Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

He uses humour in awkward situations? Well first of all what he said wasn't humorous, so I would be asking him what exactly he thought was finny about what he said. Secondly he was the only one who made it awkward so I would also point that out to him.
I would still go meet your friend at softplay, not her fault her dh is a dick I suppose, but if you think it will be weird just cancel. Who cares what thamey think or how they feel now.

I'm glad all your friends supported you. Jack is an arse and now he knows how your real friends felt about what he said.

Jack went to school with DH. We have always got on well and I always liked Anna but since they became parents they have changed. I know everyone does when they have children it's impossible to be the same person but they're now very judgemental and preachy about parenting. It's never bothered me really but I have noticed their attitudes towards other parents choices and couples without children change. Anna has said a few times about DS being an only child being a shame but hasn't since my previous miscarriage. Im probably already outed with this now but oh well- I had a termination when DH and I had been together a couple of months and she asked me if I felt guilty about that after I had one of my miscarriages and said she would torture herself thinking it was like a punishment for getting rid of one baby. Thinking about them now I am unsure if I'd miss their friendship!

Anna hasn't contacted me. DH thinks I should tell Jack to fuck off with his shitty apology. I don't know if I should just ask him to not contact me again and leave it at that.

I use humour to cope with tragedy. That is my tragedies, not someone elses. No excuse for his behaviour and his 'apology' is even worse. He should have admitted to being an arsehole and apologised unreservedly.

Sorry for your loss. Making a difficult decision not to try again doesn't lessen your loss, if anything I would think it intensifies it.

Your friends sound amazing and hubby too!

Jack sounds like the twat of the year. I hate people trying to minimise offence they’ve caused by suggesting ‘overreaction’. Yes I’d reply to Jack curtly and factually, telling him that he did offend and upset you. Don’t make any reference to other people or their reactions. Don’t take any blame upon yourself and don’t ask for a reply; just leave it there.

Jacks' a cunt. Delete and block.

And I am sorry but the fucking cheek of the man, asking you to tell everyone that what he said was nothing to be offended by when you were CLEARLY very hurt?! The ONLY correct response when you have hurt someone's feelings unintentionally is to apologise profusely. But I don't think there was anything unintentional in his behaviour.

Unforgivable thing to say, I wouldn’t reply out of kindness and self control.... because if I did I would say something like there are no words you can say to convince your friends he is not the bloody insensitive idiot who thinks this is ok and an overreaction and that I am surprised Anna had three children with such arse.

Jack is a total shit and you handled it beautifully. I’m glad your husband and other friends were also supportive. Please don’t spend a second feeling bad - you did exactly the right thing.

I wouldn’t bother replying to jacket all, but if you do, make sure you tell him he owes you a proper (non half arsed) apology and that it’s up to him to speak to your other friends, not you.

Jack is an arsewipe and Anna no better, as she said nothing and stuck with the arsewipe

That's a bit harsh. Anna and Jack had their children with them - Anna might not have wanted her children to witness their parents having an argument. Wouldn't most parents wait until their children were out of the way before starting what might be a major row?

My gast has been utterly flabbered. I read this with mouth open the whole time. @CharDee When I got to the part where Jack sent the gaslighting text (it was NOT an apology in the slightest), I put my head in my hands and said “ohhh myyy god”. He’s even trying to make you do the work for him, the weasel.

Don’t respond at all OP. It isn’t worthy of a response. And silence often speaks volumes.

OMG, your update is even worse! How DARE you she say that about your termination?! Get rid, OP, this pair are poison. Can you imagine what entitled judgey little brats they will raise?!

Jack is a cunt.

‘he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over’

Is not an apology. It’s blaming you for your reaction and asking you to convince your friends they overreacted.

I think in light of your updates I would cut them loose. I probably wouldn't reply and ghost them.

I would've punched Jack.. in his penis. You handled it a lot better than I would've. I am
so sorry you had to hear that and also for the loss of your babies.
Fuck Jack. I wouldn't give him another moments thought. If you still want to meet up with his wife I'd text her separately and steer clear of her knob of a husband.

Urgh, Anna sounds like a peach. You don't need either of those judgmental arseholes in your life.

It's not often I'm speechless 😲😲😲

So sorry for your loss

You did the right thing and were far more dignified than I think I could have been in your situation.

It sounds like your DH and the rest of your friends are lovely.

Oh god, what bloody awful people. Seize this opportunity to cut them out of your lives. The dicks.

Just read your update. They’re a matching pair. Don’t give such horrible people another thought. You have some very good friends (who left too.)

I wouldn't reply. I'd just block him with immediate effect.

I hope you are OK. As others have said you, your DH and your other friends did everything right. Jack and Anna should be ashamed of themselves.

Your other friends at the meal sound amazing.

I would see if Anna reached out to me before I even thought of meeting up with her. I know they are two seperate people but unless she makes very clear she's upset at what Jack said then it's going to be awkward. There is no defence for what Jack said.

I can't see the harm in sending Jack a text asking him to not contact you. Personally I'd just ignore his messages and block him.