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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 54 too old to father a child???

297 replies

Miatunnel · 17/06/2019 00:04

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

OP posts:
Adelie0404 · 17/06/2019 16:12

Not wishing to blow own trumpet - but my DH was exactly 54 when we had DD2 - and he had had a vasectomy!!! Natural reversal. We had done a sperm count to check and see if I needed a donor and a fertility consultant had told me ICSI only option. So DD1 was a complete surprise. DD2 was planned and no problem conceiving either! I was 35 and 39 by the way - so go for it!

Gamble66 · 17/06/2019 16:15

Widow here - as long as the finances are sorted and if the worse happened you wouldn't be doing it alone on s shoestring canny see any real problem as long as as you say you are both fit and well X good luck

chuffnstuff · 17/06/2019 16:16

My half brother was born when his dad was 52 and my mum a similar age to you. Sadly he died earlier this year, but not from an age related illness. He was a fantastic father despite his 'age'......

My exh's mum died at 55 when he was in his twenties.

No one knows what's round the corner....

thelastchicken · 17/06/2019 16:16

Yes. At least ten years too old. He will be an elderly and infirm old man by the time the kid goes to college. And as a pp said, sperm deteriorates in men with age, (as well as eggs in women.)

No way.

jennymanara · 17/06/2019 16:17

wheresmymojo I would advise anyone who realises that their partner will be a shit father, not to have kids with him.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 16:20

I don't think people should place guilt on the age of the father.

It's got nothing to do with 'guilt' but with the inevitable effects of ageing.

And yes, one can be a shit dad at any age, and one can drop dead at any age, but as others have said, there's a lot of denialism on this thread.

Age is not just a number.

MaMaMaMySharona · 17/06/2019 16:23

A bit late to the party but my DF was 56 when I was born and I can say it definitely affected me.

People were always asking if he was my grandad, he wasn't fit and healthy enough to run around and play with me (I have barely any memories of playing with my dad) and just generally didn't interact with me the way a younger dad would have.

He passed away when I was 29 and it was awful. None of my friends had really lost parents at this point and found it hard to understand how I was feeling. It actually felt worse to me that it was from 'natural causes', I felt cheated out of so many years of having a dad.

I'm probably more sensitive today after seeing endless 'Happy Father's Day' posts on instagram and facebook yesterday, many taken at weddings. I'm getting married this year and don't have a dad to walk me down the aisle.

I'd really put some thought into it - even if you started trying now it could be a while before you conceived and it can be really hard on a child to have a parent so much older.

Schnitzelvonkrumb · 17/06/2019 16:23

My parents had me when they were 30 and 41.(so not particularly old) I have no memories of any of my grandparents as they all died before i was 4.
I had my DC when i was late 20s/early 30s and DH was mid-late 40s. My DM (their youngest grandparent) died when my youngest DC was 1. The others are now all in their 80s.
DH has lots of grand plans what he would like to do when tour DC are grown /have left home but i am more cautious about making plans as he will be late 60s by the time the youngest is 18.( I will be 50) I feel like he had his chance to do exciting holidays/house projects in his 20+ years of adulthood before they were born (before we were together) so you kind of cant have it both ways.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 17/06/2019 16:36

Hi OP - my parents were 39 and 55 when I came along. I'm 29 now and they're both still here and fit as fiddles. People are amazed to find out DF is old enough for a pension, he looks nowhere near 84!

Their age has never been an issue, never got teased for it and people in school had younger parents die so I quickly realised age meant little. A 27 yr old could be hit by a bus tomorrow or live far less healthy lifestyle and die sooner. As long as your DH looks like he'll be healthy, go for it. The only worries DF had was that he might not be able to keep up with a sporty DS- he got a sport loathing Dd.

kenandbarbie · 17/06/2019 17:02

My parents were 44 when I was born, I lost my mum at 22 and my dad at 43. I don't wish I was never born!!!! Life is not straightforward, two living parents at the start is a lot more than many have!!!

kenandbarbie · 17/06/2019 17:04

I meant loving!!

