Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

I am noticing a lot of "we did it and it's fine", "if you want it you should go for it", etc, but very few people are considering the possible outcomes for the child. Other than those of us who have been that child.

It might turn out fine like the poster who had an active childhood and the health problems only appeared in DF's 80s, but she's one of the lucky ones. There is a significant chance your child will either lose a parent at a young age or have a burden of care placed on them before they've really had a chance to get their own life started. It is very difficult having to deal with parents' care needs when you're only in your 20s.

I am friends with 2 couples (who don't know each other) where the DH is now 73 and the DW is mid 50's. Their youngest DCs are now 22 so the fathers were 51 when they were conceived. There are 4 children in total and all are absoutely fine. The fathers were both very hands on in bringing up the children. Can't see a probem with it myself and nor should you.

There's no such thing as too old really, it all depends. I think you need to read up on the risks associated with this (ie studies showing the chance of complications, disabilities, parental life expectancy etc) and make your decision based on that. This will probably give you a better idea of what sort of risk you are taking and how comfortable you are, rather than asking for anecdotal opinions on MN (as lovely a bunch as we are!)

bigbluebus

People on the outside probably would have said I was fine too. But it was hard.

@Sakura7 "I am noticing a lot of "we did it and it's fine", "if you want it you should go for it", etc, but very few people are considering the possible outcomes for the child. Other than those of us who have been that child."

It's always this way with these threads sadly. Sometimes the best parental decision you can make is to not be one. Someone even threw in the MN bingo "you won't regret a child you've had". But it's never about the child is it.

My dad also had a stroke when I was 14. Not that uncommon for a 54-year-old but the effects would not have been so devasting had it occurred when I was 5 years older and less financially dependent.

The incidence of stroke disease increases with age.

^ my dad was healthy and fit at the time it occurred.

I have just lost my DDad aged 41. If I had lost him at a young age, I would still have loved and appreciated whatever number of wonderful years he was there for me. It’s love not age that matters.

Easy to say when you did not have to deal with losing a parent when you were still a child.

It's always this way with these threads sadly. Sometimes the best parental decision you can make is to not be one. Someone even threw in the MN bingo "you won't regret a child you've had". But it's never about the child is it.

The problem with threads like these is that people become extremely defensive about their choices and anyone pointing out some cold statistics is seen as threatening those choices.

That's why I don't really see the point in asking questions like this of strangers. All you can do is think long and hard about the potential pros and cons, look at the risks (and there are risks) and then decide if it's right for you. Strangers assuring you that they're happy - although I notice most of them still have young children and might not feel the same way when they're 50 and hubbie is in his 70s - should not influence your decision.

I don't think it's selfish to take the chance on being left a single parent, many here would tell a single parent to go ahead anyway.

Having a baby now would mean no alone time for you as a couple until he's an old man, and in your situation I'd be sad about that. But I'd probably still do it.

@Sadiesnakes you can't say 25/30 years max for sure, my great grandma is still alive and kicking with most of her marbles left - she's 95 this year! The rest of my great grandparents bar 1 went over 90!

95 with most of your marbles is unusual though. Average life expectancy for women is 84.

But it does come down to your attitude to risk OP.

I'm surprised so many people are saying "go for it, anyone could drop dead at 20!" Surely that's not the point? It's not about getting hit by a bus, it's the natural age-related degeneration that comes to all of us, as well as the increased risk of cancers, stroke, Alzheimer's, etc., not to mention the risks to the child as mentioned upthread.

I wouldn't do it, OP.

So many factors in play here. We have friends who got together when he was early 50s and she mid thirties. They have had two children. She is a high flying career woman and he's a SAHD, he's now 62. He's a former PE teacher, mountaineer, skier, cyclist etc, very fit, outdoorsy, loves his full time Dad role. a lot depends on attitude and mental age, rather than physical age I think. My friend's mother is still alive at 90 and living independently, so he's probably got good genes, but still he's going to be parenting teenagers in his 70s.

My friend who is a former PE teacher and incredibly fit has just developed angina at 65. He is shocked by this.

I do find on MN that there is a large contingent of people who deny that age means anything. As if being 70 is physically the same as being 20.

DH lost both of his maternal grandparents and his mum (all through ill health, no accidents, etc) in the space of two years. His grandparents were well into their 80s, his mum was 51.

You just don't know what will happen.

Actually another thing I forgot to mention is that I never knew my grandparents. They had all died by the time I was 5. That's another potential disadvantage for children with older parents. I did feel it when I saw how close some of my friends were to their grandparents.

I do find on MN that there is a large contingent of people who deny that age means anything. As if being 70 is physically the same as being 20.
This ^^
I'm 56, I'm very fit and healthy and have a toddler DGC who occasionally stays overnight. There's no way I'd want to have a child of that age full time. He sleeps well, but I don't want to start every day with Peppa Pig at 6am...

@jennymanara this is true, I have a photo with us 5 generations of mothers in and everyone is quite surprised by it!

Although 95, she still lives independently and is regularly coming out for family meals! Hoping we've got good genes - no one has been younger than 90 - well aside from one who, he was still over 80 (95yr old GGM husband).. 83ish I think!

@LenoVentura I have to say I'm not overly excited about Peppa Pig at 6am

I do agree to some extent it can be a bit unfair with not getting to know grandparents, I'm quite lucky I have quite a young family.. I'm 26 and one of my nans is only 70 in August and my eldest grandparent is 76. I have all 4. This could be very different if my parents waited till they were much older. Alot of my friend's parents are the same age, if not older than my grandparents.. friends are only within a couple of years of me.

And the germs! As an older person, I can't cope with the toddler germs!

well yes it is imo.

The problem is, not just the dying early, and the probability of him being infirm while the child is relatively young, but there is no way that he'll be around to be a grandfather. There's no way he'll be around much into the child's adulthood, and I've discovered now that my young adult children need me just as much as they did before. I also get to enjoy my adult children I get the grown up relationships, to see how they are developing. To watch them go off into the world.

And your partner however young at heart he is, simply won't have the energy of a young person. And in fact, at this stage in his life, does he really really want to do all of that drudgery, sleeplessness, soft-play shit? really? I did have my last child quite old, but still, I'm so pleased now that I can concentrate on doing fun stuff. I'm getting to go off on weekends with my older children, go cycling, climbing and sailing. I wouldn't be able to do that if I was in my 70s. No matter how fit I was.

And the other thing is that it is massively embarrassing to a child to have an aged parent that looks like their grandparent.

From your perspective, assume you won't have the support for the whole time you are a parent. Assume your OH won't be as energetic, or as in touch with the kids, or as interested in all of that stuff. And that's keeping the whole death/disability stuff out of the equation. It's just a matter of fact.

So yes I think it is too old.

I don't think people should place guilt on the age of the father.

Look at the number of people who have children despite being absolutely shite fathers?

IMO having a great Dad for 25/30 years beats having a complete arsehole for a Father.