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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and work issue

243 replies

ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:33

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

OP posts:
Troels · 17/06/2019 21:22

Take the baby to London and leave H behind. A week without breasfeeding will negatively affect your milk supply. Let your parents see to baby while you are at work if they are willing to.
While in London, re evaluate what you want from this relationship, it sounds like he's only in it for him, you are the meal ticket and the milk supply only. He doesn't sound very nice or supportive at all.

greenlloon · 17/06/2019 21:25

when did the vote happen.

KittyKK · 17/06/2019 21:25

I think you’re being unreasonable expecting him to stay with your parents for a week. However, I wouldn’t like the idea of him being a SAHD without any future career/job path. What happens when your DC is at school full time? Do you really want to support him for the rest of his life? Assuming he has no other income or little pension provision.

Perhaps find an alternative childcare arrangement for your baby and your DH focuses on retraining.

Ineedaweeinpeace · 17/06/2019 21:26

Yabu

number1wang · 17/06/2019 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TitsInAbsentia · 17/06/2019 21:33

Yanbu
He's being a dick, and I have concerns for your future together if he can't put aside his gripe about your family for the sake of your child Sad

saraclara · 17/06/2019 21:35

Initially I thought you were BU, but then I read about you having to skype your parents in secret, and that's just awful.

To be honest, I really wouldn't be confident about him being a SAHD. It sounds as though he isn't able to think flexibly or unselfishly. And those attributes are key to looking after a baby all day.

WomenUnited · 17/06/2019 21:46

Take the baby to London and leave H behind.

Maybe that is what he after?

In which case given all the other stuff why not just make it a permanent arrangement?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/06/2019 21:50

I also think you should consider getting rid of your H before his behaviour gets any worse. He appears to want a free ride at your expense.

WeWantJustice · 17/06/2019 21:54

It's very likely that your milk supply will be seriously affected and possibly stop, if you are separated from your DS for a few days.

Personally I'd go to London with the DS and stay there.

Permanently.

This guy isn't going to be a good SAHD, is he? You can just see how awful he's going to be. It's kind of obvious how this is going to pan out and it won't be good.

justasking111 · 17/06/2019 21:58

I was on antibiotics for a week once, had to pump and dump the little one went straight back to breastfeeding when I had finished the course.

paddington34 · 17/06/2019 21:58

it's unfair that he doesn't let you see your parents but YABU to ask him to stay with them for a week while you work.

SurfingGiantess · 17/06/2019 21:59

I think yabu for being upset that he doesn't want to go. He's entitled to that. It might be awkward spending all day with your parents without you there.
However yanbu to want to do it. So I'd bring the baby and see if your parents would like to spend time with ds while you're at work. Then your dh can choose to come or stay.

SarahAndQuack · 17/06/2019 22:01

I like the voting thing!

I think YANBU. Unless he has some good reason not to want to see your parents (eg., they are appallingly bigoted and awful to him, which doesn't appear to be the case) then he should grow up and accept he has in-laws.

My DP and I acknowledge, to each other, that our in-laws are hard work. But we are adults and partners and therefore we do try to work with what we have.

I think your DP could manage to suck it up for a week, given you've got a breastfed one-year-old. It's not like he can't take the baby out for the day and stay out of your parents' hair.

MulticolourMophead · 17/06/2019 22:08

I must admit, the more I read this, the more I think OP should take DS and move down to London, getting rid of cocklodger in the process.

SuperSara · 17/06/2019 22:20

YABU.

I wouldn't go and spend a week with people I don't like whilst my DH is at work, for no good reason.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 17/06/2019 22:35

I love DZ dearly, but if he’s away for any reason I do t like people planning my time for me.

Earning more doesn’t equal deciding how the person that earns less spends their time.

happybunny007 · 17/06/2019 22:41

Do you love him?

I just ask because otherwise this has divorce written all over it. If so, remember he will get residency etc if he is a SAHD.

Hellywelly10 · 17/06/2019 22:48

Op if your not going back to work for 3.5 months your husband could be looking for work now? If hes not supporting you decesion to breast feed when you go back to work, he doesnt sound like sahd material. He controls your relationship with your family. This is all very dodgy. What do your friends and family think of him?

TatianaLarina · 17/06/2019 22:48

Yes it’s really important you don’t let him be SAHD. This relationship will end in divorce at this rate, and as a SAHD he may well get custody. From the sounds of it he will be shit at it anyway.

First you go to your parents without him if they will agree to look after DS.

Second from this point on you talk to your parents as often as you like and visit them as often as you like, without him if he won’t go. Do not let him isolate you from them.

Thirdly you BF if you want not because he demands it.

TatianaLarina · 17/06/2019 22:50

I must admit, the more I read this, the more I think OP should take DS and move down to London, getting rid of cocklodger in the process.

TatianaLarina · 17/06/2019 22:50

This ^^

Collaborate · 17/06/2019 23:04

He’s supporting you by looking after your child.

givemesteel · 17/06/2019 23:04

The key thing here is that he is not considering what is best for your 1 year old, which is not to be completely seperated from his mum for a whole week. That will be incredibly hard for both of you, I couldn't do it tbh.

I agree with pp that your dh sounds like a bit of a loser who's really not adding much to the equation. He doesn't want to retrain do he can get a job but he sounds like a poor excuse for a sahd as well.

Tbh you'd be better off temporarily moving in with your parents, having them help out and find some childcare near where they live than your husband looking after your baby miles away. At least then you'd see the baby in the eves and continue to breastfeed in the eve, at night and in the morning.

Tooner · 17/06/2019 23:08

My God, your husband has got it made hasn't he. Doesn't have to go to all the trouble of actually getting a job to help support his family,, doesn't have to make any effort whatsoever with his PIL's despite expecting you to make an effort with his family and gets control on how often you see and speak to your parents.
He is very selfish and controlling.

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