Is 54 too old to father a child???

[Miatunnel]

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

Not to mention increased risks to mother

I'm sure you can both offer a lot to a child, so no, i don't think it's selfish.

Two things I'd want sorted out/would need to consider before TTC.

1. Make the best financial provisions you can i, i.e. good life insurance for you both, debts paid off, etc. It's common sense for any prospective parents, but even more essential if one parent is on the older side.

1. Consider what will happen if your DH needs care later in life He'll be 55 if you have a baby next year and it would be very hard for a 25-year-old, for example, to be caring/worrying about an 80-year-old when few of their friends are going through a similar experience. Caring for a frail parent is hard at any age, but most people aren't prepared for it in their 20's. I lost a parent in my 20's, way before any of my peers and it was hard.

Good luck!

Lower birth weight by less than an ounce.

......So my ds would have been 8lb 15oz rather than 9ib !

And rather than quoting the percentages, look at the actual risk. 14% increase on 1 in 600,000 is 1.14 in 600,000

Thats an average across vast population sample, and you had a big baby, but it also ignores other significantly increased risks, ones that aren't part of that excerpt previously mentioned.

DH has 4 kids. 2 from ex wife and 2 with me. DH and i have 21 year age gap. DH and i are very alike much more so than anyone I've ever met my own age. He is in his 60s and has a very youthful outlook on life. In the past 6 months he's been to two pop concerts alone🙄.
His first child was born when he was 31 with the second shortly after. He never had very much time with them. Was madly trying to build a career and totally engrossed. ExW and he divorced, he and I had 13year old and were very desperate for another child. We tried extensively and then went through fertility treatment a few times (because of me). Ended up with a baby born when he was 62.
He says it is the best time to have a child and he has enjoyed his time more than with any of the other experiences. He is more settled and less pressured to have to work his way up and achieve greater status at work. He feels confident at work and relaxed in himself. ( he us however still clueless about childcare🙄🙄🤔😂)
He realises he will be around for less time with this child, (however in his large group of friends he has known several men who have died in accidents of sudden unexpected illnesses with young children showing you never can tell, life is unpredictable and we are all go an extent at mercy of fate).
His older children, whilst speaking to, and seeing him occasionally have moved away ad long gone. They flew far and wide by 22 years old.
I am now In my 40s. I was mid 20s when my 1st child was born and whilst I easily could be struck down tomorrow the likelihood is that I will outlive him by 20 odd years.
If you really want a child and don't have one because of a concern over his age I believe you will strongly regret it and it may make you bitter towards him later in your relationship. Regrets are a terrible thing.
Age is literally a number. you can have a 50 year old who behaves like they are 20 with that as their mind set of one who is mentally 70.

I don't think you have any problem here and from experience is say go for it. Weigh up things like your mentalities etc.
If it helps, I had my baby at a hospital specialising I complex births due to a complex medical condition, they also treat a lot of older mothers. By older I mean "much" (can't do italics) older. There were couple who had undergone fertilitytreatmentwith women in late 50s and men in their late 60s(either that or they looked like life hadn't treated them well). There wàsnt an isolated case, there were several.(I suspect they may have had foreign treatment as I'm not sure it would happen in the UK?) The majority of mothers in my hospitals were 37+ and older partners aren't as uncommon as you might think.
Hope this helps.😘

These figures were also for fathers 10 yrs younger than ops dp

Regarding possible problems arising from older fathers. Because we had fertility treatment in the end and saw a Dr who works on a lot of research work many of these issues were gone through. With proper screening sperm quality can be assesed. Strangely shaped sperm or strangely acting sperm is more likely to result in offspri g with some kind of issues. Sperm testing will be able to tell you what the quality is like. If there are suspected issues that really worry you, although the chances of there being a problem are really minor ICSI is an option. It is believed there is an element of slight heredity in ASD so sperm quality is not entirely yo blame I might add. I would always recommend a panorama test yo all pregnant women for peace of mind against chromosomal abnormalities anyway as the NHS screening process is terribly unreliable.

In short dont let this put you off.54 is not old .

It's not ideal but if your position I would go for it. I wouldn't let a man's decision not to have kids earlier take away my chance at a family.

My DH was 43 when I had dc1. I would have liked to have a younger baby daddy, but no one else was offering. So it was that or nothing. I'm sure when dc grow up they may wish that they had a younger dad. Well that's tough luck. They will probably also wish that they had richer parents, better looking ones, and less socially awkward ones. They don't. They will probably also wish they had water to drink, clean air to breath and land to live on that isn't flooded by rising sea levels. They won't get a lot of things they may have wished for.

