Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

I guess I'm an idiot then TruthOnTrial

Oh!?
You think

TruthOnTrial yes honestly when I look at people I know who struggle as single mothers or have remarried new partners and the conflicts of stepfamilies, I have a hard time seeing having an older father who is committed and around as ranking high on the list of problematic family set-ups.

Knowingly entering into a situation with inherently higher risks making those huge challenges even more likely?

My dad was 56 when he had me , he was young at heart and loads of fun so I’d say he definitely could cope physically. Plus he wasn’t career focused anymore and had basically retired so always did the school run, took me on days out and always did lots of childcare so I spent so much time with him which I loved. I did develop a complex about him being much older than the other dads at school and I only had him around for 19 years. So there’s pros and cons I guess.

I’ve just had my first, a DD, I’m mid 30s and DP late 40s. He was incredibly worried about being an older dad but desperate for a child (his first). I wasn’t worried as my parents were in their mid 40s when they had me (after having three in their 20s) - they are now elderly but both fit as a fiddle. So I’ve had a positive experience. Financially we have everything set up for DD post DP’s retirement and socially there seems to be a lot of older dads around here, a lot on second marriages, so hopefully DD won’t suffer from the embarrassment factor! My parents were considered incredibly old back in my day but I never really cared to be fair.

Knowingly entering into a situation with inherently higher risks making those huge challenges even more likely?

Yes but using a sperm donor or getting pregnant in a not completely solid relationship are just as risky (or more so) in my opinion. In terms of the effects on the child.

And I actually went to school with someone born by sperm donor to lesbian parents and she went through a lot of emotional turmoil as a teenager about her identity because her mothers shared no information on him as he was just the "donor" but to her that was her father and 50% of herself.

There are a lot of family types in 2019 and older father/younger mother to me isn't the most challenging. But clearly we disagree which is fine, but that doesn't make me stupid.

My father was 55 when I was born...my mother 25 years younger. They were married 35 years before he passed away. Oh, and he passed away at nearly 90 and still very fit physically and mentally whilst my mother passed away in her early sixties and had been ill for a decade.
I adored my Dad. He played badminton, took me sailing etc, was incredibly gentle, kind and patient, always there for me.

Do what’s right for you and your partner.

My sil's father is 80 and she's only 25. It's never been good for her. I was 19 when my dad died and I had to take over the care of my grandmother. I loved her dearly, but it was hard and put my whole life on hold/stopped to help her. A friebd from university had to drop out as her father, who was 75 when she was 22, needed help inthr home. Obviously this is not akways the norm. But, deliberately having a child with a parent who will old before their time is selfish, no matter how you look at it.

We were in a hotel recently and family at next table normal looking woman my age bracket (early mid 40s) two primary aged boys and a dad who looked older than my own dad - pushing 70 properly elderly. She was doing everything he was reading the paper. Boys calling him dad. I must say I was baffled at her choices. You get an elderly man, potential to be his carer likely to be widowed young and sorry to be harsh utterly sexually unattractive as so elderly? Why would you choose this if you had other options? Made me appreciate dh (3 years my junior) but I was very picky when choosing a husband/ father

One of those situations where a crystal ball would be extraordinarily useful!

If i was the OP my concern would be my partners future health but this really influenced by my experiences of my ddad (who was a relatively young dad when i was born) who was fit, active and healthy in his mid to late 50s but has had a spectacular run of poor health since turning 60 - cancer treatment, cardiac problems requiring surgery and now has a degenerative neurological condition and who realistically is going to need family support and care in the near future.

Should add this worries me on pensions and retirement ages too - my dad was fortunate to be in a position where he could chose to take early retirement rather than having his hand forced - he would have massively struggled to work to state pension age and i suspect would have been "managed out" if he had still be working (projection obvs!)

Maybe my ddad has just been unlucky. Difficulty is health is not always easy to predict - id never have imagined 10 years ago my dad would have been so unwell.

All those going on about genetic risks associated with older fathers- do you condemn IVF too? As IVF increases risk of genetic disorders in babies born this way..

OP we don't know what future holds for us but if you love your husband and want to have a child with him then do it. Other people will judge you no matter what and it's your life, your choice and your happiness that matters.

My father has been a young one but a bad one. Not involved, not caring, not loving. Would have traded him for a involved,caring,loving, older one in a heartbeat.

There are wild assumptions being made that older fathers are kinder, more loving and generally better dads. While the younger ones are more likely to be shit dads. It's absolute bollocks. There are arseholes of all ages, and some people become more stubborn and set in their ways as they age. I think in general most Dads love their children and do their best for them, regardless of their age.

Yes but using a sperm donor or getting pregnant in a not completely solid relationship are just as risky (or more so) in my opinion. In terms of the effects on the child

This argument doesnt really hold up does it, its trying to deny the actual biology of aging, a known increased risk of actual death.

OP had concerns about whether its a good idea and to know the factors that might influence such an important decision.

Other people...not having a shit father (unrelated), having babies in fragile relationships, having a good experience of an older father that lived into a great age, etc...dont alter the facts needing consideration of known increased risks.

One doesnt somehow change the other iyswim.

