Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 54 too old to father a child???

297 replies

Miatunnel · 17/06/2019 00:04

Hi
I’m 34 and my partner is 54. We have been together for 5 years and we are both happy. I have always wanted a massive family but due to things happening we couldn’t even think about starting a family until now.

He always wanted children when he was younger but wrote of the idea until now.

We are both fit and healthy but I realise even if I got pregnant right now my partner would be 73 when the child is 18.
Is it selfish to have a child?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/06/2019 11:57

Why do so many people say age is just a number? That's just a ridiculous thing to say when considering whether a man in his 50s should consider having a child.

OldGrinch · 17/06/2019 12:00

I had eldest DC when I was aged 35 and DP was 45. Second DC born when I was 40 and DP 49. We are both older parents and it's hard. DP is now 60 and becoming a grumpy old man. I agree that 60 isn't old but he seems older than his years. None of this was planned, I would have loved to have the opportunity to be a younger parent but never met the right person until I was in my 30s. DP has health issues now and having tests, might possibly be early signs of Parkinson's. I am terrified of being sole earner with two teenage DC. I am an education support worker and don't earn a lot and DP only has a small pension. With this in mind we did make some provisiont in that our house and mortgage are fully paid off so at least we will have a roof over our heads, but the future looks grim. I look at colleagues who are paying for their DC to have University accommodation, cars and driving lessons and deposit for buying their own home and there is absolutely no way we could ever afford to do that Sad

HerondaleDucks · 17/06/2019 12:01

My father was 55 when I was conceived.
I wouldn't say it made a big deal for me growing up other than he was retired very early in my life.
He's 83 now and failing in health and I am 27.
I am non contact with him for personal reasons but I do see him being in a care home soon.

TeaForDad · 17/06/2019 12:07

I wouldn't

ittakes2 · 17/06/2019 12:09

My uncle had two children in his early 60s - kept him young as he had to keep working!

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 17/06/2019 12:10

Better a good dad in his fifties than a crap one three decades younger.

Infamy · 17/06/2019 12:13

My dad was 59 when I was born and he was the most amazing father with time and patience for us. He died when I was 18 and I miss him every day but I’d chose those 18 years with him over a younger dad without the benefit of his time, love, patience and wisdom.

twoforluck · 17/06/2019 12:16

My dad was 65 when i was born, he died at 80 when i was 16 which was of course devastating, but i wouldnt swap him for the world. He had endless patience and time and appreciated having a child so much and i think that was because of his age. He was my best friend growing up. However he was super fit and active even at 80! More so than i am now at 38!

bobstersmum · 17/06/2019 12:25

Our youngest is 2 and dh is 52. I am 38. I would go for it.

IcedPurple · 17/06/2019 12:31

Something missing from this discussion is the age gap between the OP and her man.

If you have a baby in the next year or so, he or she will be entering thier teens when you're pushing 50 - ie still reasonably young - and your partner will already be in his 70s. Would you want that? Age gaps are fine when even the older partner is still relatively young and healthy, but when he (it's nearly always a he) is actually old rather than older, then it's very different.

I wouldn't do it but it's up to you. Ultimately, you have to decide. If you love this man and want a baby, then you might feel all the negatives are worth it. I don't think this is something which random strangers on Mumsnet can really help you with.

Whosorrynow · 17/06/2019 12:34

If I was 34 I don't think I'd want old man sperm fertilizing my young eggs

TruthOnTrial · 17/06/2019 12:35

It really isnt about hiw perfect or otherwise the father is though is it,as they cime in all ages and totally misses the point.

This is about choosing to have dc to a father over 45, actually over 50.

Losing a parent is one of the top most devastating things that can happen to a child (no matter their age, but during developmental years, exams, teen agnsts and insecurities etc, well, obvious).

More people die older than younger its just a fact. Failing health, etc.

Its a massive consideration, undertaking, and worthy of researching properly.

Sorry Flowers pp for your loss, and for those left alone to parent/become carer for their partner. Its something you can choose to acknowledge/accept for yourself, but is quite the consideration for any young dc to face.

PaddyF0dder · 17/06/2019 12:35

To each their own. Good luck.

Parenthood is exhausting, particularly during the baby/toddler years. I struggle and I’m in my late 30s. Can’t imagine doing it in my 50s.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/06/2019 12:37

@Whosorrynow Good for you Hmm

Whosorrynow · 17/06/2019 12:38

When his health starts to fail he has you, a woman in the prime of her life bound to him by your mutual child
it's a win-win for him isn't it

SemperIdem · 17/06/2019 12:54

I’m 30, my ex husband is 49. Our child has just turned 4. He’s a very good dad, he has a wonderful bond with our child and in return is utterly adored.

He wouldn’t have been the “kick a football round” sort of dad had his only child been born when he was significantly younger. Not his way. Will almost certainly teach our child to play cricket though Grin

So in short - go for it. Obviously my marriage didn’t pan out but I can’t deny that he’s a great dad.

SemperIdem · 17/06/2019 12:55

Who

“bound to him by your shared child” Hmm

That is true of any relationship where there is a child. Also true is that divorce exists.

bassackwards · 17/06/2019 13:03

My DH was 53 when our first DC was born. I was 35. She's just under 2 now. We're both knackered!! But it's a loving happy household and we wouldn't have it any other way :)

TheSoapyFrog · 17/06/2019 13:19

My dad and his wife are of similar ages and they have 2 children. My dad is exhausted but doesn't feel too old

lily2403 · 17/06/2019 13:22

Go for it, life to short to worry about what other people think. Its up to you two and you two alone

good luck

lily2403 · 17/06/2019 13:23

@Whosorrynow

you sound like an ass

avocadochocolate · 17/06/2019 13:39

My DP was 54 when DC1 was born and 56 when DC2 was born.

I was 35 and 37. DP is in good health. I am not.

Seeleyboo · 17/06/2019 13:40

Ask yourself. Would I regret having a child and than ask would I regret never having one. This is how I made my decisions to have 2 more children at 43 and 45. Goodluck OP

PaddyF0dder · 17/06/2019 13:52

@Whosorrynow

“When his health starts to fail he has you, a woman in the prime of her life bound to him by your mutual child
it's a win-win for him isn't it”

How needlessly unpleasant.

There is something wrong with you.

Saavhi · 17/06/2019 13:58

My dad was 40 when he had me and my twin brother (parents had difficulty conceiving). Even though he was only slightly older than the other dads I was very self-conscious of his age. Doesn't help that he is a slightly old soul.