way? 1 evening and 1 overnight babysitting per week is a huge amount of support you give your sister and nephew. Do they take you for granted? Do you feel valued?

Of course insisting that he attends is not going to work. And the OP isn't intending to.

But I think that the sister should have recognised the OPs input into the boy's ability to get as far as he has in the sport, and talked to him about how attending his aunts wedding would show appreciation for that.

I’m very surprised how mixed the responses are. I’d be really disappointed he couldn’t miss one event for something as big as a wedding. So he won’t be in photos etc. Also wouldn’t be happy with “maybe turning up half way through a meal” as you will then have to pay for something that won’t get eaten. They can eat then join after the wedding breakfast! Though I think he should be there. Or at the very least you should have been told properly.

Well done for not going full MN Bridezilla on this OP

especially when it's just a routine sports event he'd be missing.

We only have the OP’s word on that. It’s important enough for a sister who is close, to think it’s ok to miss a wedding and travel four hours round trip for. Unless she is a complete bitch (and there is no evidence of that) you cannot possibly know how important it is. It’s also not clear what the sport is. If it’s a team sport, his non attendance might affect the whole team.

her sister clearly takes advantage of her
How can you possibly know that? The OP hasn’t said anything which suggests that. Does the OP hate having the kids over? Or is it lovely spending time with her family? Does the sister refuse to do anything for the sister? Just because they have an arrangement which works well and which both parties seem happy with, doesn’t mean she is being taken advantage of.

Sometimes as adults, we have to balance the needs of our children with the needs of adults. And sometimes adults lose out there. Sometimes the children do.

If this had happened to me, I would have been sad my nephew wasn’t there (but then, we’re that close, he was a page boy in our wedding) but if my sister deemed his sporting competition important enough for him to miss my wedding, I’d have accepted it was a difficult decision for her and she was doing her best to compromise. If he’d turned up half way through the meal, I’d have made sure the kitchen kept it warm for him, he’d be ravenous after competing. He’d get a warm welcome and a big hug. Because I love him, and I love my sister, and I would still have been able to get married to my husband and had a lovely day celebrating it.

He signed up for the wedding too!
No he didn’t. His mum did.

3 line whip - all family members turn up to a family event. A nephew a no show at a wedding or large family gathering would not be acceptable in either mine or dhs families. A sporting event where a team place isn’t lost wouldn’t be prioritised.

We only have the OP’s word on that.

Why would OP make a thread and lie. We only have OP's word that there even is a wedding. It's standard to believe what the OP says or why bother having an online forum at all!

By all means OP should check with her sister exactly what is going on and this might all be resolved nicely but I don't think there's value in assuming the OP is deliberately lying.

Even if OP has misunderstood and the nephew is actually going to be doing his trial for a place in the olympic team during her wedding ceremony it's incredibly rude of her sister not to immediately tell OP this and explain.

Even if OP has misunderstood and the nephew is actually going to be doing his trial for a place in the olympic team during her wedding ceremony it's incredibly rude of her sister not to immediately tell OP this and explain.

For all we know, the sister was planning to explain the situation in full, and a shit-stirring SIL spilled the beans from spite before she could. Or entirely innocently dropped her in it because she assumed the sister had already told the OP?

Have they already accepted the invitation and then changed their mind because the sport competition came up?
That 's a bit rude, once you commit to something you should stick with it unless you have a real emergency Yes, they should teach their child to stick to your commitments.

Apart from that, it doesn't matter if a 10 year old turns up mid-way through the meal, he will still be there for the party. A wedding is not that big deal for them, the kid is 10!

I don’t really see a problem with him not going, weddings are boring to be honest. The evening Do is a bit more exciting and he will be back in time for that.

But what about family photos? He won’t be in any & I assume BIL won’t be either.

I don't think a 10 year old cares about family photos

Get someone to take pic with him later on, what difference does it make.

And not everybody makes the whole day around the bloody photos the best weddings don't dump guests whilst the bridal party is posing away for hours, the couple actually joins the fun so photos are taken all throughout.

@LittleMissCool you have a choice.

To make this a thing or to let it go.

I would advise you to choose the second option.

Why should OP continue to babysit to help her sister out? Her sister has been bloody rude and disrespectful. Not in nephew not coming but in delivering that fact. Rude for OP to hear third hand rumours, rude so close to the time, ride after rsvping yes to not update and rude to say as she did.

Would i babysit for someone who was rude to me? Would i fuck.

I agree that they have been rude, particularly not telling you immediately, but seems a bit petty to say that they can’t turn up mid way through the meal. Would you not do the speeches at the end of or during the meal? Why not let the lad have a nice dessert after his event? Are you going to give the places to someone else, or use the money saved for something specific?

You didn’t answer my previous question re whether the nephew’s Dad was also invited to the wedding (I thought perhaps he and your sister might not be together). But you say “they” so am presuming he is- are you not even more pissed of about an adult suddenly dropping out of the wedding with no Discussion with you?

I understand your hurt feeling. Not as important as a wedding obviously but my DSis didn’t come to my only child’s christening, where she would have been godmother due her kids swimming lessons. Just lesson be, not a gala or competition. Still hurts

I think it's time to accept & rise above it or you'll let it cast a cloud over your whole day. There were a few things that really niggled me about our wedding but nearly 19 years later I can barely remember. Tell sis you're looking forward to seeing him in the evening and he better have a trophy with him to show off