Why do you refer to yourself as an idiot or stupid?! Its not good for you to call yourself names and a shame that you feel the need to do that. Can you be a bit kinder to yourself?

Whitecat did you realise what you said is offensive (asserting that [others] will ... judge you )

Pp are definitely not judging. That would be a projection on your part. The only judging going on is that of 'young fathers are shit/old fathers not' type horrible rhetoric

This argument doesnt really hold up does it, its trying to deny the actual biology of aging, a known increased risk of actual death.

I don't understand this.

If your father is an unknown sperm donor, his age is irrelevant to you because you don't know him and you have no relationship with him. This has an impact on the child. It's a known fact that the father is not going to be present in the child's life - ever.

In my social circle I know 4 single mothers who set out to be - 2 used sperm donors, 1 is "co-parenting" with a gay man who lives in another country, and 1 adopted. (I don't know anyone on the other hand with a baby who has a partner in their 50s). Let's see what those kids are like 10 years from now but I can imagine quite a lot of confounding factors on the horizon.

So seems to me it's totally OK to be a single mum by choice but having an older but present father in the child's life because of the "biology of aging" is much worse? I honestly just can't see how it's worse? Different and has challenges but it's not that different from other choices people make that we all accept as normal these days.

I totally agree that a great father is better than a poor one, whatever the age. And I’m glad so many posters had brilliant older dads. As I’ve said before, the OP is the only person who can judge whether this is right for her.

I also understand that posters who are older parents or have older partners probably feel got at when negative stories about older parents are posted. That’s natural.

I was moved to post though by the many posters minimising the risks of losing a parent young. Or of how hard it is to be the only person you know caring for an elderly parent at a young age. And because so often the discussion is about parenting young children in your 50s, not teenagers in your 60s/70s. Being older doesn’t automatically make you a bad parent, of course not, but it makes you one more likely to have health issues.

My mother died at 60, so not old at all, although not young enough back then that it was considered a medical tragedy. Ironically I was anxious throughout my childhood that my parents would die because they were so old but they weren’t actually old enough for death to be imminent. That was just bad luck.

If your father is an unknown sperm donor, his age is irrelevant to you

His age is certainly not irrelevant.

Very few sperm banks will accept donors aged above 40. Many set the age limit 5 years under than that. By contrast, this man is already well into his 50s.

Surely that's proof that when it comes to fatherhood, age certainly is not irrelevant?

Different and has challenges but it's not that different from other choices people make that we all accept as normal these days.

But the now vanished OP asked for advice on her situation. She didn't ask if it was better or worse than using donated sperm etc. And yes, obviously she is free to do as she chooses, but she also chose to come on here to ask what people thought, so we are under no obligation to say it's a great idea if we do not think it is.

I'm 30 this year and one of my close friends that is the same age as me has a dad who is 80 this year, her mum is 60. She has had a fantastic life and continues to do so. Age is just a number and the important thing is your child is loved. You could find out at 25 you have cancer tomorrow and be a sickly parent despite being young. What I would suggest is that you ensure that you have great life and critical illness cover and think about long term plans in detail :)

Age is just a number

It's not though, is it?

If it was, why don't we hear stories with the genders reversed, with women in their 50s having babies with younger men? We don't, because women in their 50s can't - with very rare exceptions - have babies. Why? Because of their age. Therefore age is not just a number.

You could find out at 25 you have cancer tomorrow and be a sickly parent despite being young.

This again? Yes, you could become seriously ill at any age, but it is a statistical fact that you are very much more likely to do so the older you get.

The denialism on this thread is amazing.

I'll say it again then. Increasing age of father is an increasing risk for any babies, and, maternal gestational health.

There is nothing to be compared with the experience of the death of a loved parent (even abusive one) on their off-springoff-spring, particularly affective of children/young adults.

Choosing to be a single parent (for multitude of reasons, also including child protection) is a different and seoarate proposition, as there is no harm to child involved, in fact the opposite it seems to research on better outcomes for children of single parent families.

I dont know, atall, the stipulations around sperm donations, but i assume them to be selected for health and not increased risks? As in, those with known genetic disease would be excluded, as would aging men?

My neighbour is 70. Her husband is 91. She’s basically his carer. Her mum is a similar age to him and is in a care home. She has an enormous amount on her plate. I think age difference is fine until something goes wrong. If she became ill or disabled, he couldn’t care for her. At your age it’s not a big deal but add 20 or 25 years and add a young adult into the mix. Well you get the picture.

HEW i think, in the one anecdotal case you cite of your friend, she is in the minority, because a very high proportion of fathers in that situation would be dead, a lot younger.

Are you saying that by stating this one anecdotal case others should ignore increased risks, including those to the gestation on the health of the mother?

The vast swathes of carers are vast majority women.

As in, those with known genetic disease would be excluded, as would aging men?

Yes, most sperm banks set an age limit of 40, though many set it 5 years younger.

So the experts know very well that ageing sperm is not ideal, but we're told that 'age is just a number' and that there are no issues at all with having babies with a man 15 years above the age deemed the maximum acceptable by those who have actually studied the risks?