AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

When my DS is 12 if he wants Adidas trainers it's me who will go without something in order to get them. Because I'm the adult.

Not unreasonable for kids to own a pair of Adidas trainers but they range in price from £55 to £150+ in adult men's sizes. If you were on a limited income, you'd be bonkers not to limit child to 1 pair or a pair on the lower end of the scale. They are still growing at 12 so it's not like that pair will last ages if taken care of.

“Because I don't believe teenagers should get to dictate what they can demand I won't be able to cope.”

No, because you don’t seem to have the emotional intelligence to understand that bringing up teenagers isn’t black and white

It's been a while since I was that age 😳😳 but I know £5 wouldn't get much on a school trip...I would say to him he can have the £5 offered to him and if wanting more he can use this weeks pocket money or if he has had it can have a £10 advance..if he declined to spend his pocket money i would be telling him that's his choice and can have the £5 only!

If I wanted branded stuff when younger and let's be honest we all did as we wanted to 'fit in' then I had to have it for birthday and Christmas presents...during the year I had what my mum could afford, no argument! She couldn't afford much, so when I got my branded gear I really looked after it...any extras like makeup etc was out of my £3 pocket money. I then got a job at 14 to fund my 'treats' whilst mum covered necessities!

I get why you give him the pocket money as you want him to learn the value of money and that you have to save up or forgo things if wanting something a little more pricey. If that works for you then great...if not, maybe try the whole 'branded gear' for birthday and Xmas only and Reduce his weekly amount.

I think pocket money really has to be based on the household income. My husband was kitted our as a child in all the top stuff as and when he wanted as parent could afford it...He is a spoilt brat even now 🤣 so didn't do him good!
I was brought up in a much poorer house and I'm really good with money, worked since I was 14 and always has savings on the go.

If you talk to any other mums maybe ask them what they are giving child for school trip spends

And good for you making him pay for the damaged phone. My brother was a shit and broke so much stuff and never cared as he was bought it all and no reproductions...it doesn't do them good in the long run!!

If you buy his clothes etc then why does get pocket money?

@Passthecherrycoke how so?

Because I see nothing wrong with Next and other high street brands? Because I think it's pathetic to allow a teenager to demand that they can only wear the best labels when there is zero justification?

What will you do when your teenager is bullied for wearing Asda clothes?

I think I can guess, tell them stick and stones may break their bones but names will never hurt them or something equally unrealistic

@Passthecherrycoke no one has said that their teenager needs to wear Asda clothes and like it or lump it?!

Yes contraceptionismyfriend said don’t even bother with next you can get clothes just as good from Asda

And tbh, as a PP pointed out next is pretty uncool anyway

It's like a parallel universe on here. As a parent it is your responsibility to feed and clothe your child. That should not be coming out of his pocket money. You aren't teaching him to budget, you are teaching him to be miserable.

I have teenagers - we pay £15 each for dinner money (average hot meal is £2.50 here, wraps etc would be £1.60). Neither of us earn mega money but they are our children and they are our responsibility. We pay for phone top ups, clothes, shoes, uniforms, school trips, etc. They ask for cash for birthdays and Christmas. They save half of that into their bank accounts. They get a basic £10 a week for pocket money and if they need extra for trips to the cinema, bowling, etc then we give them extra.
I agree with some PPs that you are giving your son too much responsibility at too young an age. He wants to fit in with his friends. When mine went on school trips at that age it was normal for all the kids to bring treats to eat on the bus - they all usually brought a multi pack of something and shared them out amongst each other on the bus.

He's still a child - treat him like one instead of some free loading lodger in your house. Thankfully, it's illegal nowadays to send him up the chimneys!

If. My child were bullied for what they wear I would tell them not to take notice of such pathetic empty people and then deal with the bully.

Or are you just the type of person that raises a child to believe that all problems can be fixed by throwing money at it?
"Parenting"

Yes so you would be a shit parent to teenagers. That’s fine, but don’t profess you know better than people who actually do it

"We pay for phone top ups, clothes, shoes, uniforms, school trips, etc. "

And so do I? I pay for his phone contract, I pay for his clothes, his shoes, all uniforms, and school trips.

