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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is 54 too old to father a child???

297 replies

Miatunnel · 17/06/2019 00:04

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

OP posts:
TruthOnTrial · 18/06/2019 11:38

When you choose an older male partner you choose that, and the considerations of male heallth decline, for yourself as an adult, but in considering it for parenting you are pushing that on any babies.

If you are in a great financial/community/extended family support position it can mitigate to some degree, but as anyone left literally holding the baby with loss of financial, emotional and companionship support will know, it can break a family and havebdevastating effects.

As can becoming a carer to a parent as a child. If this is as a result of disability/tragedy/disease or an abusive parent theres no alternative but to throw your shoulder to the wheel and hope to hold it all together, but when this increased risk of same is a choice?

Isnt it a choice thats worthy of huge consideration to those who will potentially suffer as a result?

It was a surprise to me that it puts pregnancies and mothers at greater risks.

TruthOnTrial · 18/06/2019 11:41

Thank you Iced

Thats pretty clear then that the preferable ceiling is 35, where 'choice' is involved.

WhiteCat1704 · 18/06/2019 11:45

TruthOnTrial

Based on the currently available data, IVF babies are increased risk for birth defects (congenital abnormalities).
Does it mean having a baby via IVF is selfish and irresponsible?
Taking this train of thought further only healthy people in their prime should have babies to decrease potential risks..

Sakura7 · 18/06/2019 11:46

Are you saying that by stating this one anecdotal case others should ignore increased risks, including those to the gestation on the health of the mother?

Seems to be a common theme amongst a lot of posters here.

Also regarding these anecdotes, just because you know someone with an older dad and everything appears fine, doesn't mean it is. You don't know how that person feels. In my close friend group, all the Dads are in their 60s while mine is 80. If asked they would probably say about me:

"My friend's dad is 80 and it's totally fine, he was a great Dad and they had a great relationship. He's in a nursing home now, but she turned out fine and doesnt seem traumatised by it."

These friends with their active, involved dads have no idea what it feels like to essentially lose your dad in your 20s (to dementia). They take for granted many normal things that I have missed out on. Yes I love my Dad but I wish he'd had me at least 10 years younger. I wish I could have got a decent run into adulthood before I needed to start supporting him.

IcedPurple · 18/06/2019 11:47

Why are people talking about IVF? It has nothing to do with this discussion. If you want to discuss the risks and ethical issues of IVF, why not start a thread?

Sakura7 · 18/06/2019 11:58

Also there are other major risks aside from birth defects associated with older fathers, so its not really comparable with IVF. The main one being that parent dying or having a serious illness while the child is still young. Potentially placing a burden of care on a child or young adult that they are not equipped for, and that could impact their future (e.g. not going to college in order to care for dad).

Single parents are different. The child won't suffer the death of a father they never had. They won't feel a responsibility to care for an elderly parent while they're young themselves. Often single mothers will enter relationships and the partner will become a father figure, so the kids are not necessarily missing out.

User8888888 · 18/06/2019 12:17

You have to plan for the worst really. You do have a large age gap and that will affect your life as well as any children. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. You are young enough to make things work fine but statistics are not on your psrtner’s side despite him being fit.

My parents in their early 70s would simply not cope having teens. They are too out of touch, have poor health, are getting increasingly insular in outlook. It would be horrid for a teenager growing up in those circs.

TruthOnTrial · 18/06/2019 12:24

I know why you are using ivf as a comparison Whitecat, but you are making comment on why ivf shouldn't necessarily be available, not on whether you think an elderly/geriatric male sperm is a high risk phenomenon and therefore perhaps ill-advised.

Based on your comparison with ivf, are you saying that entering into becoming an elderly/geriatric father is also ill-advised?

HairyToity · 18/06/2019 12:58

Personal decision. One of my friends has two children with an older father. He was 49 with the first, 51 with the second. If you decide to breed with him I wouldn't hang around.

WhiteCat1704 · 18/06/2019 13:00

TruthOnTrial I'm comparing due to risk of abnormalities being cited as a reason not to have babies at 54.
I don't think it's a valid argument as statistics should not be deciding factor when having children. Increased risk of abnormalities is ovarall still very low in IVF babies AND for babies with older dads. There is some research out there suggesting children of older fathers live longer due to telomeres in sperm getting longer as men age..

Personally I think an older men in a stable financial situation who is emotionally mature and wants to have a child later in live can be a great father and have happy, well adjusted children.

TruthOnTrial · 18/06/2019 13:10

Personally I think an older men in a stable financial situation who is emotionally mature and wants to have a child later in live can be a great father and have happy, well adjusted children.
Not qualities for advocating increased risk...
To babies
To women

It equally applies to all ages of fathers that are emotionally mature, loving, responsible, healthy people.

Interesting that some evidence is possibly emerging for telomeres extending off-spring life expectancy.

Still most men will be dead and that will devastate the child and potentially break a family unit, economically and socially

If you have concerns for ivf stats im not understanding why not for elderly/geriatric sperm, as the ivf actually impose a 35 year age limit (40 max).

OPs is over 50

IcedPurple · 18/06/2019 13:11

I'm comparing due to risk of abnormalities being cited as a reason not to have babies at 54.

That's only one of the risks though, and imo it's the least of it.

There's also the very real risk that the father will not live long enough to see his children reach adulthood, or that he will be incapacitated by then. And that his wife will be his carer when she is still relatively young and responsible for their children. These aren't vague, theoretical possibilities. These are scenarios which have a very high chance of happening.

Personally I think an older men in a stable financial situation who is emotionally mature and wants to have a child later in live can be a great father and have happy, well adjusted children.

I don't think you have to be in your mid 50s to be 'emotionally mature' or financially stable. In fact, many men of this age lose their jobs to younger people and have difficulty finding another.

