AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

But why is he bothered about expensive trainers and clothes?

I too am eager that my kids learn to budget OP. I do have to treat dd and ds differently in that ds has no interest whatsoever in buying clothes and will wear old clothes until they don't fit and thn some so I don;t give him the responsibity for any clothes wheras I do give dd a budget.

When setting their allowances I came across a couple of sites indicating the sums that children in care get. They are supposed to get an allowance so that they don't feel different to their peers. We are fairly well off but I wanted the amount I give the dc to be realistic but not seem flashy in comparison to what some of his friends from less privileged backgrounds get.

I have a responsibility to feed and clothe my children. For dd who is at college this is an allowance of £3.50 per day for lunches. For ds at school he gets £2.35 per day plus takes a packed lunch.

Dd (aged 17) gets
£10.50 per week pocket money
£10 per week clothes/books allowance
£5 per week hair/make-up/toiletries allowance (she's living away from home but her lodgings provide basic soap/toothpaste etc)
I pay her phone contract and provide underwear & a full set of college uniform plus shoes at the start of the year (she has stopped growing)

Ds who is 15 gets
£8 per week pocket money
I don't give him the clothes allowance but mentally budget for about £5 per week for extras other than the basics I buy him.

The suggested amount of pocket money for a 12 year old in care is £6-6.50 per week plus £10 per week if buying own clothes & £2.50 per week if buying toiletries, plus basic mobile phone, lunches and basic toiletries/school uniform and a full set of clothes/underwear.

So basically OP I think the amount you are giving him seems fine, but it you either need to provide your ds with a full packed lunch every day or a bigger school lunch allowance.

I guess all the people you know who would make their 12 year old's lunch are either SAHMs or part time workers if they have the time or inclination to make a 12 year old a packed lunch every morning. Ha, yeah right. I work full-time and have a long commute and I do my teenager's packed lunches, (because I want to - inclination).

How come he can still "earn" £15 a week pocket money, yet only pay his broken-by-anger phone at such a low rate, Your priorities seem off to me.

How does he know which Adidas sweatshirt is last season? Who tells him? The average 12 year old boy wouldn’t know “this season” if it smacked him in the face. Where does he have to go out to at 12 to show off the latest Adidas?

We are their parents not their slaves.

There is a happy medium, @availableforlunch. I chose to have my dd; she didn’t ask to be born. Nor did your DS. Giving him too much pocket money and not enough money for food at 12 is cockeyed logic if ever I saw it.

His food money is not his “disposable income”, it’s for school lunches. The debt needs to be taken from his pocket money.

You are getting your priorities mixed up and therefore so is he. All you’re teaching him is confusion. Food and clothing is a basic human right; providing that until he is old enough to work does not make you a “slave”, it makes you a parent which YOU chose to be. A 12 year old can’t parent him or herself.

I think people are having differing opinions because you are both spoiling him with too much pocket money and being too mean with the basics like food and school shoes.

@Comefromaway
Does your 17 year old work? Have a Saturday job?

The suggested amount of pocket money for a 12 year old in care is £6-6.50 per week plus £10 per week if buying own clothes & £2.50 per week if buying toiletries, plus basic mobile phone, lunches and basic toiletries/school uniform and a full set of clothes/underwear.

Really? Please can you point me in the direction of these sites.

@Catloons
Exactly what I was thinking.

Magazines? tV? Instagram? I can think of lots of places you can see new sports collections advertised

Wow. Interesting responses.

My 13 and 12 yr olds get £3 a week. I put a tenner on their lunch account each half term. They make their own lunches (for those who asked, cheese string/babybel, treaty type snack, fruit, 12 yr old also takes crudites, sandwich, and a drink bottle).

I pay for their clothes - but neither are into brands. They don't see the point in paying double because someone has stitched a certain name onto it. We go to Primark in the summer and get a load of clothes for the year, plus anything needed for school or adhoc items when required.

I pay for their phones - it is about £15 a month basic smartphones. Did you have insurance on the phone that broke?

If they want extra money they save from feeding pats of neighbors while on holiday or birthday/Xmas money.

They haven't asked for anything extra and when my younger child asked for more they said she was spoilt and a brat!

On that basis, I would give about a tenner for a school trip - fully aware most would go on drinks and sweets!

When I asked, they say their friends get similar or less.

BlackCatsRock A couple of examples.
simplyfostering.co.uk/how-to-be-a-foster-carer/pocket-money/

walsallchildcare.proceduresonline.com/chapters/p_pock_mon_lac.html

Mine has no interest in Instagram. He reads Match of the Day magazine, so I guess he might see something in there, but more interested in the kits. I can't say I've seen a lot of sports clothing adverts of TV, but then I don't really pay attention! He does have an interest in the latest football boots, but would never expect to get those boots when they first come out.

