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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and work issue

243 replies

ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:33

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 17/06/2019 19:49

Do you want him to be a SAHD or is this something he has chosen to do?

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:51

It's mainly him choosing to be a SAHD. It makes financial sense though as he's not got useful qualifications/experience (nobody wants the kind of work he's been doing for the last 20 years anymore).

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:53

That should have been "Skyping them when DH is out because he moans"

OP posts:
CroissantwithCheese · 17/06/2019 19:53

Does he have to come to London? I’d leave him at home if the grandparents were up for looking after DS.

Calic0 · 17/06/2019 19:53

Is he being unsupportive though? He’s willing and able to facilitate you spending the week in London. But while you’re at work he’ll be spending 24/7 with in-laws which doesn’t sound ideal for him.

I’d go to London, enjoy meeting your new team and have some quality time with your parents in the evening and let him stay at home and take care of the house and DS.

cansu · 17/06/2019 19:55

Say that you want to see your parents and it is a good opportunity for them to spend time with your dc. Could you go without him for a few days? Stop tiptoeing round him. Speak to them openly on the phone. Invite them for a weekend. The more you let him have his own way the more he will take the piss.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 17/06/2019 19:55

From what you’ve written it does sound like he’s been self centred.

Loopytiles · 17/06/2019 19:56

Him being a SAHD doesn’t make sense if you don’t want to be sole earner and for him to be primary carer.

doodleygirl · 17/06/2019 19:56

I would be very careful with him being a SAHD X

Flutra · 17/06/2019 19:57

I wouldn't want to do what you're suggesting. I think yabu to expect it of your dh.

Frenchmom · 17/06/2019 19:57

Could you go for the week, and he comes down for the weekend before you come back?

museumum · 17/06/2019 19:59

I love my in laws but would not want to stay with them for a week while my spouse worked. No way.

I think you should offer to do 2 days or so in London staying with your parents and let dh and dc stay at home.

comeongeorge · 17/06/2019 19:59

I think yabu.

Amummyatlast · 17/06/2019 20:00

I don’t see why him not wanting to trek to London and stay with your parents is unsupportive. He’s happy to look after DS at home, so why do they need to go to London?

BazaarMum · 17/06/2019 20:00

Your milk supply will probably be affected after a full week, even if you express as regularly as you can. It’s very hard to tell if I’ll re-establish when you get back to baby. If you want to carry on BF this alone would be a deal breaker for me.

You are in your rights to be angry with DH in my view. Baby is still very young and BF. I’d just give him the week ‘off’ and take the baby to your parents. If he wants to be in charge of childcare surely he plan activities for the five days you’ll be working. He sounds like a bit of a tool if I’m honest.

Procrastinatingpeacock · 17/06/2019 20:00

I'm a SAHM and can think of little I'd enjoy less than living with my in laws for a week whilst DH went out to work every day!

Having said that I can see why you would not want to leave 1 year old DS for a working week as soon as you finish maternity leave.

How far are you from London? Can you compromise by spending the first half of the week there then coming home so you're not away from DS for so long? Could you find an Airbnb for the week where DH and DS can join you? I understand you might not want that expense when your parents have plenty of room, but I don't think it's fair to expect your DH to live with them for a week if he doesn't get on with them.

adaline · 17/06/2019 20:02

I wouldn't want to stay at my inlaws for a week - especially not on my own! Can he stay home and you go with DS?

newmomof1 · 17/06/2019 20:04

I think YABU. Would you happily spend a full week with his parents while he was off doing his own thing? I can understand why he doesn't want to.

Although I understand your frustration with the expressing thing - it's not exactly easy to express a full weeks worth of milk. The men never seem to understand that 🙄

Laiste · 17/06/2019 20:08

Sorry but if this was a guy trying to pressure his wife to take the baby and go and stay with her inlaws who she doesn't like for a week while he deals with his career i can just imagine the replies!

Barnabyboy · 17/06/2019 20:09

YABU. There’s no way I’d agree to this. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to

honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:10

The key thing here is you say you have supported him for years and he is now refusing to support you - for a week!

He is being very selfish. What kinds of things did you support him with? Why do you never get to see your parents? Is it because of DH?

I would think carefully about becoming the sole earner because if you split he will most likely win the right to be resident parent of your DC and you will have to pay him maintenance.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2019 20:11

I think you're being unreasonable. Why does he have to go to London and stay with your parents. You'll be at work all day. Let him stay in his own home. He is supporting you by doing this. It's not fair to ask him to go to stay at your parents whilst you're at work.

Looking4wards · 17/06/2019 20:12

You said DH doesn't like to see your parents. Is there a back story here? Do they not like him?

honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:12

This is really interesting because so far 75% of people (including me) don't think OP is being unreasonable and yet the comments are mostly saying YABU.

OP, take heart from the poll!

sonjadog · 17/06/2019 20:12

I think YABU. He is the one who will be spending all day every day with them for a week and he is allowed to say that he doesn't want to. Do you have to go up for a week? Maybe you could go for three days and then go home again?