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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and work issue

243 replies

ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:33

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/06/2019 07:18

Oh OP I feel for you because he isn’t accepting it at all and what you have written is bad

AntiHop · 19/06/2019 07:26

Op you're right to be angry. I'm really shocked at your latest update. He really is gaslighting you. Could you keep a journal of his actions so you make sure he doesn't cloud your judgement? Make very sure he doesn't find it though.

SlowDown76mph · 19/06/2019 07:28

Be careful. If things do breakdown between you (sounds like your marriage is on borrowed time) and he has become SAHD then you may face him being considered primary caretaker for your child, and possibly maintenance too.

Take your baby to London as you wanted too. It was a perfectly sensible idea. Leave him behind to sulk. Watch his behaviour, not his words.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/06/2019 07:31

He hasn't actually "accepted" anything OP. He's a devious, manipulative bastard and like all devious, manipulative bastard he knows exactly when he's pushed you that bit too far and it's time to turn on the waterworks.

He thought you were "semi-estranged" from your family, completely unbeknownst to you?? What the actual fuck?

Of course he "doesn't remember" being a useless shit during your pregnancy. Of course he "doesn't remember" staying awful things about your family. But I bet you any money if you do something or say something 'wrong' in the heat of the moment that somehow sticks in his memory!

As for you not being allowed to meet your new baby niece until next year because he thinks your DB "isn't that nice"...seriously? And he actually believes he's a "nice guy"?? This is beyond fucked up.

You deserve so much better than this.

BuildBuildings · 19/06/2019 07:34

Yanbu
It also sound like you need to address the issue of him being a bit crap in terms of earning potential. Longer term could he retrain once your child is in school or getting free nursery?

Isatis · 19/06/2019 07:35

People who express horror at the notion of OP's husband spending a few days with his in-laws are forgetting that he'll be free to go out and about in London on his own, leaving the baby with them, and that OP will be there in the mornings and evenings. I'm not wild about my in-laws but I don't see what would be so dreadful about that sort of arrangement.

Sceptre86 · 19/06/2019 07:37

Honestly I have seen ltb on many different posts and have never thought it was helpful advice for the OP but in your case I think it is. Causing you to estrange from your own family is absolutely not on. I do not get on with my brother in laws wife however their son is my husbands only nephew so when we go over I take one for the team. We are partners and I support him and vice versa.

Yanbu, spending a week with your family might not be much fun for him but so what? Who says that they would be spending 24/7 together anyways? Would your parents not work, have hobbies they need to partake in? It is London for crying out loud, plenty of things for him to do with your little one on his own. The grandparents might want to take your baby out themselves to give him a rest anyway.

It is great that you have had a frank discussion with your partner and maybe he will come to the realisation that he has been selfish and hurtful towards you. You yourself need to be strong too, if him being a sahd is going to work you need to set out the expectations of each other around chores and responsibilities. Don't be one of those women who goes out to work and then complains on mumsnet about having to do all the housework, organising because partner is a lazy sahmd. Try to avoid that now by talking to each other. Hope that all goes well for you x

BuildBuildings · 19/06/2019 07:39

Wow just read your update. He sounds like a selfish twat. Sorry to say this as I know you've got a baby together. I'd also be quite concerned that he's distancing you from famil and your job.

fonxey · 19/06/2019 07:40

I think your being perfectly reasonable.

It's one week of his life. Not a month. Not a year. Your parents don't sound that bad. It's part of life sometimes putting up with people who simply annoy you. Heaven forbid if he went to work and found his collegues annoying.

He doesn't have to stick around at home all day. I could find a huge things to do in London for a week. I doubt is even be home at night! Most museums are free for example and plenty of stuff to see and do with the baby.

oneforthepain · 19/06/2019 07:45

Bigger picture, this is part of a pattern of behaviour of him isolating you from your parents.

EarlyBird39 · 19/06/2019 07:48

Why doesn't he retrain into something else to work with? Confused

Clutterbugsmum · 19/06/2019 07:54

So HE doesn't want to work and support HIS family - But expects you to.

HE does every thing HE can to make it that you can't visit your family - But expects you to visit all HIS family when HE wants.

HE has already moaned about doing the housework why you were recovering from EMCS - I'm guessing you are in for a lot of moaning about HIM having to do the house work you are at work.

HE doesn't have any real idea of what it takes looking after his child. - So you can expect lots of phone calls and tantrums from HIM when you are at work because HE will not cope with looking after DS full time.

Your future will the following :-

HIM doing the bare minimum at home and with DS, while you run around like a headless chicken trying to work FT, keeping on top of everything at home and keeping DS happy.

HE will tantrum, sulk and moan every time HE wants to do what HE wants when HE wants, until HE has manipulated you into doing what HE wants.

HE doesn't want to get at job nor does HE want to be a SAHP which includes doing things around the house while you are at work.

ComeAndDance · 19/06/2019 07:58

He is gaslighting you. He is also emotionally abusive.

What is happening here is that he knows he has pushed too much, is backtracking a bit to keep you sweet. And that’s it.
Nothing he has said shows he has any wish to change or any new understanding. There is no apology. No proposal on what he could do to help you. Not even a proposal on how. To handle. That week in London.
Do you seriously think that someone who is moaning about doing the shopping or the cleaning when his wife just had a CS is going to step up doing all the HW, loooking after a baby, doing the shopping? He. Isn’t. He is going to leave it all to you, incl night feed, and claiming it’s normal as he is so exhausted from looking. After his dc. Whilst still doing a poor job and/or having someone else doing it. Look out for him to push for compressed hours, a day or two at nursery etc..