Just because I don't MAKE the packed lunch, does not mean I'm not PROVIDING it. I provide plenty of food. But I expect him to make it, yep. And get ready to clutch your pearls he's been doing so since about Year 5.

Yours isn’t every 12 year old though blackrock

@SolitudeIsHighlyOverrated
Thank you

My son is obviously extremely hard done by!

He’s an absolute brat.

My 12 year old gets £20 a month. And no, I don’t give him extra on top. He’s managed to save £80 too and buys his own games etc. I don’t give him money for school fairs and spends on trips.

She works on Saturday mornings BlackCats, her rate of pay is pretty rubbish considering the type of job she has and the responsibility and unfortunately they don't have her every week (its a children's activity that closes during half terms etc so she does earn about £10 per week from that on the weeks she works. She's applying for other stuff in September, shop work but hasn't heard anything back yet.

Her college course is very intense though so I don't expect her to do too much. Her core hours are 9am - 6pm with few if any free periods and for example, today she is in until 9pm.

walsallchildcare.proceduresonline.com/chapters/p_pock_mon_lac.html#guide

The web page with the breakdown of clothing etc allowance (I think its Kent or Hampshire) appears to be infected with a virus at the moment.

@Passthecherrycoke
You're right, he's not. He is an example of all of the 12 year old boys that I know. I'm just saying that not all 12 year old boys are exposed to Instagram and the likes. Some are, and those are the ones that want all the latest stuff.

It's a vocational course that is quite physical plus 2 academic A levels so working much more at the weekend really isn't an option. (She often goes in at 8am to use the facilities too.

@Comefromaway
Saturday jobs are a nightmare, I remember working my socks off in Clarks and getting paid a pittance!

Thanks for the link

Its a school trip stop being so tight with him, and £5 a week for lunch is shocking. I think YABU

Last week she had sole care of a group of teens, some of whom were not that much younger than her, with the activity leader in the next roomand they just would not behanve for her!!. She often has charge of up to 6-8 younger children when the leader is in another room which I think is a lot for a 17 year old.

I'd have thought it was pretty simple, he earns his £15, so if he wants more he needs to earn it no? He does need to start learning about saving though, if he's got a regular income he should be putting half of it away

It does seem on here that some people think the height of good parenting is giving a child a set amount of money and telling them to get on with it. Some people also seem to think that the more you say “no”, the better parent you must be

I can’t tell you what to do OP so take no notice if you don’t want to, but here it is fwiw. I wouid get up a bit earlier to make him breakfast and a packed lunch (if indeed he’ll eat one). I would tell him that he’s going into an important phase at school and such things as eating reasonably well during the day are non-negotiable. If he ends up bringing most of the lunch home uneaten then you can re-think- tell him you tell him you’ll be giving him a fixed amount per day for lunch - not £1! This is NOT to be confused with his pocket money. It’s MUCH more important than that. Nor is it to spend on junk on the way home, but it’s to buy a sandwich at school, couple of drinks, snack, etc. Most kids would get about £4-£5 per day. This is basic stuff, not a “privilege” and it should never be restricted as any kind of punishment or payback measure.

He can have new trainers for his birthday or buy them with birthday money. You are willing to buy the odd item from JD Sports (or whatever) at your discretion. If he’s doing well at school and behaving at home, you might decide to treat him sometimes - eg a new jacket for winter of his choice, or a few “this season” t-shirts that he wouid consider better than your standard choices for summer.

I think if you see making sure he has a decent lunch as acting like a “servant” and think you can bung him £20 (or any amount) and that’s “job done”, you’re going to get into deep water as he gets older.

Keep communication open and show him you can be flexible on occasions. You don’t want a situation when he’s 16 and spending all his money on alcohol or worse, but you won’t know because he’s stopped talking to you because the answer is always “no,” He’s still only little. Prioritise his lunch to encourage him to do the same and don’t sweat the small stuff like £5 here or there.

Oh good, the let's be hard on kids brigade are out.

There's a distinct difference between being hard on a child and not giving them everything they want, just as there is a difference between abuse and neglect.

But I haven't seen anyone suggest that the OP either abuse or neglect their son. Just that supplying all of his wants might not be in his current or long term interests.

I grew up as a teen in this country, so yes, I know that kids like brand names. I grew up without having those brand names usually, and the pleasure of having new things, the 'pencil case on the first day of school effect'. But at 12, I also knew that for the most part kids were in the same boat. Parents not paying for everything. A few special items at birthdays or Christmas. New trainers only if they were needed.

The only kids who were fundamentally unpleasant about the whole thing were the ones given everything, lest God forbid, someone be considered 'hard' on them.

Personally, if he's the type of kid that smashes his phone deliberately, I'd be withdrawing my permission for him to go to a bloody chocolate factory and he can stay in school with the other kids who aren't going.