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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 54 too old to father a child???

297 replies

Miatunnel · 17/06/2019 00:04

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

OP posts:
Totur · 17/06/2019 17:57

I'd also be worried about the quality of sperm. Imagine having a disabled child and you being essentially sole carer. I know women do it. But it won't be easy. I guess it depends on how much work you the OP are prepared to take on in the future.

rattusrattus20 · 17/06/2019 17:58

to people saying that anyone can get ill or die at any rage, well, of course that's true, but consider the evidence:

www.bandolier.org.uk/booth/Risk/dyingage.html

compared to young dads [aged 25-34], death rates for men increase hugely with age:

aged 35-44 it's about double the 25-34 rate;
aged 45-54 it's about 4 times;
aged 55-64 it's about 11 times;
aged 65-74 it's about 29 times.

HorridHenrysNits · 17/06/2019 18:05

I would not personally want to take on the risks attached to conceiving from the sperm of a man of that age.

Sakura7 · 17/06/2019 18:10

There have been a couple of posts along the lines of "my dad had me at 55 and was so active and healthy, he lived to 85 and was fit as a fiddle to the end. So it's totally fine, go for it OP"

I am really glad that you had a good experience and that you had a decent amount of quality time with your dads. However, I'm not sure you realise just how lucky you were. The average life expectancy for men in the UK is 79, so the majority will not make it to 85. Of those that do, most will have dealt with, or will be dealing with, a serious illness or impairment. There may be many everyday things they need assistance with and they may require a carer to help them.

The statistics don't lie, so while some people manage to beat the odds, its anything but a given that the same will be true of OP's DH and others who are considering having children in their 50s.

Totur · 17/06/2019 18:12

Well the OP has fucked off, so we're talking to ourselves here.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 18:12

Well the OP has fucked off, so we're talking to ourselves here.

I always find it annoying when that happens. Maybe some posters said things she didn't want to hear?

Laurajjj · 17/06/2019 19:13

Maybe OP has been at work all day? [Typical mumsnet]

BearRabbitPants · 17/06/2019 20:48

My dad was 50 when he had me. I'm 31 now and my Dad is currently in a home, deteriorating rapidly from Alzheimer's disease. It's 8 years from his original diagnosis. He no longer has any recognition of me, despite me visiting often. He didn't get to walk me down the aisle, he hasn't known his grandchildren. I've missed out on so much.
My mum is 10 years younger than him and although healthy & active (for 71) she doesn't particularly want to be an active role as a grand parent , she loves them both & is great with them when present, but there is never an offer to look after them even for a couple of hours (I have no other family and my DH was brought up in care so no family his side either) It's hard seeing my friends with younger parents play a very active role in their grandchildren's lives... especially so as my Dad LOVED kids & I know would have thought the world of mine 😢
My Dad was very fit and active, healthy BMI, didn't smoke, drank only a few glasses of wine a week, this didn't stop the disease...
IMO because of my experience I think it's selfish having a child at that age. Sorry.

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 22:58

What's all this about 'pay offs' ....for who?

What about the actual babies' prospects?

Age does have a massive impact, and its banal to just say 'oh well we're great, go for it'.

Its really not about the shit fathers etc, they come in all shapes sizes and ages and are irrelevant.

Just be open-eyed to the actual risks involved and the possible devastating impacts on any off-spring, as the priority .

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 23:10

I think it s very sad and a very challenging decision to make.

I cannot understand the huge amounts of men who look for women 15-20 years their junior when in their 50's!!! Theyve done their thing without dc and it seems selfish to expect to do this.

Les Dawson...rod stewart, on and on...les dawsons baby was barely.walking when he died. Its very sad all round. (Although that wasnt planned, and healthy baby).

BubblesBuddy · 17/06/2019 23:12

I think when me and my siblings were born there wasn’t research into the age of Dads. If you worry about everything in life, you never do much! I do not see why women wouldn’t want DC with a man over 50 if they love each other and the man is equally keen on DC. Many people weigh up risks and take the risk! Look at all the over 40 mums now. They are taking a risk too but we don’t seem to worry about that.

Sakura7 · 17/06/2019 23:15

BearRabbitPants

It's shit isn't it Flowers. I get a pang when I see friends being walked down the aisle by their dads and knowing it won't happen for me. Mine is also 80 and has dementia. Really I lost him at 72 when he had a "mini stroke" and went rapidly downhill afterwards.