TheBrockmans · 19/06/2019 08:01

I would be looking to see if you could put your ds in childcare two days a week so he can continue his 'freelancing', retrain and 'have a break'. That way he is only looking after ds for two and a half days so less likely to be seen as resident parent.

Nicolastuffedone · 19/06/2019 08:05

You know these tears mean nothing don’t you? He was probably looking at you through his hands! He hasn’t had a lightbulb moment, he’s a devious, conniving man. I’d be making plans to leave......

WitsEnding · 19/06/2019 08:09

I don't think YABU but if he's not on board with the idea it's a non-starter. You haven't been asked to spend the week in London, so don't.

Get to grips with the job first and meet people later. I worked remotely with a London team, this was never expected. I worked very closely with one colleague I was only in a room with twice, over 15 years.

OliviaBenson · 19/06/2019 08:09

Wow. For the OP I thought YABU, but your updates are worrying. He's estranged you from your family and sounds extremely selfish and manipulative.

I would have a long think about your future for yourself and your DC.

What happens if you ring your family when he's there?

3luckystars · 19/06/2019 08:10

I would move in with my parents and work in London. A new start.

have you any ties where you are living now?

It sounds like you have just gone along with him. He is not nice and is badmouthing your parents. Good luck with your new job.

Frouby · 19/06/2019 08:14

Dump the husband, move back permanently with your parents and use childcare.

He's an absolute prick, he reminds me of my BIL. He's a vile, abusive little man who drip feeds poison into my dsis ear to make her think the way they live is normal. He's also off work with a long term disability. That only manifests itself when dsis wants him to do something.

It's an illness that apparently prevents parenting, but doesn't prevent fishing all day in all weathers, going out with his mates and doing generally what the fuck he wants.

fonxey · 19/06/2019 08:15

I'm so sorry. I have just read your update. And frankly you're in an abusive relationship.

He doesn't want you going back to your family because he is afraid they will take you away. He's keeping you away from the people you love and isolating you in this way.

This isn't normal, OP. Relationships don't have to be like this. But from the skins of it, he isn't one to change.

onedayiwillmissthis · 19/06/2019 08:20

He's tearful cos he realises you might be waking up to his being a selfish cocklodger!

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 08:25

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want you spending time with your family. He’s isolating you from people who love you & no doubt see him for the abusive shit he is.

Please please leave him. Take your baby with you to London & stay with your parents.

It’s all about you facilitating him. Nothing for you a new mother. He’s done a proper number on you.

Do not let him become a SAHD. Do not at any point get to that. He’s got what he wanted- you commuting every day of your first week. He’s a proper shit & no mistake.

YANBU

Osirus · 19/06/2019 08:27

YADNU.

I will just add out of interest that I know someone who left their 6 month old baby 😮 to go on holiday for a week and carried on breastfeeding when she got back, so it didn’t affect her supply. Not ideal in the slightest though.

CrumpetyTea · 19/06/2019 08:49

I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about being a SAHD and think about what it means yourself. My partner is a SAHD and it has created/exacerbated a lot of issues. Fundamentally he feels being a SAHD is a carte blanche to do nothing else (he doesn't seem to really think he should do cleaning/shopping etc ) and it makes him a good bloke. He always takes the view that he needs time off from childcare/responsibilities when I am there and that it is a treat for me to look after our son- this adds up to meaning that I am either working or looking after our child - he on the other hand gets all evenings/weekends off and (now our son is at school) most days! But fundamentally I think its because a lot of society/his family think it is fantastic that he looks after his son and he has bought into this.
Ignoring that you need to be honest with yourself about whether you will resent him being at home with your child when you aren't; it is very pressurised being the only breadwinner and I would echo the concerns about splitting up in this position.

On the actual question you ask I would try and compromise- either see if your parents would look after the baby for part of the week and DH come up later or you go back later - it is all very well saying DH could go out and about but its not always feasible or fair. I think the emphasis has to be on what works for all of you with priority for the baby. In general though you need to be firm that he can't undermine your relationship with your family but you need to insist on spending time with them- you can't insist he spends time with them - he doesn't have to like them

TatianaLarina · 19/06/2019 08:52

This includes pressuring me to go do food shopping frequently whilst pregnant even though I had nausea and could barely look at food and I kept telling him that definitely couldn't all the heavy tins and things we needed anyway as I was struggling getting around worried about the baby as you're not supposed to carry heavy things but he kept telling me how inconvenient that was, and also pressuring me to do cleaning etc. after my EMCS (all this whilst he wasn't working of course but spending several hours a day exercising). He eventually agreed to do the cleaning himself but there was a lot of "Surely the doctors just said that you can't lift the vacuum for 6 weeks but you can do everything else!" and me having to justify that I needed to rest and look after the baby and this really damaged my feelings towards him as it felt like we're not on the same team anymore, we're on opposing sides.

This is genuinely appalling.

I want to work on this for DS's sake and I think DH does too.

You want to work on someone else’s personality? Good luck with that.

It’s not that he doesn’t remember being an arsehole it’s simply that he denies it when confronted.

He cries, apologises and says he will try harder and then will continue exactly the same for however long you want to go on flogging this dead horse.

Sometimes in life it’s better just to accept you’ve made a big mistake OP, and get on with living the rest of it. Don’t waste your life pretending it is not what it is.