Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

Also to the people saying know people who were 50+ having kids, and everything is fine and they all get along well, I'd make two points:

• the older parent might be healthy while the child is young, but you don't know how that will change in 5, 10, 15 years.

• you don't know what it feels like from the child's perspective. I felt protective of my father and would laugh off the grandparent comments, but it did hurt. I would never have told him how worried I was about his age and health, because I didn't want to him to feel bad. It's a huge amount of stress to place on a child. I kept it all inside until it blew up in my adulthood and I needed therapy.

Yes I trust the views of adults who grew up with an older father, than the views of parents one of whom is older.
Kids can be very protective of their parents, so you don't necessarily know the reality from the child's point of view.

Ewwww gross. Yes. Unless he’s a millionaire and can afford to fund the child despite being old and ill or dead.

Go for it. My grandad had my. Mum at 30 but died atll 43. So my mum only had 13 yrs with him. Never know what life throws at you.

You can never know what will come for a person - illness, death, crippling accents. These can hit anyone from any age, so I don't really consider them good arguments not to have children at an older age. My dad was 53 when I was born, and 55 when my sister came into the world. He died with Parkinsons when I was 32 but you know what? I had 30 solid years with him when he was fit and healthy. He was fit as an ox until he hit 80 when the Parkisons really set in, people would always mistake him for being 10-20 years younger than he was. He was the absolute best father; we went camping, caving, hiking, mountaineering. I had an extremely active childhood and I remember my time with him so very fondly.

It's all down to the person him/herself. OP if your partner feels healthy and fit enough to be a hands on good father than he is absolutely not too old. Good luck and all the baby dust for you!

accents? hah! accidents.

And to add - I never once felt shame that my dad was so much older than my friends' dads. Nobody really ever made grandpa comments to me, or if they did they didn't hurt and I cannot remember them. Each dad is different, each child is different.

All these "I know someone who dropped dead at 40" comments are really missing the bigger picture. Yes it happens but the likelihood is slim. Obviously someone at 35 has a much better chance of remaining healthy for the next 20 years than a 55 year old does. That's just a basic fact, backed up by medical evidence.

Each dad is different, each child is different.

This is totally true, and none of us know the OP’s husband like she does. I think it’s fair enough to offer a range of outcomes though, as she might have a sense of which might ring true. Threads like this so often wang on about playing football with toddlers and there’s just so much more to it than that. I am parenting a teenager at the moment and it’s such hard work. And it was entirely too much for my parents, even allowing for the cultural gap that we had. And so often I read threads on here rightly pointing out how much even young adults need parents. I never had that, and it’s a much more likely outcome, through illness or death, the older the parent when their child is born.

The big difference to now from my childhood is how much more common older parents are, and how much more in common they are likely to have with their children. But older parenting just won’t suit some people.

Sakura, hello to another child of older parents. I remember what a thrill it was the first time it happened to me as a child.

My sister is 14, I'm 30, same mum and dad and my dad is 20 years older than my mum. He's 74 and my 14 year old sister is having to watch him get frail and we think he may be getting dementia. It's all well and good when you're 55 or 60 and healthy but it's a very different story dealing with a teen in your 70s. I really feel for my sister. No one should be seeing their dad like that at 14. I also used to get comments from other kids at school mockingly asking if he was my grandad so God knows what comments she must have had.

It actually makes me really upset with my parents (mum especially) that her want and need for a child was more important than the child dealing with her dads old age and early death

My dad was 54 when I was born. He was fit and healthy but that didn't stop the kids in primary school mistaking him for my grandad and telling me he would die because he was old.

I used to have nightmare that he would die and leave me. Sadly they were right, my dad had a stroke when I was 14 and died when I was 17.

My mum was 40 when I was born but got cancer at the same time my dad was unwell, I ended up an orphan at 22.

I'm 45 and my husband is 60. When we got together about 12 years ago we considered having a child together but I couldn't do it. I loved my mum and dad and they were wonderful but I couldn't knowingly out a child at risk of going through the pain I did...

@BlueSkiesLies how can it gross unless you are rich? I'm confused. I would assume a majority of people with small children would be prudent enough to take out some kind of life insurance or one off payment however small to help them if they should die young.
Having two older as opposed
to one older patents isnt the same thing though. The child woildnt be left destitute of just one died as they would her they younger to care for them.

A question about a person potentially having a hotter time with their father due to their birth at at fathers increased age had to compared to the following.

People tend to live longer lives always.historically(Not that ling ago) people were dying in their 50s and 60s). Children born in people's late 20s in the 40s often were loosing their parents when they were in their 50s or 60s.. People were having 30ish years with their children. Nowadays people live longer.its not uncommon to live into the mid 80s. Having baby at 55 would see a similar period of time spent with offspring.
In a case where a father might die leaving a child fatherless, how is this different tobthe thousands od cases of women whovevery uear undergo fertility treatment as single womento become pregnant by donors as they have opted to be line mothers. Uou font ned two parents.

