Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

My grandparents have Great Grandchildren the same age as their Grandchildren which is amusing They all get along really well.

My Grandparents are late 70s and if they live to the same ages of their parents, will be late 90s when they die. So hopefully lots of time with their younger DGC.

Interesting how different the responses are on this thread to the 47 year old mother asking if she should have another. Obviously she has the issues of the pregnancy and birth, which don’t apply here, but so much more positivity on here about older parents.

To be contrary of course, my father was 66 when my mother died, when I was a teenager. He told people he was too old to parent, so didn’t. He wasn’t the best of father’s. Who knows how different he would have been if he’d been 10/20 years younger?

And to say that people can die at any age. Yes, of course they can, and do. But it is a real and actual fact that they are more likely to do so the older they get. The risk of your child losing a parent young is unarguably higher when you are older. It happened to me.

Honestly, I think it's too old. In situations like this there's lots of what ifs and there are so many ways it could go, but there's too many negative routes if you ask me.

Financial security would be my main concern. It's whether finances in the future will be ok to take the strain of a family with one earner. Be that as a result of illness, reduced income from a pension or death.

When DH retires I will be the sole earner for the household, but our children are still school age and coming to the most expensive stage . We have made provisions for this (and neither of us are high earners) but it is something that has to be thought of.

Two things -
Sperm deteriorates and that mean there is an increased risk of disabilities as the father ages.
There is an increased risk you will be bringing up your child alone as he has died, or that your child will lose their father as a young adult.

Everyone has a different approach to risk. I would not have a child in this circumstance, but other people also have children in circumstances I would not. The increased risk of disability in particular would concern me as I would really want to avoid that. I have worked with families who have severely disabled kids so am more aware of the realities with the sheer amount of work for many years these families have. But others choose to have a baby when the risk of a disability is high.
So IMO it depends on your attitude to risk.

BUT ignore those saying there is no difference to having a baby when the father is 25 or 30, that is wishful thinking.

And yes good point about the finances. 54 a lot of people are still very healthy with no medical issues. But things can change a lot in the next 10 years. So if at 64 he could no longer work full time, would you be okay financially? What about 70 when your baby would be only 17?
Also if you have any medical issues before 60, then that puts him at risk of a reduced life expectancy.

I dont think maby people on this threas understand how dying works. If you don't lose your father when he's in his 50s/60s you are highly likely to lose him in his 70s or 80s. Or start dealing w things like dementia (always fun as a teen, or as the mother of one).

My sister is 46, and her partner 54. They’ve been trying for a baby for 18 months. Nothing’s happening

No offence but nothing is going to happen (other than perhaps a couple of "chemical" pregnancies that result in early miscarriage. If they really want kids, it's IVF with donor eggs asap.

Sorry to be so blunt but ...

Interesting how different the responses are on this thread to the 47 year old mother asking if she should have another. Obviously she has the issues of the pregnancy and birth, which don’t apply here, but so much more positivity on here about older parents.

Yes, I was thinking that too. A lot of the posts on here seem to be starting from the premise that it's fine because OP, as the mum, would be the parent who actually did things and she's still quite young.

My husband father died in this year and was in his 40's so fk it whether he dies at 80 for old age or 40 from cancer at the end of the day you never know what will happen .

(Or adoption).

And before MN goes off on one about adoption not being easy or everyone's cup of tea. I know that, but I also know couples who've success fully adopted and are happy they have

Yes, in my twenties I had an elderly frail father, living on a pension. I was buying essentials for him on my first salary. I had no parenting myself obviously. He was retired when I was 15, not through choice, but because he lost one job and no one wanted to employ a 65 year old.

Also, and I do think this is probably different now, because there are more older parents and the generational gap is smaller, but I was quite the weirdo in school because my parents brought me up with very few cultural reference points in common with my peers. No pop music in our house. We had Glenn Miller. My parents were born before WW2 and had very different outlooks to my friends’ parents. We did very little exercise because my parents were exhausted. And they could NOT begin to understand a teenager. Teenagers weren’t even a thing when they were one! I was written off as unbearable for things that are described as totally the norm now.

It’s taken a lot of therapy to work through it all a bit. But as I said I think that’s a lot less likely to happen now.

My father was always a strong healthy man. Until he was 70. Then he got cancer and the next 5 years saw him deteriorate until he died. While life expectancy has risen, getting cancer is much more likely in your 70s than when you were younger.

If he had had me at 54, I would have been in my teens when this happened. It isn't something I'd want to put a teen through.

My DH is an older Dad. We have teens and younger children. The youngest is 3. He was 57 when DD was born.

For us it was fine, but it would not be for all couples. Think about whether your DH is fit, healthy and has a young outlook does he?

An older Dad can be a real asset if he has the right mindset, where as an older Dad with a pensioner mindset would not be an asset.

Yes I do think it's a bit old, but it depends on the individual. If I had left waiting till later life to have kids and I really wanted them then I would have them and make it work.

