Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

You were not unreasonable. That was a nasty, cruel, and vicious remark, not a 'joke'. I'm very glad that your DH and your friends had your back.

Ignore that prick.

If he wants to try (again) to tell everyone that it's nothing to get offended over, that's his prerogative, but I find it absolutely incredible he has the temerity to ask YOU to tell them that!

If Jack spoke thoughtlessly because he was 'using humour' he should have apologised when prompted. You were right to leave and as pps have said, it's great that your other friends supported you by leaving too.

Not at all unreasonable. I have autism and there are times when I say something that's meant to be funny but it comes out wrong because you don't get all the background that's in my head, but even I'd struggle to come out with some like this. And then I'd be grovelling so much....
I don't think he was being vindictive or deliberately crass, just stupid beyond belief.
I'd forgive him, but I'd avoid him for a fair while so he realised.
(Sorry you both feel so crap)

Do not reply to Jack. What a truly disgusting man. I think you acted with dignity just leaving and not making a scene/reacting. It showed your point but not in a childish way.

I think Jack clearly feels bad for what he has done and he wants validation from you that it's all ok so that your other friends accept him back into the circle.

Unless he genuinely apologises with NO "I use humour in awkward situations" excuses do not reply to him.

Don't reply to his self centered message. Let him stew.

“I use humour in awkward situations” = I act like a wanker then blame the people around me

I don't think anyone on here will say you were being unreasonable. I hope you're OK. You and your DH did the right thing.

Fucken hell what a wanker! Grade A fucking tosspot! There was no awkward situation to handle until he opened his nasty gob.

You handled it beautifully. Your dh and friends also handled it well. No way do you tell people you that it was nothing to be offended by to appease him. He was an ignorant offensive fuckwit and they realised.

Jesus, his poor wife!!!

Jack was horrible.
You did what you needed to do for your sanity.
With the exception of Jack and Anna you have good taste in friends. If all the friends who were there thought you were being unreasonable they wouldn't have left the meal to support you.
Thank your friends, distance yourself from Jack and Anna and try and enjoy the rest of the day.

I actually had my mouth open when I read what he had said!! What an absolute prick. I can't believe someone could be so insensitive. And what a shit apology.
I'm so sorry for your loss and you've got every right to be angry at the comment. I really can't understand how anyone could be so nasty

And you call him a friend? Did his wife not tell him to shut his gob? Did your husband not say anything? I will be pissed off with the lot of them.

Fucking hell, Jack is an absolute bastard! Don't reply unless you feel like telling him to go fuck himself, which would be totally justified. I would cancel meeting Anna, and ditch the pair of them.

Fuck me- that’s vile. I don’t think I could forgive him.

Just adding my support. He's an arsehole! You were totally in the right to react the way you did.

That was an incredibly insensitive thing to say.

Also, who asks adults what they got for Mother's or Father's day when not everyone buys presents at all? Many people would just do a card, a family activity, or have a special dinner at home or meal out. Just seems odd to me, different to asking a child what they got for Christmas.

What a knob, why doesn't he just apologize properly as well.

This isn't a foot in mouth situation, He didn't say something that came out wrong and you over reacted. He used something intensely personal and private as a stick to beat you. That's not ok and everyone there but him and I'm guessing his wife if she didn't say anything know that. You did the right thing to remove yourself from that situation and I would personally remove jack from my life probably ana too if she didn't reach out and apologies!

Horrible spiteful man!

I agree with others that I feel genuinely sorry for his wife she must be so embarrassed, imagine your other half saying something so disgusting.

Is there any way you can get out of seeing her for soft play? You really don't need people like that in your life, and it sounds like you already have some great friends

100% not unreasonable.
"Jack" is a dick

I am willing someone smarter and wittier than me will scribe a reply to Jack for you. I was thinking not replying is best but he clearly doesn't feel he's done anything wrong and needs to be put right on that.

Christ you definitely have not overreacted. You acted with dignity and grace in the face of a horribly insensitive, nasty and cruel ‘friend’. I’m glad to hear your DH and all your other friends didn’t put up with it either. Don’t feel obliged to reply to his text which is basically trying to squirm out of being responsible and gaslight you. Personally I’d completely cut him off.

Hang on; he chose to behave disgustingly but wants you to explain to everyone else that it wasn't anything to get offended about??

I'm truly sorry you were hurt - and of course there's nothing wrong in what you did - but in some strange way he may have done everyone a favour in showing exactly what he is. I suspect he knows that now, but happily it's his problem to address, not that of you and your lovely DH and friends

Jack was unbeleiveably rude and hurtful! If someone did this to me, they would an ex-friend. The initial remark was bad enough, but the follow up...!

Your response was totally reasonable, and I'm glad your actual friends and DH agreed.

Jack is a Cunt.

Sounds like your husband and friends are bloody awesome! They all did the right thing and so did you. Jack is a twat!
What you spend on your husband is entirely up to you. My kids bought my husband a big tub of sweets and 2 bottles of radox. But I don't feel guilty for not spending more on him. A few years ago I bought him expensive shoes.
It wasn't Jack's business to stick his unpleasant comments in where they weren't needed. And Anna was probably only making a joke out of it because she'd only spent a few quid. I imagine she was embarrassed by his comments too.

Hugs