Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

Jack is a tosser and now wants you to smooth the way so that all of your other friends don’t view him as a tosser. The fact that he sent...

but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over.

just shows that the only thing he is sorry about is everyone leaving and thinking badly of him. He is not sorry at all if he feels it’s nothing to be offended over. It isn’t him that has had to go through the heartbreak of losing a baby. I would tell Jack to F off and say that he doesn’t get to decide if you should be offended or not.

This is shocking. What awful behaviour from 'Jack'. You did the right thing. Don't reply to him. He texted you even though your DH had asked him not to contact either of you - and his message was self-serving and blamed you for not getting is 'humour.'

Leave them both be until 'Anna' gets in touch and decide what to do with you friendship with her based on what she says/does. I'd be so incredibly upset.

With that update I am even more inlcined to say a two word reply to Jack is in order. Just tell him to fuck off. And if Anna contacts you tell her the same.

Nasty, nasty, self centred, people!

Jack and Anna are idiots. No one needs friends like those which is why your other friends also stood up and walked out!

I wouldn't reply and tbh would distance yourself from them as much as possible. Some people are just not worth it

Missed your latest update. I wouldn't bother with any of them tbh.

You acted with such dignity.
Jack was an arsehole!
To repeat himself rather than swiftly apologise was awful.
Leave the text for today or if you’d rather put things to rest. Just reply that the comments were very hurtful considering everything you have been through and would appreciate some time and space.
for you and a difficult situation

Having read your update, Anna sounds unpleasant in her own right - I'm surprised you continued the friendship after her comments about your termination. That still doesn't make her responsible for Jack's behaviour, but everything is pointing towards you being better off without either of them in your life.

I think you, your DH and your other friends handled this amazingly well. Jack is a total prick. And Anna sounds up there too. Don't even reply - that will be worse for them. Just ignore forever more.

wildcherries I think you've missed an update from OP, go back a bit and see what Anna said some time ago!

You are absolutely not BU in the slightest. Good for you! Let Jack stew in his own juice, the twat.

I think I'd just not respond to jack. That was an awful way to behave. Anna should have said something if she didn't agree with his judgemental and obnoxious view point.

I think the relationship with both needs to end immediately. They aren't your friends.

Well, Anna and Jack certainly deserve each other. You did the right thing and your DH and the rest of the group sound lovely. I wouldn't reply.

He sounds like an absolute numpty and you’re lucky to have such a wonderful DH and friends.

You could always just say “I don’t have anything to say to you but here’s an insight into what the world thinks of people like you link to this thread”

Also whoever called him a dickwaffle I’m stealing that phrase

If anything you under reacted!! I admire your reserve!

I've had 2 mc then dd and then was advised another pregnancy would literally be risking my life.

If I'd had to deal with a twat like that he'd have been left in no uncertain terms that what he said was cruel, abusive, offensive and ignorant! In fact text him that right now! Arsehole!

Your dh and the TRUE friends who came back to yours with him and pulled Jack on his crap behaved equally well. Good on them.

Rather than feeling ashamed and remorseful he's wanting YOU to ensure he doesn't face the consequences for this through lost friendships!

Frankly I'd be cutting jack and anna off completely. As far as I can tell not only did she not speak up at the time but she hasn't set him straight in the intervening period so that he's rethought what he said. Has she been in touch at all?

Horrifically bad behaviour but ESPECIALLY on Father's Day.

Suggested reply IF you reply at all:

"what you said was cruel, abusive, offensive and ignorant. It hurt me and dh a great deal. True friends and decent people generally do not even think such things much less say them and they certainly don't excuse themselves with minimising non apologies. Consider us no longer friends, though it's clear we never really were" then block!

To Anna

"I'm sure you understand following today's events I no longer feel comfortable meeting up on X day with the kids. I am very hurt by what Jack said and his clear lack of remorse afterwards" then block her too.

Although a simple "fuck Off" to both would also be satisfying.

