AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

I'd say he's BU. How about he has an advance on next weeks pocket money to take on the trip? And then stand firm that he's not getting any more next week.

The Cadbury's shop is awesome, they have seconds that are really cheap so he'll be able to stuff his face on that.

Missing the point completely but is Adidas designer now?! 😬

So for those who give a couple of quid pocket money this week but then freely dole out money when your child wants to do things with their friends, how are they learning to budget? That's what this is about really, yes he gets more but on balance it's probably the same, except this way DS is learning about what things cost and having to make prioritising decisions.

People either seem to think I'm totally spoiling him or that I'm terribly mean!

@Guff no I wouldn't call Adidas designer at all, I worded it clumsily but meant "brand name" I suppose - i.e. more expensive than Next/Clark's etc. that we dress them in when they're younger.

How about instead of giving him "extra" £15. You give next week's allowance in advance so next week he doesn't get anything? Then explain to him that this is one time only thing and next time he had to save earlier.

I know he get quite a lot of pocket money and he is already 12, but he is still learning. As adults we sometimes use credit cards and pay it after next months pay.

He's not learning to budget. He's 12. I'll worry about it when he's 14.
Actually he is budgeting in a small way - fifa points this week or buy nothing for a couple of weeks and get some fortnite add-on.
I'm not worried about financial management before he reaches puberty.

We got £5 a week til we were 16... but we both had paper rounds and when 15 I got a Saturday job. If I wanted anything I had to save for it from my pocket money or ask for money from Christmas and birthdays.
I was given money for school lunches (I generally spent the minimum on that and spent the lunch money on things I wasn't meant to be buying.)
If we wanted to go to the cinema or swimming with friends we would be expected to pay from our pocket money - we didn't ask for any more money as I knew there wasn't any more money.
I'm not sure how I'll do it when my children are of an age where they have any understanding of money as we are lucky to be able to give them whatever they want really... it's such a balance. Don't beat yourself up OP, we all do our best in raising these little people. 12 year olds are never going to be great with budgeting, they're children - he'll learn.

Personally I think you have it all wrong. I don't think any kid that age should be made save money for expensive clothes. At that age there is no way I'd have saved that money. I'd give him 30 a month pocket money and keep the rest towards his designer clothes myself.

As for the lunch money, silly you punished him by docking his lunch money and not his pocket money. He should have had his chores increased and his money decreased for smashing something in temper.

As for the trip I would give him money but take it out of his future clothing allowance.

I've never gotten pocket money. Yet, I've learned to budget. Mum always bought my clothes and then came me money when I needed it for something. I can understand learning to save etc. through allowance, but it's not necessary. I learned budgeting through observance and talking. I knew the value of money ever since I was little.

“I don't think he is being spoilt actually. £15 is not a lot if you expect him to top up for his shoes, clothes and his lunches etc as well. Won't go far at all. He's 12. You've gone too far the other way and given him too much financial responsibility for his age.”

I agree with this. I think he’s been put in a weird position where he has quite a lot of pocket money but is being expected to fund too much out of it. As you say yourself, if he wants his shoes he has to save it in it entirety for a month. That’s a month without spending on anything else. That’s not easy.

OP, I think the way you’re doing it won’t teach him to budget because it doesn’t really make sense. It’s like being arbitrary for the sake of arbitrary. The only thing he’ll be getting out if this is confusion.

First of all, Adidas can be picked up very cheaply anyway and it doesn’t always follow that shorts from Next will be cheaper. This will make no sense to a 12 year-old anyway because he won’t want to wear stuff he wore when he was 7. So your rationale of “this is what I deem a reasonable price for shorts” will be meaningless.

Secondly, I think restricting his lunch money sends out completely the wrong message re priorities. If you want him to take a packed lunch, I think you still need to be ensuring he takes one at that age, even making it for him if this is what it takes.

You’d be better off buying him the clothes he needs - realistically - even if you buy less stuff. All these arbitrary notions of “school shoes should cost £40” - really? Does it really matter if they’re £40 or £60 as long as they fit him well, he’s happy and he’ll get good wear out if them? I just think you’re creating issues that don’t need to exist tbh.

He’s unreasonable. You are giving him a generous amount of money and he seems to want more and more. He needs to learn money won’t always be forthcoming on demand. E.g. this month has been very expensive for me, my boss doesn’t care about this and won’t be giving me extra / advanced salary. So lm carefully budgeting until the end of the month

Initially I was going to say he needs to use his pocket money for souvenirs etc but there is a very strange dynamic going on here.

