AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

I wouldn't give him any more money but I would maybe help him come up with a money-making idea. For example, if I was your neighbour, I would happily give him a fiver to clean my car.

I would also help him to save some money each week (eg. into a bank account) so he can budget better in the future.

@Gamble66 No she tells him he has £40 of HER money to spend on a pair of shoes he likes. If he then decides he wants something more expensive he has to make the difference.

She already tell him what the money available for clothes is. He wants designer labels out of that budget.

I think a lot of people assumed that designer clothing was on the lines of North Face, Calvin Klein, Tommy Hilfiger etc rather than Adidas and Nike. You accept that most kids wear Adidas and Nike so I think you need to raise the amount spent per item but have fewer clothes.
You mention Next in your post- do you use it as a benchmark for prices? Nobody his age will be wearing Next (bar uniform). ASOS, Primark, Boohoo etc will be where his peers will be buying reasonably priced basics.

He wants to spend £20 on sweets and chocolate?

"He's twelve. I'd give him the money. He's buying all his games and upgrading clothes on his pocket money and has to work for it."

You''d seriously give a 12 year old £15 to spend on chocolate, after them saying they already want to spend £5 on sweets/chocolate "for the journey" ?
You'd be OK with a 12 year old spending £20 on chocolate in one day??

Buy, read & implement the e-book ‘the Barefoot Investor for Families’ by Scott Pape. Your kid is the perfect age for it. You set up the right thinking about money at that age, it serves him his whole life. So far it seems a bit random on your part (and his dad’s part).

Since financial planning (ahead) is the main game, he needs the firm news that he’ll be expected to fund these things himself, weeks ahead. If your ‘magic money’ keeps appearing, how is to learn it isn’t ‘magic’ in the real world?

By the way, giving kids money doesn’t mean parents don’t get veto rights over what they spend it on...

Honestly pocket money shouldn't be for clothes. Ever. You had him so you should clothe him. And in the UK we have children knowing that they will want brand names. When my DS is 12 if he wants Adidas trainers it's me who will go without something in order to get them. Because I'm the adult.

I also think you should give him money for the trip.

This whole situation is bonkers to me. My kids will get minimum pocket money for small treats or go to out with friends etc. Not for clothes, food and school trips.

My older two are 14 and 11. They get 20 euro per month; 10 of that goes straight into their (current, not savings) bank accounts. The older one gets an additional 10 euro a week to buy food as he goes to extra-curriculars from school without a break usually (long 'morning' school only, no proper lunch break) and ds2's school set-up doesn't necessitate that - we pay for his school lunches. We pay for clothes, (fairly basic) phones and give them money for school trips etc. What tends to happen is that they're quickly spent up cash-wise, but the money in their accounts accumulates for a while and then they use it on something bigger they've been wanting, to which we contribute if it's educational (e.g. 11yo has just bought a fancyish lens for his camera - we helped with that but he virtually emptied his account). If either of them were desperate for designer clothes they would be paying for the extra cost themselves - I'm happy to pay for modest mid-market brands.

I don't think an 'allowance' system makes a lot of sense at 12. I'd say it comes into its own later on, when they are moving round independently a lot more. The point of allowances is (IMO) to ease them realistically into the time when they'll be living away from home and budgeting entirely for themselves. I don't think that can really work at 12 yet.

OP you made a mistake by calling the £10/£5 pw "lunch money" - it's not lunch money, it's a "buffer for when he can't be arsed to make a packed lunch" money. I assume if he made himself a packed lunch each day you wouldn't be asking for that allowance back? Also assuming he doesn't have to buy packed lunch ingredients himself (because that would be weird).

YANBU.

And in the UK we have children knowing that they will want brand names

In the UK SOME parents can't be arsed to teach their children the value of quality and to appreciate money. As a result they drag up entitled brats that feel they can turn their noses up at the clothes their parents work hard to purchase and demand labels which are sometimes a poorer quality.

