AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

OP, can I ask, if he’s going to a birthday party, do you buy the gift and card, or does he?

Did you pay for the Cadbury World trip? If your son goes to the cinema with his friends does he pay for that out of his pocket money? Does he do any clubs? Do you pay for those or does he? If he's invited to a birthday party do you buy the present or does he?
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Yes, I pay for all school trips, that's part of school life. We haven't got to the stage of him wanting to go to the cinema yet but I expect to increase his pocket money when we get to that stage, and yes, he'll need to fund it.
Extracurricular clubs I pay for, as well as for equipment for those.
Birthday presents for friends I would buy (£10 in a card normally).*

To me, Next is a pretty fancy label! Why not get him stuff out of Asda, to show him how cheap clothes can be? I don’t see the logic. I also know I can buy Nike trainers from our local Nike outlet for no more than a pair from Next.

I'm with you, OP.

If he chooses, he can spend some of his pocket money on school lunches so in a way it doesn't matter what you docked the £5 from. If you had docked it from his pocket money he might have procured it from the lunch budget - offering to use that to buy his friends' lunches in exchange for their cash or something.

I'm assuming you paid for the trip itself, therefore he has to come up with the spending money - which is a luxury, not a right.

And in docking the lunch money, you have a) shown him where the money is lost from b) given him the option of honestly (ie from his pocket money) topping it up himself, and most of all c) taught him some independence and life skills in making him make his own packed lunch.

I think that's a parenting win, personally. And I assume he has the option of paying off the debt earlier by saving his money? You're teaching him to budget, if he's being sulky and resentful about it, it's not because he's spoilt, it's because he's 12. And it's absolutely fine to say 'I will buy you x for £y, and if you want more, you can pay for it.' I mean, what's the alternative, hand out expensive branded clothes left right and centre, because that's what he 'needs?' That's how you get a spoiled brat. I think £15 a lot but to each their own. I would assume for that, you are supplying the basics but you've given him the option of getting more/better if he chooses.

YANBU, he is. But he's 12, so he will be.

A 12 yr old making own lunch seems so harsh! Does that mean he only has a basic sandwich and crisps and chocolate bar each day? Or is he into making healthy varied packed lunches?????

The whole money thing seems so crazy and way too complicated . Surely if he hasn't any money saved up to use for the trip, and he smashed his phone up, he is not valuing anything atall and all pocket money and priviledges should have been stopped immediately . Next/ Gap are fine brands for kids who grow out of things quickly.

My kids have monthly pocket money which they mostly use to save for something they really want - huge lego kits, new pokemon game, expensive football boots etc.

how are they learning to budget
DD has a small amount that she needs to allocate sensibly. She learns budgeting but looking at what she needs, what she wants and spending appropriately.

What I’m not doing is teaching her to give up money allocated towards food to pay off a debt, whilst still splurging on designer clothes and Console games. What the hell kind of lesson is that to teach a child?

My mum used to give me a similar) but bigger) amount when I was taht age 13 years ago. She also used to give advances every week/buy us stuff we wanted ontop.

It did me absolutely no favours what so ever. I'm learning the very hard way how to be responsible as I was always taught to spend what I want. It's taken a long time to even start getting past this HWBU.. Make him budget an dlearn that sometimes you just can't have it. I'd also take the phone money out of pocket money but as long as he has access to packed lunches it's really not an issue, he preferred that compromise I assume and its good for him to learn that process.

Overall, you are giving him £20 a week to pay for school lunches, designer clothes, spending money for school trips, sweets, fripperies, junk, xbox stuff etc. It's not enough. Most parents give a similar amount for school lunches alone. It might be reasonable for him to have to pay his school trip spending money if he had £15 a week pure pocket money, but he doesn't because he has to use that "pocket money" to sub the things that parents would normally pay for like a daily school lunch and shoes and clothes.

My children at 12 got £20 per month pocket money, but everything else was paid for by us - daily hot school meal, spending money for trips, all clothes, toiletries etc, birthday presents for parties etc. I'd probably have given £10 spending money for a school trip at that age.

Harsh for a 12 year old to make lunch?! Why?! At what point will you start to teach your children to take some initiative and independence?

We are their parents not their slaves.

Give him a lunch budget. Give him a clothes budget and go through what he needs to buy with it. Then give him a smaller amount of pocket money. You can teach financial responsibility without expecting him to take adult decisions all the time.

A 12 yr old making own lunch seems so harsh!

