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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and work issue

243 replies

ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:33

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:24

*there was

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:26

On he other side, asking the OP to express is asking her to make a big effort so he can stay cosy at home. Asking her not to go is Basically any choice is making the OP's life harder but thats OK because HE doesnt want to make the effort...*

hmm... its like asking the op to make an effort so she can work and keep the family affloat is normal but asking him to make an effort isnt.... I wonder why.

This ^

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:26

won't want me taking DS to visit them on my own

the more it goes, the more he is sounding very countrolling OP.

Any reason why he doesnt actually try to retrain/find a different job than what he was doing as clearky he will NEVER be able to find the job he originally did? What sre his plans there?
Im starting to be worried.

honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:27

the OP is bfing so not seeing her dc for a week is creating a hell of a lot of problems

This ^

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:27

Cherry the difference is that your DH has never needed to express whilst you were staying at home!

tttigress · 17/06/2019 20:29

He does sound a bit selfish (though I can see why a whole week alone with in-laws might be a bit excessive).

I think you need to find a long term solution so you can regularly see your parents, but maybe not worry so much about the week.

Di11y · 17/06/2019 20:29

it was the breastfeeding that swing yanbu for me. it's not reasonable to expect you to be separated from a breastfeeding infant for a week and sounds like being office based will really help you settle in.

I guess your parents could look after ds by themselves, or you go for just maybe sun-wed/thur?

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2019 20:30

He won't go and visit them and won't want me taking DS to visit them on my own

Ok this is a major drip feed. But I don't get it. If he's this bad why the hell do you think he would go and stay with them for a week when you're working? Most people wouldn't do it, never mind those with this back story.

adaline · 17/06/2019 20:32

I barely get to talk to them now as I have to wait until he is out. He won't go and visit them and won't want me taking DS to visit them on my own.

That's a big drip feed!

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:32

Any reason why he doesnt actually try to retrain/find a different job than what he was doing as clearky he will NEVER be able to find the job he originally did? What sre his plans there?

I've been trying to encourage him to think about other careers for several years (with the suggestion that I could work part time as I had access to a subsidised crèche) but he doesn't like anything, he thinks he's not very clever and doesn't want to work for minimum wage 🤷‍♀️

I should also add that I was going to ask my new boss if I could work 4.5 days compressed over 4 with Wednesdays off so I could give DH a break mid-week. I think I'm trying my best to support him bring a SAHD and he won't do anything for me.

OP posts:
tuxedocatsintophats · 17/06/2019 20:32

I wouldn't be happy being a sole earner, tbh, and it doesn't sound a mutual decision.

GruffaIo · 17/06/2019 20:33

How old is your son now (for this one week trip)? Are you weaning? Does he take a bottle or are you exclusively breast-feeding?

ColaFreezePop · 17/06/2019 20:34

OP can your parents or another relative in London to look after your child for 3 days while you are at work? If so you and your baby go for a full week, while your husband comes for the last 3 days.

Also you should get your husband to get a PT job even if the amount equals the cost of any child care. Otherwise when he attempts to go back to full time work he will really struggle. He will also have a pension if he works.

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:35

I should add that DH wants me to carry on BFing. He doesn't get how hard it is though even though he's seen all the faff I went through trying to fit in enough time to express so we could have a night out recently to see his favourite band.

OP posts:
SusieQ5604 · 17/06/2019 20:35

He sounds like a lazy, selfish jerk

MangosteenSoda · 17/06/2019 20:35

I think it's unfair of him to make no effort at all with your family, so a wider issue than this particular week. As a couple you should be working together to come up with a solution that suits all of you.

There are lots of options:
DS comes with you for part of the week and DH picks him up/stays for a day or two at the beginning or end.
DH and DS both stay for the week, but DH uses much of the time to do stuff in London.
You go alone with DS.

You said your DH doesn't want you to go alone with DS as well as not wanting to go with you. If this is the norm then he's effectively dictating the relationship your son has with your parents. How do you feel about that?

Laiste · 17/06/2019 20:36

Forgive me OP - going off topic a bit - but this thread is a prime example of why the yes or no vote is a waste of time.

How many posters who have voted are reading the updates?

Very few issues are as cut and dried as ''AIBU yes or no?''

Annasgirl · 17/06/2019 20:36

It really irritates me when people reply to a thread without understanding a major point - so for the hard of comprehension - THE OP IS STILL BREASTFEEDING

And this is her first week back. And he unilaterally decided to be a SAHD because he doesn't want to do a lowly job!!!!!

YANBU - and I say this as a SAHM. Really, you need to be with your child, you need to get the best start in this new job (as you are the sole earner) and he needs to support you.

Quartz2208 · 17/06/2019 20:36

It feels like he is. I barely get to talk to them now as I have to wait until he is out. He won't go and visit them and won't want me taking DS to visit them on my own.

this is bad OP. Is him really being a SAHD a good idea

what does he bring to this relationshoip

LannieDuck · 17/06/2019 20:37

I think it makes sense for him to be a SAHD; surely plenty of women would be a SAHM in these circumstances?

I wouldn't want to stay with my in-laws for a week while my husband is out at work, and certainly not if it's the first week I've had baby by myself.

OP, I would try to compromise and do a half week in the office instead, or maybe two half-weeks. That way he can stay home and you wouldn't have to express so much.

And take baby to visit your parents for a weekend sometime. I agree with others that he shouldn't get to veto that.

RachelElizabethZane · 17/06/2019 20:37

I can see why you would feel the way you do, but I can also see it from his side. While you're at work he'll be with the in-laws, it may be uncomfortable for him. A day or two someone can manage but for a week, it's a bit much. Of course, if they had a really close relationship it would be different, but it does not appear that they do.

Would you want to stay with his parents for a week if the situation was reversed?

Don't dwell on it too much, he's honestly not being that unreasonable to want to stay home. To be fair, most of us would prefer our home comfort than staying elsewhere.

Go and enjoy time with your parents and consider it a little break as you embark on a new chapter career wise.

Best of luck.

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:38

but he doesn't like anything, he thinks he's not very clever and doesn't want to work for minimum wage
So basically he cant be bothered to work but as you have been paying for everything until now, it hasnt been any issue he can just be lazy at his heart content. (Remembering we are talkimg abiut a time when there was no dc to look after).

You might want to think long and hard at the big picture. If (or when) you have enough and decide to bet divorced, he will get the residency of your child and you will end up paying CM because he STILL wont have made the effort to work...
All the while, you wont have seen your parents. Your dc wont have seen his grandparents and you will have done all the work (incl working compressed hours to 'help' him... aka you again doing all the effort)

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:40

Can i highlight sonething (sorry for the shouting) but
THE OP IS STILL BREASTFEEDING
and
HER DH IS STOPPING HER AND HER DS TO GO AND SEE HER PARENTS

Its not a question of 'poor him he is unconfortable with the IL'. Its a question of him being controlling an doutting his wellbeing above the op's and THE ONE OF THEIR CHILD.

RachelElizabethZane · 17/06/2019 20:41

I'm sorry for going off topic here but why are so women uncomfortable with men being the stay at home parent? Why is it okay for the man to be the sole earner but it's apparently an issue if the woman is.

OP is educated, has fantastic career prospects and is capable of bringing in more money which is what a family needs. Good on her for making use of her qualifications.

BlueSkiesLies · 17/06/2019 20:41

Oh god why are you with him?

I’d be really worried about getting him into the ‘SAHD’ position as if you spit you’re screwed.

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