"Anna didn't say a word." Yea like tends to call to like. I wouldn't depend on her disagreeing with Jack necessarily. She also could have text op herself apologetically or supportively and noticeably hasn't!

I get she's in an awkward position but I'd have given any husband of mine behaving like this an absolute bollocking! Perhaps not in public nor even at home in front of the kids but I'd certainly have pulled him aside for "a word" and then text the friend concerned appalled and embarrassed.

And your latest update suggests Anna is just as bad!

Nah! Bin em both! These are not friends.

💐💐💐 for you, enjoy your cocktails, you deserve it.

I have friends whose husbands are utter dicks too but I love my friends. If you value your friendship with Anna, wait and see how she reaches out to you before you make a decision where she is concerned.

As for him, he is a total dickwad. What he did is the absolute definition of gaslighting, saying something so hurtful and then saying you are overreacting. Reply and tell him exactly how you feel, without resorting to insults, if you want to have ‘closure’ but, I don’t think it will make any difference. He sounds vile. I’d forget he exists and move on with my life if I were you. Your dh and friends sound wonderful.

I bloody love your DH’s friend! Just what a good friend should be.

Jack doesn’t deserve any more of your thoughts.

Anna - goes in the same boat. If my DH has said something so awful I would definitely have said ‘DH that’s not appropriate- I’m really sorry CharDee’. The fact that she didn’t shows a nasty undertone to her as well. Plus all that absolute nonsense about your mc being a punishment. What a bitch.

I definitely agree he's more upset about losing friends than upsetting me.

He is one of DH's oldest friends and I feel bad for DH. I don't expect him to cut Jack out but definitely wouldn't want him to come over to ours for a get together or to watch football. We quite often have people over because it's easier to have DS asleep upstairs or playing in his playroom while everyone is here.

When their newest baby was born I gave them lots of new baby stuff that I had bought during a previous pregnancy and now I feel a bit upset that they have that now but don't want to ask for it back.

I'm starting to feel a bit angry now! These cocktails might have gone to my head

They both sound vile and you obviously have far better friends.

I would ignore, not meet Anna at soft play and concentrate on the people that make you happy. I'm sorry about your miscarriages

Oh and jacks looking for you to dig him out of his hole. Don't do it. When I say don't respond, I mean ever.

That was an appalling thing to say. You and your husband did exactly the right thing. I'm glad your other friends were not amused.

Him texting you without a proper apology and not seeing how inappropriate his remark was, says it all about him. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so grossly tactless, feel sorry for his wife/partner. I'd almost die of embarrassment if my husband said something like that.

Don't reply to Jack, just don't see him again.

I think it’s clear which ones are your friends! I think it was brave and decent of them to walk out when many would have stayed quiet out of embarrassment

he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over

Well it clearly was something to be offended over otherwise your other friends wouldn't have left as well!!

Awful person and couple.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over

The reply to this is:

You use humour in awkward situations? The situation was not awkward until you made it so, and there is nothing humorous about what you said.

You're sorry I didn't find it funny? Well, (a), it wasn't funny and (b), you're not sorry for saying it then? Just sorry that my sense of humour isn't evolved enough to appreciate your enormous wit.

You think everyone leaving was an overreaction? It wasn't. It was a proportionate reaction to the level of twattery you showed.

Could I explain to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over? No. (A) that's not true and (b) why is it my job to put right the mess you've made?

Not reply to jack no response is the best way to deal with arseholes like that anything you say will be used to justify his actions and support his over inflated ego.

I was on the side that ana is her own person she maybe respecting what you DH asked and giving you space. But from your update just block them both remove them from your life's they are not worth anymore thought!

On the plus side, this is that rare thread where the OP does not have a DH problem! your friends sound ace too, it must be nice to feel so supported.
Jack can go fuck himself, frankly. I wouldn't reply, but I would block him.
I'm so sorry that you have been having such an awful time and I hope that you and your family come through it stronger and closer.