DH and work issue

[ILoveEurovision]

I'm starting a new job when DS turns 1 year old. The rest of the team will be based in London and I will be working remotely from our home town . DH has only earned a few grand a year for the last few years doing freelancing and we rely on my salary. DH is going to stop freelancing to be a SAHD.

I'm meeting with my new boss tomorrow and said to DH that I was thinking about suggesting that if they wanted me to, I could be in London for the first week to settle in and get to know people. My parents are in London so I thought DH and DS could stay with them. They have a large (by London standards) house. My parents have bought a cot and other baby things so it wouldn't be too much hassle to travel.

DH has said no. If I need to stay in London for a week I should just go and leave him with the baby in our home town. He said I can express milk. He doesn't like seeing my parents and doesn't want to travel.

AIBU to be extremely upset? I feel I've been supporting him for years and he doesn't support me in return. I feel I never get to see my parents either and have taken to Skyping the. When DH is our because he moans about them (they are polite to him).

He sounds like a right lazy, unsupportive twat.

You're already trying to fit your new job around him and he's doing bugger all to make the transition easier for you. Yet he wants you to be the breadwinner while he does very little.

Your life would probably be considerably easier without this arse.

But no-one has said you have to go away for a week, you wanted to offer? I wouldn't like to look after a baby away from home for a week if it was optional either tbh, all the stuff you need is at home.

And when did the voting option come in?!

Of course he wants you to carry on bfing. Much easier for him. Yu get up to feed him at night, you do all the feeds, no bottle to clean and he can just hand him over if he gets too fussy 'because he is just hungry'.

You b'find makes his work much easier....

And it makes me wonder how much he has actually done when you were on ML.

Under normal circumstances I’d completely get that someone might not want to spend a week with their in-laws whilst their OH works (I don’t think I’d want to do this and I get on fine with MIL).
However, there are so many red flags here:

-You can only speak to your family on the phone when he’s out of the house
-You see his family all the time but he won’t visit yours at all
-You’re doing your best to support him being a SAHP and he does nothing for you
-He’s pushing you to carry on breastfeeding even though you’re having a hard time

He sounds controlling and this really isn’t normal. The first week of your new job is the least of your problems to be honest.

OP, I'd be very careful about your DP becoming the primary carer. If you split, the resident parent is usually the primary carer prior to the split.

I also think your DP sounds a lot like a cocklodger. He's got himself a nice little number where you pay for everything, and he's doing nothing to help your life be easier.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to go straight from maternity leave to being away from your baby for the full week. When I started back at work both my DC immediately started feeding 5 times per night.

It should be such a small sacrifice for him, that would make a huge difference to you. Unless there is something actually objectionable about your parents, there is a minimum level of politeness that should be expected, I think, and this would fall within that for me.

However - if I was you I'd rethink. Even if he agrees, it is going to be stressful for you worrying about him being obviously rude to your folks. It would be nice if you could rely on him to support you, but you clearly can't.

Could you travel down (alone) first thing Monday, back Tuesday night? Then repeat thursday/friday, maybe?

But no-one has said you have to go away for a week, you wanted to offer?

maybe thats because ts a normal offer to make when you are starting in a new job, dont know anyine and will be aorking remotely. Its usually quite normal to actually make the efort to meet up with colleagues and spend time to meet them.
Its not as if she is going to work in a different office.

OP, sorry, I've just seen your update.

Regarding him stopping you seeing your parents with your child, just NO. He cannot stop you doing that. If he does not want to join you, then so be it but do not isolate yourself and your child from your family if you have a healthy relationship with them. Maintaining a good support network is vital.

Furthermore, if possible, would you be able to travel with your little one alone (irrespective of what he wants). Your parents could look after the little one during the day and you will be around the rest of the evening?

Alternatively, is it possible to cut the time spent in London to maybe 2-3 days instead?

