AIBU or is DS?

[availableforlunch]

DS is 12. He gets what I think is a lot of pocket money - £15 per week. This is because he likes to spend money on expensive clothes and the Xbox, so this way I put the responsibility for buying those things on him, and he should supposedly learn to budget accordingly.

He also gets £5 a week on his lunch account at school, and his phone contract paid (not an expensive phone).

They're going to Cadbury's World with school this week. He's asked for £15 extra to take for spending money. I have said no, he can have £5. He is having a strop saying that £5 won't be enough to buy anything there, and he's going to spend the £5 on sweets for the journey. I've said if that's the case he is having nothing. He should have saved some pocket money from last week if he wanted to take a lot of money on the trip.

Who is being unreasonable here? I think he's being spoilt, he thinks I'm mean.

@availableforlunch - I agree with the posters who suggest offering him an advance on next week's pocket money - on the very clear understanding that this will mean no pocket money the following week (or only half the pocket money for two weeks).

I would have given him extra for the trip - £15 really doesn’t go very far these days especially if he is funding his clothes out of it.

I could never get my DS school shoes for £40 as he’s a very wide fitting and high instep so we had to go to specialist shops. Between the ages of 12 and 16 he had grown from being about the same height as me (5 ft 7) to 6 ft 6! He had stretch marks in his legs he grew so rapidly. He’s a size 13-14 extra wide shoe so has to go to special shops. He’s going to need a few suits for 6th form next year and god knows where we’ll find those for a reasonable price because he’s a 38 inch inside leg and most shops only do up to 34 length trousers. Also jackets come up too short on his arms.
There’s no way he could fund all this out if pocket money. He works really hard at school and I think it’s the least I can do to get him good quality shoes that he likes and is comfortable in - he has to wear them everyday and it’s not optional! Kids are growing so fast at that age and £5 per week for top up snacks is not enough. They need fuel (and drinks) to concentrate and do their best, so you either need to send him in with enough food or give him money to buy it.

£15 a week at age 12! Has to buy his own clothes?! I buy my 13 year old sons clothes. No pocket money but he would have money given to him when out with friends and on a school trip.

HE DOESNT HAVE TO BUY HIS OWN CLOTHES!!

RTFT people 🤣

YANBU OP. I'm assuming he knew this was coming. He chose not to prepare. To bad so sad.

Also I think the clothes idea is brilliant.
And the lunch money. Heaven forbid a pre teen be expected to make a sandwich!!!!

And then we wonder what there are so many people women on here bitching about useless men.

No, he's being fussy, £5 is fine

This is so bizarre in so many ways. A 12 year old getting £60 a month pocket money is insane. A 12 year old having some sort of entitlement to designer clothes and console games is insane. A 12 year old caring about designer labels is very sad and shouldn't be encouraged. A debt being taken from school dinner money instead of this luxury pocket money is such an odd choice. My 12 year old gets new games for birthday and Christmas only and doesn't get any pocket money.

He’s not into “designer labels” user, just maybe the odd Adidas item or whatever they wear.

HE DOESNT HAVE TO BUY HIS OWN CLOTHES!!

But if he wants decent branded clothes that the majority of 12 year olds wear then he has to pay the difference between a high street brand and Nike. That's not fair!

He is 12 years old. He has to contribute towards his clothes, make his own packed lunch (or contribute towards a school lunch), budget £15 for clothes and incidentals and use it for school trip spending money. You're expecting him to do a lot with £15.

He is still a CHILD yet he has a lot of responsibility on his young shoulders.

£60 pocket money a month is nuts

My 11 year old gets £11 per month

HE DOESNT HAVE TO BUY HIS OWN CLOTHES!!

Yes he does. If a pair of shoes costs more than some arbitrary amount you decide, it has to come out of his pocket money. No child should be paying out of pocket money for essential clothes like school shoes.

Oh dear god, he doesn't have to buy his own clothes! I give him a set amount towards what they would cost from, for example, Next. If he wants Nike, Adidas etc then he needs to pay the difference in price. Those saying it's ridiculous that he wants name brand clothes cannot know many 12 year old boys - that's what the majority of them wear and want.

I'll happily spend £15 on a pair of shorts but if he wants a £25 pair because they've got an Adidas logo, he needs to stump up the £10.

i.e. he is paying for his own school clothes. School/other necessary clothes should come out of the household budget. So if he needs new shorts, you should be buying them whether it be the £15 pair or the £25 Adidas pair (indeed as you’d be paying you’d be able to choose the £15 pair and maybe knock the designer gear fetish out of his head).

Only if he wants superfluous clothes (i.e. the £25 Adidas pair of shorts when you’ve already bought him a £15 pair) should he have to buy them himself.

Your financial workings with him are arbitrary and irrational.

But if he wants decent branded clothes that the majority of 12 year olds wear then he has to pay the difference between a high street brand and Nike. That's not fair!

Can you articulate why this "isn't fair"?