Olissa8 · 17/06/2019 17:05

DP was 50 when our DD was born. She's his only child. (I have kids with my XH too.)
He's only been mistaken for her grandad once

Olissa8 · 17/06/2019 17:10

Sorry, I posted that before I meant to! I don't think he'd have planned to have a child at 50, but he was over the moon to get the chance. He'd given up on fatherhood entirely and I think it had made him quite down.
Like lots of PPs have said, we know not the hour. My grandad died at 56 but his dad lived to 99. XH is estranged from his dad and his mum died young. You just can't tell.

SisterMaryLoquacious · 17/06/2019 17:22

There’s a doctoral thesis to be written on perception of risks based on the evidence of MN threads. There are some subjects where no level of risk is acceptable and people will get absolutely hammered for the smallest risk and some where there’s a mass outpouring of “what the hell, go for it, everyone’s got to die of something, you could do everything right and still be struck by lightning tomorrow”. Presumably there are underlying rules driving what subject gets what response.

Ginger1982 · 17/06/2019 17:23

So long as he is prepared to put in the hard graft, age notwithstanding, why not?

My dad was 30 when I was born and 43 when he died.

You just don't know what is going to happen in life.

jennymanara · 17/06/2019 17:27

sistermary Yes that would be interesting.
People are really bad at assessing risks. But the other issue is that everyone has a different approach to risk.
For example my DH is disabled. I would be very risk averse to another child if there was a chance of a severe disability, as I know it would tip us over from getting by, to barely keeping afloat.
If I was OP I would be assessing how well I could manage as a single parent, or if I had a child and an ill DP. These are questions no one but the DP can answer.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 17:31

@SisterMaryLoquacious

The whole way we assess risk is fascinating I think. The human brain is notoriously bad at this, and we are influenced much more by emotion than by logic, however much we may like to think otherwise.

rattusrattus20 · 17/06/2019 17:32

It's really not ideal. If you're determined to have kids with him, and are absolutely certain you'd be able to cope, financially and emotionally, alone, then do it very, very soon. IVF twins might work well?

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 17/06/2019 17:42

Well, it's not just the risk, is it? It's the payoff. My DH was 48 and 50 when my two came along and he's a brilliant dad, they have a really amazing relationship and I wouldn't have been a mum if we hadn't gone for it.

SisterMaryLoquacious · 17/06/2019 17:42

Widows can of course be perfectly great lone parents to teenagers, just as much as any other single mother. Women who are full-time carers to older husbands with serious health needs will probably find it more difficult. Only a minority will find themselves in that situation when their partner is 75 but it’s a large minority (including my own parents which is why it influences my particular perspective). If my father had been your DH’s age then not only would he have missed my trip up to university, my graduation, trips to IKEA to help me equip my first flat, trips to the shops to get my prom dress, helping pick my wedding dress, but so would my mother because she couldn’t ever leave him for anything less important than an actual wedding day. Like I said, it’s a minority, but it’s a tough road to travel.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 17:46

My DH was 48 and 50 when my two came along

But this man will be at least 55 - perhaps older - when he has his first child. So at least 7 years older than your husband was. That's a significant difference.

jennymanara · 17/06/2019 17:46

Of course the risk is part of it. We all know the payoffs. It is easy to focus on the payoffs and then be blindsided when the risks come true.

amandajanemoore74 · 17/06/2019 17:51

My daughter is 37 and her partner is 52, she has two children in their early teens.
They recently had a baby girl and are both loving being parents.
Her partner thought that ship had sailed, had done all his adventures so it has worked out rather well.
They all love her!!!

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 17:53

Her partner thought that ship had sailed, had done all his adventures so it has worked out rather well.

Yes. For him.

Totur · 17/06/2019 17:54

I just can't see a 55 year old having the energy to help with night feeds etc. without seriously damaging his health. Being 60 when child starts school? He's not really off retirement age. Does he have a clue what parenting involves? The utter exhaustion? The responsibility? It's sort of the age where they nap a lot lol.