Explore your options, but ultimately do what is in the best interest for you and your child. Understanding your husband not wanting to be at your parents for a week is one thing, but that's all you truly need to be reasonable with.

I hope you are able to work something out and congratulations on your new role.

He may not want to do it, and I can see why if e doesn’t get on with your parents, but he should do what’s best for the family as a whole. With a breastfed baby that means keeping the baby with its mum, and if it’s important for the mum to make a good impression in the career that is going to be supporting the family then he should put up with some short term inconvenience to himself to facilitate that. I think he should do it. Saying that, if your parents are happy to look after the baby instead then that’s a great alternative.

To those saying leave him and the baby at home - there is no way in hell I would have even contemplated leaving my baby that long in those circumstances. If the sexes were reversed it would be completely different as a dad wouldn’t have the breastfeeding issue (obviously).

At the moment you are on maternity leave and breast feeding. How much and how often does he have DC on his own. How is he with night waking - especially as your DC will probably be pretty fractious with you not there. How patient is he?

It just seems that he is so controlling of you I can't help but wonder how he is going to cope with a possibly upset baby for a week. Hopefully fine but it deserves some thought.

At the moment you are on maternity leave and breast feeding. How much and how often does he have DC on his own. How is he with night waking - especially as your DC will probably be pretty fractious with you not there. How patient is he?

He wouldn't do anything to hurt DS but he is being completely unrealistic IMO. He only looks after DS on his own for a couple of hours a day at the moment. DS is a terrible sleeper and I usually have to BF him to sleep (sometimes DH will rock him but he's getting heavy). I co-sleep with DS for most of the night - usually from around 1:30am onwards.

Obviously, we've got 3.5 months till I go back to work but I don't see that DS is going to change that much and suddenly start sleeping through the night and only wanting 2 bottles a day etc.

I'm surprised at what a hard time OP is getting here. She's asking her DH to visit her family with her for a few days. Not for weeks, not on a regular basis, just a one off visit for a few days. She's not asking for selfish or frivolous reasons, she needs this so that she can continue to breastfeed their baby whilst working to support them both. It is this work which has allowed her DH the choice to be a SAHD. Given that OP has supported her DH for years and by the sound of it he has no intention of working again so is likely to be doing so for some years to come, how is it unreasonable to ask him to visit her parents for a few days? He doesn't have to spend all day with OP's parents, presumably they're not going to keep him locked in the house and there's no shortage of things to do and places to go in London. OP will be there in the evenings when she finishes work, and her Parents may even be happy to take the baby for a few hours so they can enjoy a nice evening out together, who knows?
But heaven forbid a man should be inconvenienced for a few days because his wife has the audacity to think she should be able to work for a living and breastfeed

Breastfeeding is the deal breaker, a week away will be a nightmare and you really don't want that hormone shift in your first week at new job. He has to take one for the team and realise baby needs to be near you, (your body - your decision).

Everything else is irrelevant.

Stand firm.

OP, do you really think this lazy, self-obsessed prick will be a good SAHP? In your shoes I'd be worried that the baby would spend all day parked in a buggy or playpen while your H wanks or plays Xbox or similar.

I don't think it's on to expect him to spend a week with people he doesn't like when you won't be there with him for a large part of the time. But his other behaviour surrounding your parents sounds pretty unacceptable. Is he that intransigent about other things as well?

There are a few things going on here. My penny's worth:

Make it clear to DH that you want to see your parents regularly and for them to have a relationship with your DC, e.g. every six weeks. They can either visit you and stay for a couple of nights or you take DC to see them for the weekend. He doesn't have to come too. Then arrange it and stick to the plan. My DH isn't keen on my parents, which is a major source of tension in our relationship. I religiously see them monthly, either at ours or theirs and DH has to suck it up. Now it's an established routine there are far fewer complaints.

Ditto with phoning them. Just do it, and ignore any complaints or digs he makes. You don't have to be in the same room as him but the more you hide your relationship with them from him, you're making him think it's OK to isolate you from them.