Oh come on, really? DD has put her own packed lunch together since she was 8. I physically make the sandwich as her disability means she struggles with that, but she is more than capable of packing a lunch. I am amazed at what people think it is unfair for capable children to do.

That's exactly what OP ha done @Gamble66
Her DS is just not happy with the budget.

Most parents give a similar amount for school lunches alone.

You have statistics on this? I’d be interested to see them.

I would have thought a large number of parents might struggle to hand their kid 80 quid a month, and more so parents of more than one school age child.

Being a parent means nurturing and understanding thier stages of development and abilities - not allowing them to wallow and struggle because you are not thier slave.
Making your own packed lunch every day at 12 unless as you a mother are a single parent working very long hours is actually quite harsh and an way to let him fall into eating junk as an easy option. Bloody hell you see loads of threads on here with grown ups asking how to make better lunch boxes and for recipies. I struggle to make different and tasty pack ups.
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A 12 yr old making own lunch seems so harsh!

I think it's perfectly reasonable.

Also OP, am totally with you on the £5 for the Cadbury trip. He's acting like a brat.

@availableforlunch
Thanks for answering my questions. So he uses his pocket money to 'top up' his clothes and shoes and to pay for things on the X-Box. Currently, you pay for everything else. What about his mobile phone?

My 12 year old gets £10 a month pocket money plus £5 a week to spend on food at school. He is big into football but has to wait until his birthday/Christmas to get a new kit. I buy him his clothes/shoes and he is happy to have things from Sports Direct. I'm pleased to say that he has no interest in whether they are last season or not! I find it sad that your son feels last season isn't good enough.

Also, how many clothes/shoes do 12 year old boys really need?? My son wears a uniform to school, which I pay for. He has 4 pairs of shorts (he lives in shorts all year round!) and 6 or 7 t-shirts. Plus a pair of trainers and a pair of Astros.

Regarding the trip, I'd offer to advance him his pocket money.

What does DS make for his lunch each day?

No she hands out £15 a week and expects him to budget for everything out of that. Clothes should be separate not part of a 12 year olds pocket money. An actual ring fenced budget they discuss and if he wants s designer item then find but it reduces the budget for other items.

I don't think there's a problem with a 12 year old making a packed lunch, but, I do think only £5 a week towards lunches is really, really tight, and unreasonable unless you are really strapped for cash. I think children on FSM get around £2.80 a day, £14 a week, so I would think that would be the minimum starting point. Personally I would be giving £20 or so per week for school meals alone. Most of his friends will probably have something in the region of £15-£25 a week lunch money.

what do 12 year old kids make for their lunches each day?

@Gamble66
I really like the idea of setting a clothing/shoe (excluding school uniform) budget. So I could say to my son he gets £100 (just a random amount!) every 3 months to buy his clothes and shoes and if he wants anything over that amount he'll have to save up or wait until the next period. I think I might give that a go!

I have a 12 year old and older teens. With the 12 year old I say "you can have 2 pairs of H&M shorts or 1 pair of Adidas. " and make him choose which is better. Obviously if he goes for the 1 pair then he has to wear it alongside his old shorts and make sure he puts it in the wash more frequently (rather than leave it on his bedroom floor) He likes Adidas/Nike too but doesn't expect it regularly,

I do the "I am happy to pay £x but you need to top up if you want a pricier version" thing with my older teens who have part-time jobs. They have a much better understanding of the effort needed to earn money. You are paying for the designer version with your current system as his money is from you.

All of my kids generally ask for cash for birthdays and Xmas so they use that to buy £100 trainers or whatever then.

FWIW I think that £40 on school shoes is pretty mean. £45 for a basic pair here and the 12 year old obviously hasn't stopped growing shoe-wise. If your 12 year old is in men's sizes then you might need to raise the amount of money for "basics" - no VAT on kids clothes and trainers jump up in price when you get to higher sizes.

With regards to the trip offer an advance on next week's money or he needs to suck it up. He'll get plenty of chocolate for a fiver and I bet he'd get more for his money in shops like B&M anyway.

@blackcatsrock - I find it helps to ring fence money at that age.
£5 a week on snacks and lunch for a 12 year old is unrealistic imo - I know some households cannt afford it but in most that really is meager

@Gamble66
Sorry, I should've said that the £5 I give him is on top of his free school meals.

Oh good, th let's be hard on kids brigade are out. Has someone suggested a good punishment to give him?

He's twelve. I'd give him the money. He's buying all his games and upgrading clothes on his pocket money and has to work for it.

I can't believe someone actually called him a spoiled brat.

Some right nasty folks on here sometimes.