If he wants more expensive clothes than I will buy, he effectively has a £60 float each month to top this up. It's not like I'm saying he can only have £2 a top or £4 a jumper - he has a reasonable base budget to buy clothes. But anything over and above, he has £60 a month to play with and is expected to fund this himself. And YES that will sometimes lead him to have to make a decision between whether he wants to buy a bottle of fizzy drink from the shop with his pocket money or if he'd rather save his money towards a new man-bag he's got his eye on. That's life. We all have to make those decisions, and he's getting practised at it at a young age.

slow clap

Entitled children become entitled adults when they're not raised properly.

As a parent of two teenagers, Adidas/Nike stuff is pretty standard. Round here any child over 10 wearing supermarket stuff or even Next etc will stand out like a sore thumb, and probably get grief for it. Bizarrely, though, Primark which is cheap as chips is perfectly acceptable! Wearing the same/similar stuff to everyone else is very important at this age in terms of fitting in. They'll grow up and out of it and find their own style, but at the young teen age they just want the anonymity of blending in with everyone else. They have enough to deal with, without feeling like an outsider.

So yes, I buy (lower end) Nike/Adidas etc stuff for my teens as standard. The more expensive items they want are reserved for Christmas/birthday presents etc.

“You aren't teaching him to budget, you are teaching him to be miserable.”

Yes I have to agree with this, I’m afraid.

When did it become a competition on MN as to who can be the most grudging parent?

My parents were weird about money and the only “lesson” I’ve taken into adulthood is that I can’t stand stingy, money-obsessed people and I avoid them like the plague! Also that life is too short to sweat the small stuff like the price of a flaming sandwich, or this pair of shoes or that.

If you are the kind of parent who needs to be totally rigid in these matters, then you are teaching them to obsess about such matters as well. In other words, you run the risk of teaching them “the price if everything, but the value of nothing.”

What part of this is grudging or teaching him to be miserable?! Genuinely baffled by some of these replies.

availableforlunch Maybe he shouldn't have to get practised at it at a young age. He's 12 - he's barely out of primary school!

It’s not necessarily outright bullying if you’re in the “wrong” trainers, can be more a sort of judging (which readers of style and beauty) will be familiar with) and feeling that you don’t quite fit in with your group.
None of this was available to me as a young teenager so I don’t entirely understand it but I do try not to be a dinosaur with the dc.

I'm glad I don't live where some of you live! As I've said, the majority of my son's clothes/shoes come from Sports Direct, he also has a coat from Next, a t-shirt and pair of shorts from Primark and a hoodie from Matalan. Never has he said that someone has bullied him because of his clothes/shoes.

@BluntAndToThePoint so are people suggesting their children have endless money and get given what they want when they want?

What if your child's birthday is in December. February comes and they see some £120 trainers they really want. They have no money. Are people saying the child should either go without until their next birthday, or the parent stumps up the whole sum?

I don't believe in just handing out vast sums of money to spend like that "just because". Who is that good for?

My way, he can still have what he wants, if he wants it enough, and he's learning about saving at the same time.

@availableforlunch
What if your child's birthday is in December. February comes and they see some £120 trainers they really want. They have no money. Are people saying the child should either go without until their next birthday, or the parent stumps up the whole sum?

I'd say they should go without until they NEED new trainers (i.e. They go up a size) and in the meantime they can save towards them.

@BlackCatsRock, apart from the Next/Matalan stuff, that sounds like standard teenage wear round here. Adidas/Nike from Sports Direct, plus basics from Primark. A few more expensive items from places like JD Sports for Xmas/Birthday presents.

Supermarket brands and places like Matalan/Next/M&S etc are not cool. Its not about the price, its about how cool shops are perceived. So Primark/New Look, which are super cheap are fine, but M&S which is more expensive wouldn't be. It makes no sense, but they are teenagers, so they're not meant to be rational :)

Ditto with packed lunches. Pretty much not cool to sit and pull out your lunchbox and eat your sandwich/yogurt etc. Fine to grab a coke/mars bar /crisps on the way in, or eat food bought in the canteen.

@BlackCatsRock but save using what? The £3 per week pocket money other people have suggested?

YANBU, he’s being spoilt. Definitely stand your ground, let this be a lesson to him. He should have saved his pocket money for it.