TruthOnTrial

I wondered about the "pay off" comment too. Ultimately it's the child who will pay the price if the parents' gamble doesn't work out.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 23:18

Look at all the over 40 mums now. They are taking a risk too but we don’t seem to worry about that.

If by 'we' you mean society as a whole then we certainly do worry about it. Whereas men in their 50s and even older who father children are congratulated.

I think when me and my siblings were born there wasn’t research into the age of Dads. If you worry about everything in life, you never do much!

It's not just about the -increased but still relatively small - risk of genetic abnormalities or pregnancy dificulties caused by ageing sperm. It's the fact that if a man has his first child in his mid 50s, he's going to be 70 by the time they enter their teens and may very well not live long enough to see them go to university. These aren't theoretical risks. They're the reality. And yes, some people might still think it's worth doing, but since the long-gone OP asked for our views, we're allowed to give them, even if it's not all 'oh you know you could be a shit father at any age' Pollyanna stuff.

Ilnome · 17/06/2019 23:18

I had a friend whose father doed in her teens and he would have been 20’s when she was born and from what I understand she would rather have 14 good years then never have been his daughter! Maybe once they reach late childhood and early teens you could have a couple ‘big’ holidays and family experiences? I don’t think it would be selfish at all xx

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 23:23

I wondered about the "pay off" comment too.

Well, I must say it's not such a bad deal for the man who got to have decades of unencumbered freedom and now gets a much younger wife to have his baby when he's well into middle age.

Whether it's so great for the child, or for the woman who'll be raising a teenager with an old man while she's still relatively young, is an entirely different question.

welshmum3 · 17/06/2019 23:26

I had my DD at 36. My DH was 60.

mothertobe789 · 17/06/2019 23:31

Go for it. My dad died last year when I was 27, he wasn't old when having me but unfortunately died young. You never know what's round the corner. Someone could have a child young and then something could happen and they would be ill or could pass away. You could still have 30-40 years with your dp. Any amount of time with a good dad is better than time with a crappy one. So basically if you think he'll be a great dad then don't let his age hold you back! X

SisterMaryLoquacious · 17/06/2019 23:34

Bubbles, you may not have noticed that women who have babies in their forties are a) the subject of endless media handwringing and health panics b) usually at least ten years younger than the OP’s DH c) female with the associated advantages for mortality and morbidity.

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 23:34

... mums over 40...dont seem to worry about that

No? You dont 'think'? How do you claim to 'know' this? I for one dont 'think' thats true at all. ive seen so many women go through amnios and bloods and real worries over their babies and feeling responsible/guilty for any and every possible congential disease and illness.

Every woman i know, including me, has had to be talked out of takibg responsibility/guilt/self-blaming for MC.

So i view that comment as glib and flying in the face of everything woman/pregnancy/birth/baby that i have felt and seen arouand me (and heard here on MN!)

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 23:42

Any amount of time with a good dad is better than time with a crappy one. So basically if you think he'll be a great dad then don't let his age hold you back

Well no. Devastating losing a parent, and that should notnbe swept aside by such blithe commentary.

Lozz22 · 17/06/2019 23:52

I'm 34 and my DP will be 52 next month. We had a surprise pregnancy which resulted in a loss on Christmas Day last year. I kind of thought he wasn't that keen on us having a Baby and I'd sort of slowly started to come to terms with that. He totally surprised me a few weeks ago when he pulled me in for a cuddle and said how desperate he is for us to start trying for our Rainbow Baby. I know he will make the best Father ever as well

Sakura7 · 17/06/2019 23:52

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this, but there are some utterly brainless comments on this thread.

The posters coming in with the Pollyanna stuff (nicely put Iced) should read the posts from the people who were negatively affected by having an older parent and actually think about it. A lot of people are happy to ignore what we're saying and continue sticking their fingers in their ears.

jennymanara · 17/06/2019 23:58

I agree sakura, but I suspect some of those people have older partners and feel attacked by this thread and the comments. Most parents get very defensive if anyone suggests that perhaps the decisions they made may have negative repercussions for their children.

edgeofheaven · 18/06/2019 02:13

I wouldn't do it myself but I do struggle to see how being 34 having a baby with a 54 year old is so much worse than having IVF/IUI alone, or keeping a baby when the relationship has broken down. I see plenty of posts where someone has gotten pregnant, BF has said don't want it and I will leave if you keep it, and MN usually suggests keeping the baby if the OP wants it.

Having an engaged partner and father even if it's for a shorter period must be better than not having one at all?

TruthOnTrial · 18/06/2019 02:17

Im not sure why you cant see the glaring differences. Oh well.

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