Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

I would wait to see if Anna contacts me, and see how it goes. No reason to blame her for someone's else comments just yet. She might be absolutely mortified, no one knows.

I know I'm just repeating what others said, but you did the right thing in leaving. You didn't make a scene and you've nothing to feel guilty for.

There are no words to adequately describe Jack, and your other friends know it. That's why they came to you. Your husband did the right thing, your friends did the right thing.

Have a lovely afternoon.

And it's not your responsibility to make things right for Jack. You don't need to brush off his remark, with him, or with Anna, or with your other friends, even though it would make him feel better. Leave the two of them to stew. His discomfort is deserved.

Don't respond to him. I wouldn't give him the time of day until he can offer up a heartfelt and sincere apology. Anything less, and I suspect he'll do this again to you or to someone else, and trying brushing it off as humour again.

How did Anna react at the time and gave you heard from her since?

it will be awkward and if, as I suspect, she is supporting her husband it will be difficult for you.
You have no idea what they are saying to each other, no need to make up things about someone you don't know.

I could vaguely imagine someone having foot in mouth but his continued justification is incredible. He should have realised straight away (helped by being told!) it was way way over the line and apologised unreservedly.

This wasn’t your fault. Well done to your DH and other friends.

Oh.My God.
How awful for you OP but well handled. Hugs xxx

@CharDee your DH and friends are great for how they reacted after they realised you had left.
You don't need Jack and Anna in your lives. What a pair of idiots. If my DH said anything like that to a friend of mine I would be absolutely livid.

Just seen your update, your dh and friends sound fabulous. Jack still contacted you even after you dh asked him not to which shows exactly the kind of person he is.

Anna's silence would suggest to me that she was embarrassed.

“Cancel the meet up with Anna, it will be awkward and if, as I suspect, she is supporting her husband it will be difficult for you.”
No- wait and see what Anna has to say. They are individuals.

What a rude insensitive twat.
You should not reply to Jack's message.

He should be contacting you with a proper, heartfelt apology in which he acknowledges how crass he has been.
If this is not forthcoming, in your position I would not be able to continue the friendship.

You did what almost all of us would have done. You could have caused one hell of a scene but you didn't; you removed yourself from the presence of a horrible misogynist who judges women's contribution by their childbearing. He's a horrible man.

Your husband, on the other hand, is a good 'un. So many men, from reading stories on here, would have kept quiet, ignored the whole thing or tried to placate the guy. But yours backed you up in spectacular fashion. Well done him. Your other friends were fabulous!

You've done nothing wrong. Jack did.

Anna... that's a difficult one. She didn't come to her husband's defence. She kept quiet. That tells me she was angry/humiliated by his behaviour but he's her husband and she couldn't speak up against him infront of their kids. She didn't tell him off, but she didn't defend him. I wouldn't blame her or take any anger out on her. This wasn't her fault either.

And you should wait for Anna to contact you and hear what she has to say

I think you handled it so well and so did your DH and friends. I'm happy that you are surrounded by lovely people and honestly I would completely forget Jack and cut him out. Anna maybe too depending on what she does next..

It seems that Jack has only text you because he has realised that he might lose all his friends not because he’s remorseful. Anyway be the bigger and better person and walk away from him because he will never stop making these comments. All he will do is become clever at making them so no one else hears them.

I wouldn't respond to anything from Jack the Twat unless it's a genuine heartfelt apology.

I'd also be very wary of responding to anything from Anna either. Her silence speaks volumes. I wouldn't turn up at soft play. Let the pair of them stew together.

Nasty, hurtful and insensitive in the circumstances,

Lovely your friends backed your dh up.

You don't need Jack and Anna in your lives. What a pair of idiots.

Anna is married to an idiot, but that doesn't automatically make her an idiot too. She isn't responsible for Jack's behaviour. Wait and see what she does.

Jack is an arsewipe and Anna no better, as she said nothing and stuck with the arsewipe.

I'd consider my friendship with this pair terminated. Unforgivably hurtful.

How lovely are your DH and friends?! You all handled it beautifully, I actually took a deep breath out of shock when I read your OP. Jack is a very nasty, unpleasant man and his wife is going to find herself very short of friends, but that is her problem, not yours. I wouldn't bother going out of my way to meet up with her. She should have texted you herself if she was bothered. His text to you was just appalling, not an apology at all. You don't need people like this in your life and if she exits with him, that is her loss.

Personally I’d probably reply saying that whilst you don’t want to cause a falling out

OP doesn’t need to cause a falling out. Jack the twat has already done that. I wouldn’t reply at all. Just let him sweat. I certainly wouldn’t be seeing him again.

Wow Jack is a cruel prick

Anyone can put their foot in it but that was nasty, and his text shows he doesn’t see it at all.

Jack's a complete cunt
Your handling of this was spot on (I'd have christened him with his pint on the way out)
Your DH and other mates are ace
Do not meet Anna for soft play or anything else, because shit needs to have consequences.

EarlGreyOfTwinings She might be absolutely mortified, no one knows.

No need to make up things about someone you don't know, eh?

Your friends and DH are ace! Jack is appalling.