Stop enabling so much time with his family, if you want to. Once you're working your family time will be precious, so protect it.

I don't know how far you are from London but rather than going for a week why not go for two days, with one overnight? That way you're not away for long, and your DH doesn't have to trek to London as well and stay with your parents. At the start of a new role it might be better to do a few two-day trips on the first few weeks rather than going for a week all at once.

Finally, do not underestimate how utterly exhausted you will be working full time on top of parenting. You talk of giving your DH a break but while full time sah parenting is tough, I encourage you to think about yourself and be a bit more selfish. If you're ill and can't work, or are too tired to be effective, that's putting your family's income on the line. You have to be well. I recommend being careful not to overcommit at work, and be prepared to go to bed at 9pm completely shattered for the first few months, which may mean your DH feels a bit neglected, for want of a better word. I'm projecting obviously but just sharing my experience

expect him to spend a week with people he doesn't like

He will be spending the week supporting his partner and child so she can carry on breastfeeding. He can stay somewhere else close by and not free with built in baby care if that's really the issue.

Don't you lot remember how hard the breastfeeding switch is with older babies?

as a adult i wouldn't visit someones home i dont like to please someone else,let alone stay there

if your willing to leave the baby for a week leave him at home with his dad where he will be more comfortable

This is not going to work OP.

You need someone far more on your team than you have in your DH.

I would throw this one back to him. If he can't properly come on board, all bets are off. He can get a job, and you'll rethink this job and look at nurseries.

His attitude to your parents is a big red flag, a MASSIVE one. Basically it's more important here that he doesn't have to see them than it is to support his DS breastfeeding, and seeing his mum in the evenings rather than being away from her for a whole week - I can't get over that, it's not just about supporting your job, it's actually uneccesarily cruel to your DS.

And the backstory - he doesn't even want you to take your DS to see your parents yourself? Um, so he's actually a controlling arsewipe? Ok, if that sentence is actually the situation you have, you should not be planning for this man to become primary carer to your child. Really no.

Tell Mr MeMeMe that that's fine, if he can't be fully on board, he can get a job.

You're not even allowed to talk to your parents whilst he is in the house? They havnt actually wronged him in anyway, he just doesn't gel with them.... And he won't make any effort to be civil for your sake? Won't let you visit, take your kid to visit or speak to them on the phone? Why on earth have you had a child? Do you want your child to have a relationship with your parents? Because he's trying to make it hard for you to have that relationship... your kid doesn't have a chance

YABU. There is nothing on gods earth that would have made me spend an entire week with my ILs whilst my husband was elsewhere all day. They are perfectly nice and I get on with them but staying with other people is my idea of hell. Staying with other people with a small child would be even worse. If I didn’t like them (as in your DH’s case) it would be completely unbearable.

It's hard to see what he brings to the party tbh. I think you will, or should, end up leaving him and so you should be very careful, as others have said. I know two women in mismatched marriages who have worked their arses off, sad at not being able to be at home more. They are both now non-resident parents and will be continuing to fund their ex-husbands' lifestyles for the foreseeable future.

He doesn't particularly get on with your mum and dad . I have goos relationship with inlays but it would be my idea of hell to go and stay for a week . Couldn't he do a flying visit mid week .
Also if you say DS is hard to settle and with you gone it would be better for him to stay in his own home would of thought that would familular for him .

So he basically wants you to breastfeed, doesn't want you to see your parents, wants you to be the only earner and wants to be the one in control calling the shots...........

You've got a real prize there, OP

If he won't spend the week in London to facilitate your first week, then don't take the job. Seriously. Because he doesn't get to dictate YOUR working terms. Start the way you mean to go on

Oh, dear god, he wants to be a SAHP but doesn't actually like spending time with his child, expects you to 'just express' and moans when you speak to your family although you're supposed to visit and travel to see all his? Take the job. Dump him. Move to London.