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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was IBU leaving meal?

645 replies

CharDee · 16/06/2019 15:51

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

OP posts:
CharDee · 19/06/2019 21:52

He is pretty amazing! It's so funny because I had to explain to him what gaslighting meant on Sunday because he'd not heard of it and then he's been using it since and not quite getting it right. He showed me the text with a proud smile and said "Look! I used gaslight in the right context!" Grin

OP posts:
cstaff · 19/06/2019 21:53

I love your husband. He really has your back and has been fantastic. I would definitely want him on my side.

That pair of fuckwits can go and try find themselves some new friends. I'm not sure that it's going to be easy for them if that is their normal way of treating their friends.

meow1989 · 19/06/2019 21:55

WOW.

I'm late to the thread on this one but just wanted to echo what previous posters have said OP. These people are disgraceful and cruel (and completely clueless it seems). How dare Jack make this "joke". How date Anna have made the comment regarding your previous termination. They are not friends and they have shown themselves to be truly despicable.

I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were in Anna's situation; I assume I would be mortified and furious, but realistically my DH would not make such a spiteful comment to even his worst enemy.

I applaud you on your nature and restrained dealing of this and, if you can take any positives at least you have a reinforced proof that your DH and friends are wonderful people, which says a lot about you as a person too.

tobedtoMNandfart · 19/06/2019 22:00

Proof, if proof were needed, that literally all that JacktheTwat cares about is Jack ... and Jack's footy. 🤬🤦‍♀️🤬

ThanosSavedMe · 19/06/2019 22:16

Your dh is fab. Glad he and your friends have your back.

TanMateix · 19/06/2019 22:16

Great that he stood up for you. I hope that with Anna and Jack out of the picture you can put this behind you. Really, there’s no way back from something like that.

nothingtowearever · 19/06/2019 22:37

What lovely friends (not Jack) and husband you have. Jack is a twat. Hope you're ok

AuntMarch · 19/06/2019 22:49

I think I love your husband Grin

ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil · 19/06/2019 22:53

@AuntMarch
I think we're in a queue....Grin

annabelle1992 · 19/06/2019 23:25

Omg I love your husband

And yes, that was an excellent use of gaslighting :)

annabelle1992 · 19/06/2019 23:35

An interesting article about the traits of narcissists and gaslighters:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/communication-success/201707/6-common-traits-narcissists-and-gaslighters

There are a lot of crossovers between the two and from what you have said this guy Jack seems to have traits in both camps (the ultimate nightmare combo!)

It's actually a psychological problem and needs to be dealt with through therapy. However, much like point 2 of the article, these people rarely ever admit fault and go to therapy (my mum is a therapist and says the only time you can ever get a narc or gaslighter into therapy is by co-erosion e.g. I will divorce you/take custody of kids/etc if you don't go to therapy)

Graphista · 19/06/2019 23:47

Go dh!

Jacks really something else isn't he?! The sheer fucking nerve!!

ReanimatedSGB · 19/06/2019 23:58

Well done your H. I had a friend who was occasionally shockingly rude but even he wouldn't have said what Jack said and then doubled down on it the way Jack did.

(at the risk of derailing, I use the past tense about my friend because the bastard went and died, not because i went NC, but that's another story and not relevant.)

annabelle1992 · 20/06/2019 00:08

*coercion not co-erosion lol!

fargo123 · 20/06/2019 01:18

Your husband is definitely a keeper! 😀 That was a brilliant response.

Jack and Anna are complete scumbags and utterly suited to each other.

Durgasarrow · 20/06/2019 03:54

Jack's sorry--that you don't find his comments funny? No nononoononononono. What he said was vicious and shameful.

flumpybear · 20/06/2019 05:53

Brilliant message - hopefully that'll be the last of them darkening your door!!

Well rid !!

LL83 · 20/06/2019 07:55

Jack is crazy. As well as the awful words at lunch and text after now he has tried to replace/ditch dh in football then admitted this while asking him to play as a last resort!!!
He is so selfish and doesn't get it at all. He will never change you are well rid.

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/06/2019 08:35

Well done CharDee and DH. Jack is just unbelievable, the nerve!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/06/2019 11:01

If you ever get tired of your DH, can I have him? Wink

What a wonderful man ...

sneakypinky · 20/06/2019 12:24

Well done DH!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/06/2019 13:00

Your DH ROCKS!! What a response!

Good riddance to Jack'n'Anna - their loss, enormously so.

Owlbert · 20/06/2019 16:10

Your husband and friends are amazing! I hope you can now get on without the twats bothering you all again!

INeedAFlerken · 20/06/2019 17:16

Your DH is definitely a keeper.

Ninabean17 · 20/06/2019 17:44

Well done dh!!

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