There are no guarantees in life my sil was 41 when she died suddenly leaving an 18,9 and 2_yr old, I have a child with a rare chromosome disorder ( most pre natal tests don't test for chromosome deletion ,duplications etc) who subsequently has complex disabilities,I was 36 and dh was 34 when he was born its the luck of the draw sometimes

I had my fourth baby when I was 28. My daughter had her last baby when she was 40. Just from the energy point of view, I don't envy her having a 15 year old when she is 55. I think it's up to you and your husband to decide, but knowing how quickly my energy declined after age 60, I'd think very hard!

I'm not sure half of the posters on this thread understand how death or statistics work.

Anyway, go for it. You can be a crap parent at any age, you can die at any age, you can have a child with a disability at any age, life's a risk.

Yes I think it's too old. There was a thread on here the other day about a woman wanting a baby at 47 and everyone was deriding her for being unbelievably selfish.

Just because a man can father a child at 54 doesn't mean he should

Yes people can die at any age, But statistically as you get older, you are far more likely to die. You are also far more likely to get age related illnesses such as dementia and arthritis.
But your baby will also have an increased risk of disability.

Interesting how different the responses are on this thread to the 47 year old mother asking if she should have another. Obviously she has the issues of the pregnancy and birth, which don’t apply here, but so much more positivity on here about older parents.

If it's the thread I am thinking of, the woman already had a few DCs.

This is OP's only chance to have a baby if she stays with this partner so it's a very different situation.

And yes the reality is that mum tends to be the more involved parent in most families, at least in the early years, so having a much older mother would have more of an impact on DCs if she has health problems.

My answer would be yes it is too old. Children require a lot of energy and a man in his 60s won't have the energy to deal with a teenager. You may find yourself caring for a lively teen and an old man, not an attractive prospect.

Yes, in my twenties I had an elderly frail father, living on a pension. I was buying essentials for him on my first salary. I had no parenting myself obviously. He was retired when I was 15, not through choice, but because he lost one job and no one wanted to employ a 65 year old.

Also, and I do think this is probably different now, because there are more older parents and the generational gap is smaller, but I was quite the weirdo in school because my parents brought me up with very few cultural reference points in common with my peers. No pop music in our house. We had Glenn Miller. My parents were born before WW2 and had very different outlooks to my friends’ parents. We did very little exercise because my parents were exhausted. And they could NOT begin to understand a teenager. Teenagers weren’t even a thing when they were one! I was written off as unbearable for things that are described as totally the norm now.

It’s taken a lot of therapy to work through it all a bit. But as I said I think that’s a lot less likely to happen now.

I can relate to this Isitmybathtimeyet - it mirrors my experience almost word for word. My Dad was 45 when I was born and I was his first (Mum already had my sister from a previous relationship). He was a good person and did his best but there was such a huge generational gap. When Mum (4 years younger than him) got very ill when I was 11, Dad really struggled and my sister basically took over.

By the time I was 20, Dad was displaying the early signs of dementia. I'm now in my 30s, he's in his 80s and living in a nursing home. It's hard and none of my friends can relate, as their parents are still reasonably fit and healthy. The main difference I see is that I have been providing support to my parents since I was a teenager, while my friends' parents are still providing support to them now (e.g. emotional support, babysitting, financial help, etc). It does affect you. And yes I know nobody can know how life will turn out and some people die young, but you have to look at the probability. How healthy is your DH likely to be at 70 when parenting a 15 year old?

I don't mean to be unkind to anyone, but this has been my experience and it's tough. I have also had counselling to deal with the fact that I wasn't really able to have a normal childhood and had to worry about my parents from a young age.

And I would absolutely consider 54 too old to start trying too. Realistically that means 55 or even 56 by the time that baby is born. I’ve posted about my FIL before, but he was in his 50s when DH was born and it has had a real impact on DH. He never learnt to swim or ride a bike because by the time he was old enough to learn, his DF was in his 60s and didn’t have the energy. He didn’t really have friends because his DPs didn’t take him to play dates or have friends over as they felt awkward about the age gap. All in all, it was a very isolating childhood.

That's a real shame but that sounds like a personality problem rather than an age one. 60 isn't old.

DH is 67 and we have a 17yr old. He is, and always has been, a fit and healthy, active, involved parent. He isn't "too old" to understand his sons, to play sports with them, to be a fully hands on dad at every stage of their lives. He has been more involved with our children than some of our much younger friends have ever been with theirs. They have a fabulous relationship, full of fun and joy.

Being a parent isn't about age. There are good and bad parents of all ages, people die at all ages and for all sorts of reasons. We have lost a few friends in recent years in their 40's to cancer. In our case we had children late because of infertility on my part (I was 41 when I finally fell pregnant after 17yrs of trying).

We have had a couple of "funny moments", like the time a lady at breakfast in a hotel tapped my son on the shoulder and whispered to him "I just thought I'd let you know that your grandad has his jumper on inside out" They were far from embarrassed, they laughed like drains for hours and it still gets brought up and laughed at now.

DH's father was 57 (MIL was 40) when he was born, and similar experiences to those of sakura and isitbathtimeyet. In their 20s DH & his sister began dealing with the issues of aging parents - dementia, stroke, cardiac disease, care home etc. DH's parents have always been people we needed to look after, not people who offer support to us with our young family etc.