Consequences such as paying back phone debt should come out of his pocket money. £5 pw is nowhere near enough for lunches; if money is that tight then give him less pocket money and more lunch money. I was still making dds lunches at 12.

He has to have school shoes, that’s not optional. Again, I paid for those, for school uniform, everything not optional, because I’m a parent and was getting child benefit. Even when DD’s orthotics only fitted in DMs I paid for them. Obviously we had a limit on the cost of coats and bags and she never complained about that.

When dd wanted to splash out in Hollister or get a new going out outfit she had to use pocket money or birthday money/gift cards.

At 12 your ds op is young to be worrying about accounting and he can’t get a job so it’s your job to feed and clothe him.

I really think you have your priorities a bit skewed. Why not give him less pocket money (from which he has to pay his debts), more food money and pay a bit more for necessities? It sounds like you want him to grow up a bit too quickly.

And school trips usually mean at least £10 for souvenirs.

I agree give him an advance on the pocket money for the trip and maybe £5 next 2 week pocket money.
I give my dd 14 £20 a month and then pay for one off things. I think she does learn to budget somewhat on day to day spending plus it prevents arguments like this. I wouldn't want her to be left out on a trip or special outing with friends but I don't mind telling her she will have to save up for an expensive hair product or whatever.

I agree with one of the posters above, just give him an advance on next week's pocket money.

If he has to buy his own clothes, and top up lunch money (as well as pay for what 'pocket money' is usually for (his X-Box, say) then £15 isn't a lot at all.

Clothing and feeding a 12 year old is the parents' responsibility. We got round the clothes thing by me setting a budget for the item my daughters needed, and if they wanted something more expensive, they paid the difference from pocket money. Not the whole cost.

He doesn't need sweet for the trip they give you about 3 chocolate bars as you go around I think. There are some cheaper items in the shop but it's easy to spend a lot in there! He should save his £5 for that!

£15 to buy his own clothes, top up his lunch money and for other incidentals is not very much at all.

I know you said he doesn't have to buy his own clothes, but if he wants branded clothes then he has to pay the difference but you also said that the majority of his friends wear branded clothes. I think you're being unfair to him. Buy him the branded clothes.

Sara - the OP has explained that the DS pays the difference.

But I’d like to know how this actually works in practice. If you’re shopping for school shoes in Clark’s, for instance, you might pick up 3 or 4 styles of boys black school shoes, but we all know they probably only have one if them in your chold’s size. So if all they have are shoes for £60 and not the £40 that mum has deemed appropriate, what do you do? Is it fair to sit there telling your DS he will have to pay the extra £20?

@Catloons I don't know how I missed that post! Apologies to all.

I don't think you're bu. My 12yo wants branded sportswear but doesn't take care of things, maybe if he contributed to the cost he might value them more. My only question would be whether £40 is enough for a basic pair of school shoes.
I'd consider introducing some of your ideas but my DS isn't mature enough to cope just yet I don't think

Posted too soon.

Most 12 years old wear Nike and Adidas rather than Next etc.

Reduce his pocket money, buy him branded clothes and give him more lunch money.
His pocket money should be for incidentals and for going out with friends not for necessities such as clothes and shoes.

Oh...and shoes didn't come into the eqaution. I wanted my kids to have good, well fitting shoes, so that was on me.

It was the more leisure wear, branded stuff that seemed an unecessary extra expense (we didn't have a lot of money) that I wanted them to take responsibility for. I wanted them to grow up with a sensible attitude to things being marketed at them purely for a name or logo. I reckoned that them having to pay that difference would help them at least think about it. Sometimmes they paid the extra, and sometimes they decided it wasn't worth it. They're now adults and that seems to have worked. They have a good attitude to money and possessions.

@Catloons yeah no one seems to be reading the bit about him paying the extra is he wants branded / designed clothing

No child has to wear branded clothes. For all we know OP might have to carefully budget or might be very anti branded clothing. Plus what kind of argument is everyone else has it so OP son should?! Are we all 12 as well?

The irony in your last post that how do they learn to budget. Your Ds isn’t if he has no spare money for a trip or is it he doesn’t want to spend his money on that ?

I think you need to reassess, I understand wanting to put responsibility on him but he's not learning the value of what he has. I think you need a new approach as you're at risk of him growing up entitled.