Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

Its not awful because noone has said your child will have x number of years with their [df]

Literally noone has said this.

It isnt luck of the draw. There is known and scientifically proven, and all round increased risks of losing a child to elderly/geriatric sperm. Also the increased risks to the mother.

Following the 'luck of the draw/curve-ball' theories, there should be people living forever!

If you both want a child the go for it

I remember the women who was over 50 who went to Italy for treatment that enabled her to have twins. There was a thread on here at the time saying how fit and healthy she was, age is just a number, etc. About 8 years later she was in the newspapers saying she was wrong to have had twins at such an old age and she had developed age related significant health problems.

One of the terrifying things about getting older is that for every marathon runner that lives into their 90s and is fit and active until then, there is another who has a heart attack or cancer or at 60. Being fit and active decreases your risks of premature death, but it is still far higher than younger men.

Of course some couples take the risk and everything is fine. But it is a risk.

I don’t think you can compare a woman of 50+ who had children with a lot of medical intervention and all the issues that alone brings with it, to a man who is fit healthy and runs marathons and hasn’t had to go through pregnancy or had any strain put on his body

Well, you can in the sense that ageing happens to us all - yes, even men! In fact, men die younger than women on average, so you might even say that men age quicker than women. That's one of the reasons why the vast majority of carers are women, even when the couple is the same age, let alone when the man is 2 decades older.

And so what if he can run a marathon in his 50s? Does that somehow mean that he will be immune from age-related illnesses for the rest of his life? That he will be able to take an equal share in raising a teenager (or two) when he's 70?

Your DC will likely lose their DF earlier than most, but actually who knows? I know a 30 year old with 2 kids who has passed away from cancer. We don't even have DF in our family as we're two mums.
Do what's best for you.

Of course older men can be fathers to teenagers. There is utter crap on here. Older men might be better fathers than younger men! It’s all about personality and wanting to do it. What does it matter if the OP needs a bit of help with a baby, teen or toddler?

For what it’s worth, women over 40 have much higher risks in pregnancy and having a baby with SEN. No one says don’t have a baby. What about twins and multiple births? They have a higher death rate, but no one says don’t have ivf! Multiple births have higher SEN and more early births needing substantial care in some cases but people go ahead. As they should. There are risks in any pregnancy and some a more risky than others but we are not yet telling people who are in greater categories of risk not to think about having DC and scaring them out of it. Where does it stop? Diabetic parents, disabled parents, ones where a syndrome might be passed on? This thread is very judgemental on an older man !

I had an older dad who died at 80 when I was 24. My siblings were 19 and 15. I think we would rather have had a father than not one at all. You do know your Dad will die before others but you do sometimes wish you had one in adult life! There is no getting away from that but life is there for living and OP - just get on with it!

For what it’s worth, women over 40 have much higher risks in pregnancy and having a baby with SEN. No one says don’t have a baby!

Eh? There are lots of "I'm over 40, should I have a baby?" posts, and posters will always suggest that the OP weigh up the pros and cons before deciding. Which is exactly what people are doing here. The OP did ask people's opinions after all. Nobody is saying not to do something, just to be clear-eyed about the very real risks of marrying a man who will be 70 by the time his child is a teen.

This thread is very judgemental on an older man !

No. It's realistic. There ARE risks and dangers to having a baby with a man in his mid 50s. Some might still be happy to go ahead, but if you don't want to hear the potential downsides, don't ask others for their opinions.

I would worry about bullying personally. When I was at school all the kids who had old parents were horrendously bullied because of it.

I personally think he’s too old and it’s selfish to have kids that late in life.

A family member of my partners has a dad that is in his 70s and she’s in her 20s. We went out for a birthday meal for him recently and I actually felt sorry for her. He’s an old man and she’s practically caring for him, it’s just selfish.

I had an older dad who died at 80 when I was 24. My siblings were 19 and 15.

I know you're saying it was fine for you, but a lot of people would consider that a terrible outcome for their child. Especially the poor 15 year old. I'm glad you were happy in that situation, genuinely, but a lot of children would find that experience very traumatic.

@MonstranceClock and when I was at school we weren't.

For every anecdote there is another saying the complete opposite.

I actually now know a few older fathers. They are either very hands on or worry obsessively about being fit and healthy. The second lot do my head in.

For every anecdote there is another saying the complete opposite.

That men in their 70s have a much higher risk of death or serious illness than men in their 40s or 50s is hardly anecdotal. It's a fact.

Not really. My sister had a baby at 50 naturally. Mind you she is knackered and looks like she just crawled out from under a rock.

If you have a baby naturally at 50, you are probably healthier than average.

I would talk to each other about the pros and cons and then go from there. I asked my dad ( similar age to your dh) this question and he said categorically no but then he already has 4 grown up kids. Your dh has not had the chance. However how would he cope with a change in lifestyle , by this age people are often ( not always) set in their own ways. Both your lives would change but is he ready for the sleepless nights potentially and the toll that they take, especially if he is heading towards retirement in the next 10-15 years? Realistically speaking you may have to do a number of years of parenting on your own, could you handle that or be willing to? A lot to think about definitely.

Gosh, your poor sister! Especially having her own sister speak like this of her!

This thread is about elderly/geriatric sperm though, and men dying, unrelated to 50yr old women birthing.

Its a huge consideration, and rightly so, for any embarking on a family, the best age to do that. I thought most would consider this as part of that planning, and not be necessarily planning to do that as late as possible for obvious reasons.

DH and I adopted our DDs; I was 40 when DD1 came to us at age 1, and DH was 44; DD2 is 3 years younger. Obviously, fertility issues don't come into it when you adopt, but age is a factor; DH will be close to retirement age when DD2 turns 18. So hopefully he will be around until they're at least in their 30s.

It's different with you and your DP starting out with him at age 54, though. Unless you get pregnant quickly, you're looking at him being 56/57 by the time you have a baby. He might be very fit, but keeping up with young children is exhausting.

Only you can answer these questions, obviously.

@truthontrial, did you actually read my post? I said I lost my dad last year, so I don't need you to tell me how devasting it is to loose a parent! But my point was although i lost my dad in my 20s the time I had with him was amazing.

I said its devastating! Why is that wrong?

Children deeply love, have attachment to, and suffer with loss of crappy parents too!

....but the thread is about a child suffering the loss of that treasured father early in life...like you did, sadly. Taking that decision to increase that risk doesnt seem fair on the resultant dc.