Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

I bet his text was the result of a very upset wife insisting he should text you to sort it out- meaning apologise- but that he's interpreted that his own way...

What an absolute wanker Jack is!

I’m sorry but there would be no way back from this for me, ever!

I’m so glad you have a lovely DH and other friends too. I wouldn’t reply to Jack, in fact I’d delete and block his number. I wouldn’t be going to soft play with Anna either.

Completely out of order! No one should ever say such horrible things to your face!

If he believes it, that's what he can tell his wife in private, but why being so nasty to you? It's mean and completely unnecessary.

I would ignore the twat completely for today at least. You don't need to have experienced a miscarriage or a still birth to know that it's painful.

What an total twat! Even having been told how twattish he was he STILL wants you to make it all alright for him? There are only two possible repsonses to that:

1: No response and block him
2: Fuck Off and block him

You have real friends, rejoice in them - especially the one who can make cocktails

Don't respond to Jack and I wouldn't want to meet up with Anna unless she reached out to you and acknowledged the fact her Husband was an arsehole. She isn't responsible for his actions he is a grown up but she is responsible for how she reacts.

Don't reply to him, he's a complete dickwaffle

Your husband and friends are awesome. Jack is nasty and his wife probably wanted to leave too - maybe she also fears his nastiness.
I wouldn't reply at all.

Should I reply to Jack or not? I am supposed to be meeting Anna this week

How did Anna react when all this happened? She might well be mortified and embarrassed on Jack's behalf. If you have a good friendship with Anna I don't think you should let that suffer because her husband is an arse.

YADNBU, ignore Jack. Poor Anna she must be mortified by her Dip shit Husband

I'm glad your DH and friends are so lovely.

Personally I'd probably reply saying that whilst you don't want to cause a falling out actually his behaviour was offensive. But I think you can respond however the hell you want, including by ignoring him.

That is outrageously rude. As a long term sufferer of foot in mouth syndrome I usually give people the benefit of the doubt but I can't see how that could be accidental.

Jacks a dick and everyone will remember this day and how inappropriate he was, people will remember what a dick he is.

... I meant to add, you could contact Anna directly about meeting, rather than replying to Jack.

I cannot believe he said that about you. Awful behaviour. I think you did the right thing. Your husband did the right thing by coming home. Your friends who left arsehole and his wife sound lovely to leave to come see you. I really would ignore his message. You don't have to reply not do you have to tell others that he's okay?! He needs to apologise to you and everyone that was present. But he hasn't done that. I'm sorry you had a miscarriage OP.

How did you get to know this couple?

Wow I agree your dh and other friends sound amazing!

I don't know if I could remain friends with an arsehole like that. Did Anna say anything at the time when jack said it? She should be reaching out to you to check your ok and saying what a dick she thinks her dh is

Someone mentioned this earlier but jack is clearly trying to "gaslight" you.
It's one thing saying something so awful but he should have run after you IMMEDIATELY after you walked out and apologised profusely for such an ugly and horrendous way to speak to you, then any texts he sent after should really be grovelling apologies not excuses!!!
This man cares about himself and his social standing not you, and he is trying to gaslight you into thinking you are the one in the wrong so you set the record straight with the other friends and he can be happy arsehole jack again. DO NOT reply. You don't need awful people like that in your life.
I am genuinely horrified at this situation!

I think you were totally right to leave. The first comment was awful, and when pulled up on it, he should have backed down and apologised. Instead he made it much worse.

His later apology was just as bad, in fact glosses over his behaviour and misses the point.

But I must say I was awestruck by your dh. I think he was ace to leave and bring ds. I think your friends were ace to come too.

None of them thought you were overreacting and they were there!

No, I wouldn't reply to Jack the Dicksmack at all. I'd cancel with Anna, just say maybe later, not up for it, still feeling really hurt.

Whether he meant it to be or not that was a horrible thing to say and completely inappropriate for several reasons. Ugh. Like everyone else here I think you were right to leave and glad your DH stood up for you by doing same.

Don't reply, because there is nothing you can say to change his mind and he will just continue to berate you until you capitulate and agree you were in the wrong.

I suspect Jack and Anna friendship group has got a lot smaller, as even your joint friends pulled him up on rude behaviour and he still didn't apologise.

He was ridiculously bloody rude and you were right to leave

Bloody hell.

Jack is an arse of the first water.

After I left I think DH thought I'd gone to the toilet so asked someone to go and check on me. He apparently said a few things to Jack like how he thought that was a low blow and really inconsiderate knowing what we'd been through but it was his friend who had the most to say. I think DH was a bit shocked and worried about me. His friend pretty much told Jack how out of order his comment was and that he had to apologise the second I come back.

Anna didn't say a word.

When DH got my text he just stood up and said to everyone that I was at home, he was leaving and told Jack not to contact him or me. Then the friend who had gone to look for me in the toilets said "I don't fancy any of this food or some of the present company. Takeaway at yours?" to DH and everyone else stood up and left. DH put money on the table to cover the drinks that we'd ordered and walked out.

Jack did not use humour in an awkward situation, there was nothing remotely humorous in what he said, it was disgraceful. You, your dh and other friends were quite right to walk out, Jack is a disgusting piece of shit.

Do NOT respond to his message, delete it and block him. Do NOT 'explain' his position to your other friends, his behaviour is not your problem to deal with or excuse to others.

Cancel the meet up with Anna, it will be awkward and if, as I suspect, she is supporting her husband it will be difficult for you. I think they have both lost you and your other friends as friends but it is their loss and the only one to blame is Jack.