Go for it!

My dad was 46 when he died. I was 19.

You never know how long you have your parents. I had 19 great years with my dad. Of course I wish I had longer, but such is life & I'm lucky to had a wonderful dad for the time I did.

Age wise, not at all selfish. Many people don't even have involved dads, so it's really fine :)

All the very best to you!

No. Sorry, but no. People saying “well we had our baby when DH was 64 and it’s been fine” are frankly burying their heads in the sand. Yes, some people’s parents die whilst they are young, regardless of the parents’ age, but you are pretty much guaranteeing this will happen to your child.

And I would absolutely consider 54 too old to start trying too. Realistically that means 55 or even 56 by the time that baby is born. I’ve posted about my FIL before, but he was in his 50s when DH was born and it has had a real impact on DH. He never learnt to swim or ride a bike because by the time he was old enough to learn, his DF was in his 60s and didn’t have the energy. He didn’t really have friends because his DPs didn’t take him to play dates or have friends over as they felt awkward about the age gap. All in all, it was a very isolating childhood.

You can’t just think about him being in good shape now at 54. You have to think about what shape he’ll be in at 70 with a 15 year old. At when that child is 30, he’d be 85. The odds are overwhelmingly against him still being around for that child getting married, for the birth of grandchildren - it’s not just about whether or not he can gather a child now but whether you are in the best position to offer that child support throughout the milestones of their early life.

I think as long as you are both wanting a child it's fine, but please do some research on the risks. Men's sperm quality deteriorates so it's best to get as much information as you can first.

My husband was 53 when we had our youngest. It wasn't intended but were head several years of secondary infertility (mine). Practically its been lovely, he's a great dad and husband, really hands on with kids, still has loads of energy, and shares all housework/admin. In his younger years, even at 40 he was still a bit of a hellraiser, went clubbing every weekend etc. We had our eldest when he was 44 and I'd say he just wasn't ready until then. So the kids have really got the best of him.

As for defects, our youngest is NT. Eldest does have HF ASD and ADHD though, but it's in my side of the family so he likely got it from me.

The only real downside has been the underlying worry of how long we'll be around for them and in good health, especially the youngest. I was days away from 40 when she was born. I remain of the view that it's not ideal to have kids so late in life.But what's done is done and we'll make the best of it. They have brought us so much joy!

There’s a reason why medically men were designed like this.

If you’re happy, go for it

My dad was 43 when he got married and 44 when I was born and 55 when my youngest sister was born my dad and mum celebrated their golden wedding a couple of years ago, my youngest sister is now 40 my dad is still around
My DH was 49 when DD was born
If all your partner's family are healthy and lived well go for it, I might hesitate if they all died of heart failure before 60 though

My mum was born when her dad was 54. He was the best grandad, was alive until I was 10 or so. Her dad when he died, but being older when your child is born is no guarantee you’ll die sooner than anyone else’s parents.

I think it is too old. But then I am 34 and my Mum and Dad are younger than your partner.

What is it you're concerned about? Risk of dying young, likelihood of spending less time together, energy or decreasing sperm quality with age?

Energy is very personal. Some 54 year olds do objectively feel more energetic than 30 year olds. I felt too old for any more kids when I was 5 years younger than you. Others could deal with toddlers much older. The other three, it's a clear increase in risk but the issue is how you feel about it. No one right answer.

My dad was 41 when i was born. I only had 23 years with him so it can happen whatever age the parents are.

@SerenDippitty that's interesting I didn't know that older fathers more likely to father daughters with autistic spectrum and neurological conditions. My DP was 49 when my youngest daughter was born and she has Tourette Syndrome.

I'm 36, partner is 55 we have a 2 year old together and are expecting our second together who is due on Saturday.

We're happy. I would go for it. :)

My dad was 56 and my mum 37 when they had me. If you both want children then go for it.

My Dad was 54 when he had his youngest child. They had a great a relationship. Dad died at 97 and was a healthy active man till the last year. He said having an unexpected (mum was well into her forties) bonus child kept him young. Go for it OP.

You can have a child at 50 and live to 103, as my great grandmother did.

@Aquamarine1029 Without wishing to blow a hole in your family history, that's very old to conceive naturally. Is it possible that she had a fertile unmarried daughter (or even niece) who got pregnant and the baby was passed off as being a very late surprise arrival for your GGM? It was a common way to avoid the shame of being an unmarried mother.

My Uncle had both his children in his 50s, with his DW who was in her mid 30s at the time.