Children are frequently brought up perfectly well and happily by one parent in the event of abandonment or separation by a partner.again two parents aren't a prerequisite.

Some points in here I feel are being made like we live a long time ago. If you and your partner feel it's for you, you are in the same position as thousands of other couples. Maybe talk it over with a doctor/reproduction professional asap to discuss real factors salient to your case and see how then fits with you.

Interesting how different the responses are on this thread to the 47 year old mother asking if she should have another.

You could also compare threads like this to the many threads that go "I have a terrible partner/husband and I just found out I'm pregnant, what should I do?". The replies are always hundreds of "dump the man and keep the baby". Or for an OP who hasn't found a partner but wants to become a parent - "try sperm donation". Not sure why it's fine for a baby to have an abusive, unwilling or unknown father, but a 54 year old father is just too much.

We have had a couple of "funny moments", like the time a lady at breakfast in a hotel tapped my son on the shoulder and whispered to him "I just thought I'd let you know that your grandad has his jumper on inside out" grin They were far from embarrassed, they laughed like drains for hours and it still gets brought up and laughed at now.

The thing is, it may be funny for the parents but it can be mortifying for the child to think that people think your dad is your grandad. It happened a lot to me. When you’re a child you want your parents to be like everyone else’s parents. You don’t want to be different.

Isitmybathtimeyet It is nice to be able to talk to people on here who know what it's like, as it's just so alien to my friends.

Upuntilrecently I agree. I'll get flamed for this, but a lot of parents are so consumed by their own desire for a child, that they don't think about the impact on the child. Or, as evidenced on this thread, they bury their heads in the sand and choose to believe they'll live happily and healthily til they're 95. It's just not grounded in reality. I feel for your little sister.

Coffee2sugars So sorry that happened to you, I can't imagine what it must have been like to lose them both so young

I would say definitely go for it OP if it's what you both want. DS is 15 now and DH is 67 and they are extremely close.

The only thing I would say is that there are certain things that DH simply doesn't understand about teenagers. He navigated childhood very well, but DS's teenage years are so far removed from his own that there's occasionally moments where he's utterly bewildered by it.

You know what I think it's fine you should go for it, you are a good age at 34 to have a baby and you never know he may live until 100, so it's fine.

The issue is not just life expectancy. The vast majority of people have years of a decline in physical and cognitive health long before they die. One of my parents is 76 and is showing signs of early dementia and can not be left alone for long after nearly starting a major fire in the house. They will probably live for another 10 years, but needing increasing care.
But as I said earlier this is about your attitude to risk. If you are happy to ignore the risks of death or major illness while your child is still young, plus the increased risk of your baby being disabled, and gamble that your DH will live to a 100 being healthy and fit and your baby will be fine, go ahead.

Definitely not too old. Back in the day my father was late 50's when sister was born. He wasn't hands on but then not as many dads were back then. My friends Dh was 58 when youngest was born. He's a great hand on dad. I see a dad at school pick up who is even older so must have been early 60's when his dd was born. He's still fresh. You're younger and that's the main thing as it's your body doing the hard work til baby arrives. Do not let his age be a factor in your decision if you both want to have a baby. Hope you're back on soon with a Line Eyes thread

I think it's too old, but that's just my opinion.
I think you need to be pre 40 tbh.
I've seen several friends lose their father before their 20's, because they had geriatric parents. I find it utterly selfish.

My dad was 64 when I was born, and died when I was 18. He was a wonderful father, and I'm 43 now and remember him clearly. It's not too old.

My mum had me when she was 19, she died when I was 17.

Who knows what will happen, if your in a strong and stable relationship I don’t see why you shouldn’t have a child if it’s what you both want. If he were 10 years older it would be pause for thought as he possibly wouldn’t see his child through to adulthood however at 54 (if in decent health) chances are good that your DC would be an adult before losing a parent.

I wholeheartedly agree with sakura and bathtime. My father was 51 when I was born, and he was a much loved and decent man who lived to be 98. However, the whole cultural reference thing being missing, being mistaken for my grandfather etc was mortifying as a child. My upbringing was weird and lacking and has scarred me permanently.

@Miatunnel, will this be your DH’s first child or does he have children from a previous relationship? Are his parents both still alive and in good health? Do you have an extended family around you?

I know several friends who were only children and found the responsibilities of helping to care for an elderly father then a grieving, lonely mother was very tough. I know one of them wishes her parents had had her at least 10 years younger.

The thing is, it may be funny for the parents but it can be mortifying for the child to think that people think your dad is your grandad. It happened a lot to me. When you’re a child you want your parents to be like everyone else’s parents. You don’t want to be different.

I can assure you that my 17 and 20yr olds were not in the least bit traumatised, mortified or embarrassed. And apart from the fact that DH is totally grey and occasionally wears his jumper inside out, he looks like all the other middle aged parents.

My parents were young. They were hideous, Violent and neglectful. Age is not an indication of ideal parenting.