You got a lot of cliches in these discussions - that young men are all feckless and penniless, and that middle aged men are all well-off and will automatically make great dads, even though they never bothered to do so until they were deep into middle age. In fact the OP makes no mention of her partner's financial status. For all we know he could be unemployed and in debt.

MoneyBunnyQ · 18/06/2019 13:56

Surely it's always about context! If the OP and her DP feel it's right for them having educated themselves then it probably is. Her DP is running marathons so he sounds in better shape than many 30-somethings.

Just stating an arbitrary age whereby parenthood should not be allowed is unhelpful and frankly alarming. Only anyone under 40 @RomanyQueen ??? I am 39 and only just got married having not met the right person until recently. And according to you I shouldn't be allowed to try for children?

Good luck OP Thanks

DCIRozHuntley · 18/06/2019 14:01

My dad is 54.

In the last year or two, several of his peers have had heart attacks, TIAs or been diagnosed with live-changing illnesses like cancer and diabetes. Added to that, many of his peers are now carers for their own elderly parents (which would be very hard to do with primary aged kids).

I know it is all to do with perception and personal circumstances, and the fact he's already raised DC to adulthood might make him seem older than OP's DP does, but I just can't imagine him having the energy to look after a newborn / toddler now.

IcedPurple · 18/06/2019 14:09

Her DP is running marathons so he sounds in better shape than many 30-somethings.

He may be in great shape but that doesn't change the fact that if he becomes a father now - and that's a big 'if' since one of the many issues with older fathers is that they take longer to successfuly impregnate a woman - he will be in his 70s when his child is still a teenager and his wife will only be in her early 50s.

Sure, if the couple have considered all this and still want to take their chances, by all means. But to pretend that his age has no impact just because he can run a marathon is head in the sand stuff.

candycane222 · 18/06/2019 14:16

It's always selfish to have a child OP! But lots of us have done it anyway Smile

Sakura7 · 18/06/2019 14:27

I think a useful exercise for considering the risks is to look at your own parents and their siblings. How is their health as they approach old age?

In my case, I have two parents and seven aunts and uncles:

Parent 1 - started showing signs of dementia in 60s, had stroke at 72 and dementia progressed more rapidly after that. Now 80 and in a nursing home, hasn't known who I am for years.

Parent 2 - 75 years old and her main problem is mental health, though that has been present most of her life. Physically, she has arthritis and finds it difficult to walk for more than a few minutes. She also has high cholesterol and high blood pressure, which she takes medication for.

Uncle 1 - Got cancer at 58 and beat it, but was left with ongoing health complications. Got ill at 69 and died from pneumonia.

Uncle 2 - Major heart problems. Needed a quadruple bypass at 68 and lost a limb shortly after.

Uncle 3 - 72 years old and doing well. Some issues with high blood pressure and cholesterol, but nothing out of the ordinary.

Aunt 1 - developed dementia in her early 70s.

Aunt 2 - 76 years old and doing well, no major health issues. Still active and enjoys travelling, but has had to slow down recently.

Aunt 3 - died at 45 from cancer.

Aunt 4 - 70 years old and reasonably healthy.

So in my example:

  • 3 out of 9 remained healthy and active into their early 70s.
  • 2 out of 9 died before 70.
  • 4 out of 9 have significant health issues for which they require assistance.

I don't think my family is that unusual. If you widen it out to include my aunts and uncles' spouses, you get a similar picture.

If OP's partners family had a similar profile to mine, he has about a 1 in 3 chance of being healthy when the child reaches 18. Of course, most parents want to stay healthy beyond that, to see their children establish their own lives and to meet their grandchildren.

TheStruth · 18/06/2019 14:30

Not selfish I don't think but there's potential for fertility issues there.

My dad was 44 when he had me and whilst my children now will remember him, he won't see them grow into adults like my mum will. (All being well!)

IcedPurple · 18/06/2019 15:26

Do those promoting the 'age is just a number' and 'you can drop dead at any age' line never stop to think why insurance premiums rise substantially with age?

Do the people whose jobs it is to assess risk - or else they'll be seriously out of pocket - know less about such things than they do?

RollaCola84 · 18/06/2019 16:27

@MsTSwift

I must say I was baffled at her choices.... utterly sexually unattractive as so elderly...... Made me appreciate dh.....but I was very picky when choosing a husband/ father

What a thoroughly unpleasant set of things to say. Shame your DH wasn't so picky in choosing such a nasty person.

OP, my DP and I are similar ages to you and yours. I think I want children, he's not sure. I'm aware we need to get on with making a decision. You know him and your circumstances best, I think I'd go for it.

FloydWasACat · 18/06/2019 17:03

Go for it OP, if you are both happy with the idea then why not? Life does throw curveballs, but it also throws amazing opportunities your way too

Sakura7 · 18/06/2019 17:13

Life does throw curveballs

A curveball is something unpredictable and unexpected. The older parent suffering death or a life limiting illness before the child reaches maturity is a significant risk, not a "curveball".

That people don't wish to believe the facts does not make them any less true.

DrCoconut · 18/06/2019 17:59

My dad was a week short of 60 when I was born.

optimisticpessimist01 · 18/06/2019 18:15

I think its awful people are saying "your child will only have X number of years with their dad". My grandparents had my dad at a young age and both of them were dead by the time my dad was 30. It's luck of the drawer. You both sound fit and healthy, and you sound like you would making amazing, loving parents

Go for it OP, and good luck x

IcedPurple · 18/06/2019 18:49

It's luck of the drawer.

To repeat my question above: If it's all "luck of the drawer" why do the trained professionals whose job it is to assess risk charge significantly higher insurance premiums to older customers?