For a school trip i'd have given him £10. £5 really doesn't go far in an overpriced tat shop. I'm surprised the school let them take any money at all tbh.

£5 a week for lunches isnt much at all, a wrap is £1.70 - most teenage boys will eat a lot more than a wrap for lunch. I think you should pay for his lunches and reduce the pocket money.

OP - what does he actually make himself for lunch every day? Do you know? Do you check?

You say a wrap sandwich alone is £1.70 at his school. So essentially, if he leave with no packed lunch, all he can eat is 2.5 wrap sandwiches in a week?!

Sorry but this is beyond ridiculous.

Most 12 year old boys wouid not bother making the packed lunch; not but the wrap either, but just spend the money in cans if coke and crisps every day in the way home.

You need to have a far more active role here, in my opinion.

Do you buy particular things in that he can use to make his lunch every day? How does it work?

£5 for a trip to Cadbury world seems fine to me, it's for chocolate!

I think he is getting more than enough, I did similar with my DC ( a good few years ago now) once they hit 13 they got a monthly allowance for luxuries (your Ds is effectively getting £60 allowance which is plenty).

I bought their clothing but if they wanted something fancy and essentially unnecessary (because there is a perfectly good alternative that isn't branded) then they have to pay - it's a good lesson that if you want luxuries you have to save or compromise.

I had one child who spent his money the minute it hit his pocket - so had nothing for the rest of the month and was constantly asking for next month advances (which he didn't get) until he really wanted something then he learned to save allowance, christmas and birthday money until he could afford it - and he valued the item much more because he had saved and waited.

My DD spent very little - she got her books and sheet music from the library, she bought clothes from charity shops - she enjoyed looking for cheap ways to make her money go further, and she's not very materialistic even now she is an adult.

All you can do is say - here are the rules - how you make use of the money is your choice, but don't beg for extras because you know the way it works. You can't beg for next months salary once you work because you;ve over spent.
It is much kinder in the long run to teach your children to think ahead. And 12 is quite old enough to do that. This child could have had £60 to spend at Cadbury World if he had just prioritised that over other spending - but he didn't.

Ps my DD's get £60 a month and that includes to buy clothes, if they want more they work (one sings semi pro the other is gardening at the moment for a neighbour, they are older)

Are the sweets at Cadbury's World the same as the stuff available at the supermarket? I don't see why he needs £20 when a fiver would buy a big bar of chocolate.

@availableforlunch that's exactly what I do with my daughter.
I'll allocate the amount for a generic, average quality, pair of shoes for example, if she wants designer label then she pays the difference.

I phrase it always as is it a want or a need? Generally, needs are covered, wants are contributed towards

@Contraceptionismyfriend do you have teenagers?

Everything in Cadbury's World is half price and there’s deals on chocolate so he won’t need more than £5

When my DS is 12 if he wants Adidas trainers it's me who will go without something in order to get them. Because I'm the adult.

That's just barmy. If you need to go without to buy labelled clothing, you can't bloody afford it and should teach your child you can't always have what you want.

@Passthecherrycoke no but I'm the unfortunate person who usually had to work with the newly turned 18 - 20 year olds who can't function because mummy and daddy never going prepared them.

Good, because I don’t think you’d be able to cope with them

I think you are very generous considering I think I am.
13yo Dd gets 45€/month. For all clothes, sports clothes, presents etc. Also likes designer stuff so saves up. By she has a bank card and it her allowance goes in the bank. She does her accounts religiously and never spends without checking.

She gets less than DD14 because she could have all her hand-me-downs but chooses not to

DD14 gets 70/month.

Neither ask for more ever. Eldest does treat the other 3 kids quite a bit.

Could you not put it in the bank or on a card, which lives in your wallet,!so that it's not burning a hole in his pocket and get him to do accounts. It's so important.

Get a grip. Because I don't believe teenagers should get to dictate what they can demand I won't be able to cope. Wow. Mumsnet really does help me understand how these work shy spoilt kids happened.

Oh and we've done this since they were 10. So it's not too young at all.