He is 12 years old. He has to contribute towards his clothes, make his own packed lunch (or contribute towards a school lunch), budget £15 for clothes and incidentals and use it for school trip spending money. You're expecting him to do a lot with £15.

Why should a 12 year old not make a packed lunch?
I haven't said I wouldn't give him anything for the school trip. I offered £5, and he can top it up.

This has really been an opinion-splitting thread with some thinking I'm raising a spoiled brat and others thinking he's living like Oliver Twist 😂

I wouldn’t give him more than £5 for the trip BUT i do think it’s odd you’ve docked his lunch money and not his pocket money.

FWIW ds is 12 and doesn’t get pocket money - we pay for his phone and if he wants to go out with friends etc (although tbh it’s usually to play football which isn’t expensive). If he wants to buy stuff for his PS4 or whatever then he needs to use his birthday or Christmas money - he budgets that. It works well for us but tbh I’d buy him the ‘trendy’ clothes because I remember my mum wouldn’t and I hated it.

I think you are managing money all wrong.

As a parent, you should be paying, in full, for lunches, school trips and associated spending money, school equipment, clothing etc.

At 12 he should have £5 a week or so for sweets and vbucks or whatever.

Big ticket items such as designer clothes, expensive games etc should be Birthday/Christmas presents.

You are giving him far too little money to cover the basics (food, clothes) and far too much to squander.

I think you are being totally reasonable with everything - the £5 offered spend at Cadbury's world, how you deal with pocket money/lunch money etc. The only thing I would deal with differently is how he has to "top-up" the money to buy clothes he prefers. Yes, you could buy a hoodie for £15 for next for a 9yr old or a 12yr old, but you have to be realistic now and accept your 12 year old isn't going to want to wear the same sort of clothes he wore at 9yrs old, even though NEXT stock it in his size etc. I think you have to go closer/meet him halfway a bit more and accept that for a pre-teen, clothes are a big thing, and it's one of the cost of teenagers, much like pricey childcare is the cost of pre-schoolers. It's not fair on him to expect him to wear the same style of clothes he wore a few years ago really

He's 12 you are treating him like he's 18 - you are expecting him to have adult cognitive function and make adult choices. It's fine developing fiscal responsibility but fuck me you sound like a pain in the ass as a parent. You have given him an emotional burden and are creating conflict that is uncessarry at 12.

Why the hell should a 12 year old be entitled to Nike, Adidas etc?
The quality is no better than Next etc
If he wants it he can earn it.

He's acting spoilt because he is spoilt.

My allowance when I was 16 was £20 a month. I'd usually buy a CD for a £5, some make up for £5, and maybe a new top or skirt from the sale rail. My friends would be in more or less the same position money wise, except for what they could top up with jobs.

My parents would buy me some new clothes in summer, and a new coat/jumpers in winter. And there'd be birthday or Christmas money, and occasional other top ups.

Just because this generation of parents seems to have decided to collectively resign themselves to the idea that kid's demands for designer or branded clothes should be caved to doesn't mean that those expectations are reasonable or normal.

I’ve never given my DS pocket money or any fixed amounts for this or that and I don’t think it’s made any difference whatsoever. If he’s going out for lunch with friends (like today to celebrate the end of GCSEs), I’ll just give him what I think he’ll need. If they’re going to the cinema, I’ll give him the money.

He’s never asked for branded clothing as he’s not bothered. We went into Covent Garden the other day and there was a sale on in Diesel. I wanted to maybe treat him to something for his hard work, but he said “no it’s ok, I’ll have a look on the sale rack in Urban Outfitters.” He refused to let me pay £6 to buy a smoothie in Joe and the Juice because he said he thinks it’s “ridiculous.” This is a child who never had money restricted to him I’m any way. They are what they are.

My younger daughter is the same as DS, but the middle one is into “stuff” - make up, etc - and she’ll spend whatever you give her, so I do have to have conversations with her about the value of money. Nevertheless, I understand that she’s 14 and she’ll get it eventually.

Oh, and unless money is really tight, I would expect him to be denied basic Nike/Adidas clothing/trainers. Its what pretty much all teens wear, funded by their parents. Unless you are really on the breadline (which since he has £15 a week pocket money I assume you are not) then you wouldn't expect a 12 year old to wear supermarket clothes still, surely? Nike/Adidas stuff in Sports Direct is not really expensive or high end.

@mrsm43s
You beat me to it! I was just about to say I get the majority of my 12 year old son's clothes/shoes from Sports Direct.

@availableforlunch
Did you pay for the Cadbury World trip? If your son goes to the cinema with his friends does he pay for that out of his pocket money? Does he do any clubs? Do you pay for those or does he? If he's invited to a birthday party do you buy the present or does he?

@mrsm43s he doesn't want the old season stuff from Sports Direct. He wants the current season stuff from JD sports.

The price of Sports Direct clothing is on par with Next, i.e. I am happy to spend that much as my "base". If he wants more expensive stuff, he pays the difference.

It's really not that hard for him to understand.