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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and work issue

243 replies

ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 19:33

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:12

Would you happily spend a full week with his parents while he was off doing his own thing? I can understand why he doesn't want to

Yes. I would without doubt do it if the tables were turned. I would be grateful that he was working and keeping us afloat and want to help his career. I would also want to allow him and DS to see his parents.

He wouldn't have to spend 24/7 with my parents - London is a big city with lots to see. My parents could look after DS without DH for a few hours a day too to give him a break.

I have to spend lots of time with DH's relatives (I even have multiple sets of in-laws as he is adopted) and friends even though some of them are very annoying, but he never will come with me to London to see mine. They have never said anything bad about him either - he just thinks my Mum talks too much and my Dad makes bad puns etc.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:12

Who says he has to spend all day every day with the, Sonja? He can go out.

WeeDangerousSpike · 17/06/2019 20:12

I don't think he's being unreasonable to refuse - my MIL is a perfectly nice woman, but the thought of spending a week with her without DP there during the day sounds like hell on earth.

He's also nbu to not like your parents - it's not something he can change.

However he is bvu to try to isolate you, being rude about your DPs and generally being unpleasant.

Perhaps as pp suggested you could take DS and your parents could look after him while your at work - DP could stay home. Sell it as a last week for him to be DC free if there's anything he needs or wants to get done in preparation?

I would also be a bit careful about establishing him as the main carer for DS, given he sounds a bit controlling and unpleasant. In the event you split he would be likely to be the resident parent.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 17/06/2019 20:13

He's being a massive arse.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2019 20:13

He's not stopping uou see you're parents. That's really unfair to say he is.

And I wouldn't do it either. I'm sorry but no friggen way

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:13

I should have added that I said to him "a few days or maybe a week" but it's not the length of the stay he objects to.

OP posts:
Littlemisslists · 17/06/2019 20:14

What laiste says

NataliaOsipova · 17/06/2019 20:14

I'm a SAHM and can think of little I'd enjoy less than living with my in laws for a week whilst DH went out to work every day!

This was my first thought, I’m afraid to say....! Fair enough to expect him to take care of DS on his own for the week, but perhaps a little unreasonable to demand where he does it....

Chocolate1984 · 17/06/2019 20:14

I think you’re being unreasonable. I wouldn’t spend a week with my in-laws while my husband spent all day at work.

MyNewBearTotoro · 17/06/2019 20:17

I think you’re being hugely unreasonable. I wouldn’t want to spend a week staying with my ILs whilst DP was away at work every day. I just wouldnt feel comfortable. Would you honestly want to do this if it was the other way around and he asked you to spend a week with his parents without him being around?

He is offering to have your DS home alone which seems perfectly supportive and also will surely be better for your son to be in his home environment.

justasking111 · 17/06/2019 20:17

It is London, why cant he do some sightseeing, enjoy getting out and about, he does not have to stay in the house with your parents.

honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:18

I have to spend lots of time with DH's relatives (I even have multiple sets of in-laws as he is adopted) and friends even though some of them are very annoying, but he never will come with me to London to see mine. They have never said anything bad about him either - he just thinks my Mum talks too much and my Dad makes bad puns etc.

OP, there is something seriously wrong here. You never get to see your parents and have to Skype them and yet you have to spend lots of time with his relatives (your multiple ILs) and his friends.

He sounds extremely selfish. You need to start outing your foot down and say you and dc will spend the same amount of time with your parents that you and he spend with his relatives.

Why do you need to him to come with you to your parents?

Littlemisslists · 17/06/2019 20:19

He doesn’t want to spend the time with your parents,end of.
And I don’t see this ending well if he has to be grateful for working and keeping you afloat. Surely it’s a mutual decision for what suits your family. Are you going to throw it in his face that you are the one out working?
And you don’t “ have to “ spend time with his family. You can say no as well

honeygirlz · 17/06/2019 20:19

*putting your foot down

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:19

If i had been at his place, I would have jad no issue going to Lomdong for a few days.
Its just a few days, not months and not the end of the world in that there is no backstory that would explain he cant stand them.
What is happening here is that he is very much used t get hos own way. He doesnt want to see PIL so he doesnt but somehow its ok for the OP to make the ffort to go and see HIS family, even if she doesnt quite want to (like most people tbh...).

On he other side, asking the OP to express is asking her to make a big effort so he can stay cosy at home. Asking her not to go is making her starting her new job harder.
Basically any choice is making the OP's life harder but thats OK because HE doesnt want to make the effort...

hmm... its like asking the op to make an effort so she can work and keep the family affloat is normal but asking him to make an effort isnt.... I wonder why.

Babyroobs · 17/06/2019 20:19

A week is a long time to spend somewhere you don't feel comfortable. maybe make it a few days instead?

adaline · 17/06/2019 20:20

I don't understand why he has to come with you, though. You volunteered to go for work - that was your choice. Either take DS with you and ask your parents to watch him during the day, or accept that you made a choice that means you'll be away from your son for a week.

Runmoreorless · 17/06/2019 20:20

I'd leave him at home while you're working. I can't think of anything worse than staying with in laws on my own with DC.

You shouldn't have to Skype your parents secretly though

ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:21

So here we go again with an entitled make who expects his partner to make all the effort to make his life easier whilst he does f** all to make her life easier....

purplelila2 · 17/06/2019 20:21

I think YABU expecting him to stay with in laws for a week whilst you're at work.

What's wrong with them staying at home I mean he is supposedly a sahd

NotquitewhatImeant · 17/06/2019 20:23

I think yabu. I don’t think it’s fair to dictate the terms of his sahd role even though that’s hard on you trying to balance work and family. It sounds a little like you resent him and this is a way of testing whether he is contributing. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way but in his shoes it might feel like that.

Littlemisslists · 17/06/2019 20:24

comeanddance so all the SAHM are doing nothing to make their dh lives easier.

Original poster
ILoveEurovision · 17/06/2019 20:24

He's not stopping uou see you're parents. That's really unfair to say he is.

It feels like he is. I barely get to talk to them now as I have to wait until he is out. He won't go and visit them and won't want me taking DS to visit them on my own.

Recently, their was a football match that he thought he wanted to see at Wembley. He said I should ask my Mum to come down to our home town to babysit DS for the day, rather than us going a spending a night or 2 at their house and leaving them with him whilst the match was on. His team didn't get to the final so it became a moot point in the end.

As I have mentioned, they have been really nice to him. Mum is just a bit self-involved and Dad is a bit quiet and makes bad puns (DH makes bad puns too but not quite as bad).

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 17/06/2019 20:24

I don't understand why he has to come with you, though.

Because
1- the OP is bfing so not seeing her dc for a week is creating a hell of a lot of problems
2- because its not on to end up asking everybody to bend over backwards because the SAHP doesnt want to make an effort. Why should the OP and her parents accomodate HIM but he doesnt accomodate THEM?? I didnt realise that being a SAHP meant you could also just offload the dc to other peple when things get a bit tough. If the OP does that, what will happen next? I want to go and see my parets/family so you have to follow me, work form their house or organise childcare whilst you are working? because HE has deided to do his things wo a care about the OP and their dc?

CherryPavlova · 17/06/2019 20:24

I’d also prefer to be in my own home surrounded by familiar things and able to stick to established routine that living with my in-laws whilst my husband worked.
I don’t get how that is unsupportive or unreasonable.
Maybe go for a long weekend with your parents after you’ve settled into the new job a while.
If he’s the primary carer then trust him to care. Why do you want him at your parents anyway?

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